Invalidating environment

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi. My BPDgf is gone now. Afterwards, I figures out she had this and have been reading -- and it seems like *I* also am "emotionally sensitive" and maybe had an "invalidating environment" -- and still do, what do you think? I know it's been a really hard month (tears etc) of no-contact (her choice) but there's no one to tell about this -- who could I trust to empathize? Right before the break up I brought her to my parents after Thanksgiving and when I told my parents we were through they empathized a bit, but now they pretend like it never happened -- subtly maybe they're all saying I should be over this by now. Later, I thought of all the things I went through in the first half of my life (monstrous depression, substance issues) and solved them -- with stranger's help. My family doesn't know much or anything -- we never talk about deep issues -- maybe, I've been getting the unspoken message (since day 1) that I'm really not supposed to feel anything?

I think I'm going to look for a normal girl and maybe she can give me some of what I need -- I'll try not to ask for too much from one person -- will still seek healing.

Short version: When I read Fruzetti's book about helping the BPD, I realized (I think) that I have a lot in common -- even though I'm *not* BPD (I don't have all of the symptoms).

I am afraid of abandonment, but that seems normal when you've been with someone who abandons you *weekly*

Any comments?

[Euler2718]

Hi. My BPDgf is gone now. Afterwards, I figures out she had this and have been reading -- and it seems like *I* also am "emotionally sensitive" and maybe had an "invalidating environment" -- and still do, what do you think? I know it's been a really hard month (tears etc) of no-contact (her choice) but there's no one to tell about this -- who could I trust to empathize? Right before the break up I brought her to my parents after Thanksgiving and when I told my parents we were through they empathized a bit, but now they pretend like it never happened -- subtly maybe they're all saying I should be over this by now. Later, I thought of all the things I went through in the first half of my life (monstrous depression, substance issues) and solved them -- with stranger's help. My family doesn't know much or anything -- we never talk about deep issues -- maybe, I've been getting the unspoken message (since day 1) that I'm really not supposed to feel anything?

I think I'm going to look for a normal girl and maybe she can give me some of what I need -- I'll try not to ask for too much from one person -- will still seek healing.

Short version: When I read Fruzetti's book about helping the BPD, I realized (I think) that I have a lot in common -- even though I'm *not* BPD (I don't have all of the symptoms).

I am afraid of abandonment, but that seems normal when you've been with someone who abandons you *weekly*

Any comments?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey tim-

Welcome!  My first thought is it's too early to be looking for another relationship; I don't know how long your relationship with the girl with BPD traits was, but it didn't end that long ago, and you bring up some good points with good awareness about what's going on with you.  I'd recommend you try the Leaving board and the Personal Inventory board here and take a good look at your own stuff as you detach from that relationship, and then with time you can look for a new partner, but going to someone to take is not as healthy as going to someone to give, yes?  Take care of you!

[Grey Kitty]

I think you are on the right track--looking for a safe support system for yourself emotionally. A new romantic relationship isn't the only place to look; Consider building up your relationship with your closest and most trustworthy friends (Even if they aren't all that close, you can work on building more into those relationships), a therapist, or some sort of face-to-face support group.

And I totally get your feeling that you cannot get good deep emotional support from your family. My FOO is pretty high functioning, and *almost* healthy, certainly not abusive or anything like that... .but when I've gone through really tough times, I haven't felt safe or willing to reach out to my parents either, except for support on the basic stuff (short term money, a place to stay, etc.)

Fortunately for me, I've got some amazing friends I can go to for that. But it has taken me quite a while to build up that network. Hang in there!

 GK

[Skip]

I am afraid of abandonment, but that seems normal when you've been with someone who abandons you *weekly*

Not speaking to your last relationship... just to your comments about going forward.

What you say suggests that you may not have a well differentiated sense of self. It's a pretty common theme here.  This would certainly be something to work on - rather than look for another person to "complete you".

Here is something worth reading.  Also, I lent you 10 posts so that you have access to personal inventory and can post there, too.

You're on the right track with this self-awareness.

The Opposite of Codependency is a Well Differentiated Self

According to Bowen's Family Theory, families and other social groups tremendously affect how people think, feel, and act, and individuals vary in their susceptibility to, and dependence on how others think. These differences are based on the differences in people's levels of "differentiation of self". The less developed a person's "self," the more impact others have on his functioning and the more he tries to control, actively or passively, the functioning of others. Every human society has its well-differentiated people, poorly-differentiated people, and people at many gradations between these extremes.

