Almost 60 days NC and I feel like I'm back at square one

[Itstopsnow]

Is it normal to feel this anxious or upset still? I am almost at 60 days no contact . At first I was going through the whole process and around Christmas I actually felt better than last year at this time with him. I know I've made some Progress, but the day after Christmas I felt bad and still haven't been able to shake my funk. I'm feeling a little isolated. Although I started some hospice training and looking forward to that . I know I'm not the only one to suffer a loss, and 18 months in the grand scheme of things isn't that long. But we jammed 5 major vacations and many weekend getaways . So it was like a 5 year relationship mushed into 18 months. I'm lonely that could be one reason why it feels like it's getting worse. But I'm

Not sure if I'm really ready to date as I thought I was a few months back. I wonder what is happening in his life. I have no control over any of this and I never did. It sucks that their actions we have to be victims of and we can't do a damn thing to change that . Is this normal to feel this way? I am in therapy but I feel it really isn't making much of a difference . I also logically tell myself his life is likely going to keep going in a downward direction. Because he was so out of control at the end . I am lucky to not have to deal with that backlash from his irresponsible behaviors. His over spending, gambling, rages, mood swings, and lies. Who wants that in a partner ? No one. Then why can't I shake thoughts of him. Does anyone know if they think about us at all ? I was his primary once he left the priesthood . And his second girlfriend he had last summer for 2 months while we dated. His mother told me when we talked a few times to discuss a joint bill he and I had that I was so important to him and the love of his life ... .Well at the time I didn't know he had her as his girlfriend . He lied and told me he dated her a total of 4 dates . He made comments to me that made me believe he wasn't happy. He said numerous times to me that she was below average looking, 25 pounds overweight , she had a very large chest he said but it was saggy without a bra and she had gross large veins in them and her butt looked like cottage cheese. Who talks like that as an adult? That's cruel! He said he wished she had a better personality too. He told me he wanted to try again with me and I was all he needed. Although he asked for us to try again in two months? I was dating at the time he was dating her . But I'm sure to her he was very into her. Why am I upset over a guy who objectifies women like this. That girl was actually very nice I spoke to her. I'm embarrassed for the comments he made about her. But here I am struggling with all my memories of this ass. I just wonder if they miss us. I know he thought he and I weren't over yet at the time. I'm sure he's dating at least 3 other women now. Do they ever struggle with thoughts of us. I had so many special trips with him. He was with me every single day. And I just found a card he wrote me saying we are a great team and I'm the love of his life and he was so lucky to be with me! I burned it. I just wonder if he will ever grieve me to any level of normal grieving.

[once removed]

hey itstopsnow 

i hear you asking two questions:

I just wonder if he will ever grieve me to any level of normal grieving.

i remember my third month. it wasnt pretty. i was a basket case, and wondering the same thing (youre not a basket case for wondering the same thing). your shock and hurt at his apparent lack of grieving are well founded and something i think most of us struggle with (i particularly did). the answer is complex, complicated, depends on the person, and its simplest to say that he will likely grieve very differently than you. do "they" think about us at all? well sure. people with BPD do not literally forget that others ever existed. to what extent they think about us, grieve, feel sadness, regret, or the extent they may go to to avoid those things, really depends on the person.

Is it normal to feel this anxious or upset still?

if youre talking purely in a linear sense, i think the answer is yes. you need only read the stories and progress of others. youre certainly not alone in struggling tremendously at this early stage  . we have support groups for this kind of stuff

reading between the lines, i hear you suggesting perhaps there is something wrong with you, or your grieving process, that you feel this way. you feel conflicted about missing "the ass". there is a lot to be said for recalling the serious flaws and incompatibilities of our partners, especially if we are placing them on a pedestal, to balance things out, however, i found it tremendously freeing to accept my feelings (i missed her) than to tell myself i was wrong for feeling them. feelings can in and of themselves never be wrong, they just exist. they arent the same as facts, but the fact is we feel them . your partner had good qualities (one assumes), you had real feelings for him, and you spent a great deal of close time together. is it normal to grieve that? the answer is yes .

be kind to, and patient with yourself, itstopsnow. try to let yourself feel and grieve with freedom, without invalidating your own feelings, or by comparison to how he is grieving. it takes time to grow  from Victim to Survivor to Thriver

[Itstopsnow]

Thank you for your response . ☺️   Sometimes I just feel so alone still and I feel as more time passes most people I know think I should be thanking God he's not in my life anymore. But he was my whole life for a long time. And my second love of my life. I did so much for him in his life so it's hard on many levels not to wonder what is going on with him.

[izabellizima]

Thank you for your response . ☺️   Sometimes I just feel so alone still and I feel as more time passes most people I know think I should be thanking God he's not in my life anymore. But he was my whole life for a long time. And my second love of my life. I did so much for him in his life so it's hard on many levels not to wonder what is going on with him.

This is sort of what got me to break NC and I regret it deeply. Yes, we want to know because we cared and we want them to feel what we feel... .maybe some books or literature or articles or videos on letting go would help. Also, change your daily habits if you didn't already. Make new routines. If you always brush your teeth on the bathroom, start brushing in the shower or over the kitchen sink (this helps, I heard).

Your brain knows NC is good, your heart aches for intense feelings of "yay"... .then it makes your brain think of the "yay" moments. When you do, make yourself push the play button on the nasty memories.

You want to know you meant as much to him because if you didn't it would mean that you'd been a fool and he never loved you. You were not a fool. His mother already said you were important. You were important, you are important... .you are lonely is all. Do you have a pet? I mean, without my babies (3 dogs) I'd have flipped.

[Knight]

Itstopsnow, I can relate to your loneliness. I think we miss their good sides and we focus on their good sides. In my case her good side was the best I've ever known. But the bad side is extremely bad too and causes me constant fear and anxiety. I broke NC after about seven months and rapidly got back to a very serious great side of her and I started my rescue stuff. But with my fresh mind I quickly realized she was lying to me about things. And I caught her and forgave her over and over. Now i remember the bad side very vividly again. I hope you don't have to go reconnect hoping things will be different to learn the lesson I learned. Yes it is lonely. It really is. Their good side is so good. But taken as a whole it's not healthy for you or I to subject ourselves to the abuse. You and I have a choice. I am choosing peace.