The basic building blocks of a "self" are inborn, but an individual's family relationships during childhood and adolescence primarily determine how much "self" he develops. Once established, the level of "self" rarely changes unless a person makes a structured and long-term effort to change it.

A person with a well-differentiated "self" recognizes his realistic dependence on others, but he can stay calm and clear-headed enough in the face of conflict, criticism, and rejection to distinguish thinking rooted in a careful assessment of the facts from thinking clouded by emotionality. Thoughtfully acquired principles help guide decision-making about important family and social issues, making him less at the mercy of the feelings of the moment. What he decides and what he says matches what he does. He can act selflessly, but his acting in the best interests of the group is a thoughtful choice, not a response to relationship pressures. Confident in his thinking, he can either support another's view without being a disciple or reject another view without polarizing the differences. He defines himself without being pushy and deals with pressure to yield without being wishy-washy.

People with a poorly-differentiated "self" depend so heavily on the acceptance and approval of others that they quickly adjust what they think, say, and do to please others.  It’s normal to want to please someone you care about, but when someone has a poorly-differentiated "self", they usually don’t think they have a choice. Saying “No” causes anxiety and they sacrifice their own needs to accommodate other people.  This is generally where codependents get into trouble.  They have blurry boundaries. They feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems or blame their own problems on others.


The Behaviors and Internal Struggles of Codependent Enablers

Our culture portrays romantic love, in songs, television, and movies, as being a relationship in which the partners are inseparable, are nothing without each other, and one in which each partner derives her/his very sense of self from the other.  While portrayed as the ideal, this is actually a model of a very unhealthy relationship.

Behavior of Codependent Enablers

The precise definition of codependency varies based on the source but can be generally characterized as a subclinical and situational or episodic behavior similar to that of dependent personality disorder. The behavior of codependent enablers can be described as focused on others, excessively compliant, self-sacrificing, overly reactive, and having problems with openness and intimacy.  Codependent enablers often become controlling and manipulative over time.

   Focused on others  Codependents tend to deny their own feelings and needs. Often, they don’t know what they’re feeling because they are so focused on what someone else is feeling. The same thing goes for their needs. They pay attention to other people’s needs and not their own. Some enablers will seem needy. Other enablers will act very self-sufficient when it comes to needing help and won’t reach out. Enablers are generally in denial of their own vulnerability and need for love and intimacy.

   Excessively compliant  A codependent can become excessively compliant and yielding to their partner all the way to the point of losing touch with what they need, want, like, and prefer.  This often results in frustration, denial of negative feelings, stress and even depression.

   Self-sacrificing  A codependent enabler focuses on the needs of their partner to the point that they can neglect their own needs. While it’s natural to feel empathy and sympathy for someone, enablers take it too far. They need to help their partner. They might feel rejected if the other person doesn’t want their help. They may even keep trying to help and fix the person when that person isn’t wanting or taking their advice.

   Reactive  A consequence of having a poorly differentiated "self", is that the enablers react to everyone’s thoughts and feelings. If someone says something they disagree with, they either embrace it and replace their own belief or they become defensive. They absorb the words of others with no filter. With a better differentiated "self", they’d accept that others have opinions and not feel threatened by them or by disagreements.

   Problems with openness and intimacy  Problems with openness and intimacy  Enablers often have trouble when it comes to communicating their thoughts, feelings and needs in an intimate relationship. An enabler may feel shame or fear that if they are "exposed" they will be judged, rejected, or left behind.  Enablers may be afraid to be truthful, because they don’t want to upset someone else. Instead of saying, "I don’t like that," they might pretend that it’s okay. Communication becomes dishonest and confusing when inhibited by fear.

   Controlling  Control helps enablers feel safe and secure - both self-control and the controlling of others. Everyone needs some control over events in their life as no one wants to live in constant uncertainty and chaos, but for enablers, control is a emotional shield.  Sometimes they have an addiction that either helps them loosen up, like alcoholism, or helps them hold their feelings down, like workaholism, so that they don’t feel out of control. Codependents also need to control those close to them, because they need other people to behave in a certain way to feel okay about themselves.

   Manipulative enablers often feel over-giving and under-appreciated.  In time, when their needs are not being met by their partners, resentments build and enablers can become manipulative. In fact, people-pleasing and care-taking can become tools to manipulate the partner.  Enablers can become bossy and tell others what they should or shouldn’t do.   There can also be a lot of "self-pity" and a lot of "guilting". Enablers may start distancing themselves and emotionally withdrawing from those around them, by being wrapped up their own feelings of injustice. Enablers become, in many ways, very poor givers.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships