Feeling at a loss

[Tosk]

Hi all,

I've been married 15 years with my wife who I strongly suspect has BPD. I've been reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and most of the symptoms it talks about in the book my wife exhibits to some degree (listed on page 22). The most striking symptoms are sudden volatile, spats of anger that are reactions to what I may consider to be small problems. The other symptoms are certainly there.

My wife considers me her only "true" friend and she doesn't consider that she has any close friendships at all, which is pretty much true. At the same time I'm considered a villain in a fair amount of aspects, but yet she depends on me to listen (which I try to do).

I'm at the point of taking much more action this year on this relationship. I'd like my wife to be happy, but the the phrase came to me today "I'm feeding my energy into a bottomless pit". I came home this lunchtime to find my wife asleep again upstairs; she has low motivation and desire to motivate herself is very low. I tried to speak to her, but she didn't want to and just went back to bed again.

I've got to the point where I feel it's time to bail out of the relationship with a separation or divorce, not just for my sake, but for my three children (4,8 and 11).

I recognise that part of a healthy relationship is to have joy in your spouse's achievements, but with a spouse that has low self esteem and with probably BPD - I can't see any improvements happening.

When reading this article of 50 characteristics of a healthy relationship, I couldn't say "yes" to virtually any of these points just now.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-practice/201301/50-characteristics-healthy-relationships

I recognise that I'm not perfect either and there's probably elements from me that aren't helping. But it's hard to be objective and figure out what these are on some occasions when my wife is continually criticising me.

That's it for now, but grateful for finding this forum.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[naguma]

Sounds more like bi-polar, often hard to tell the difference. They have bouts of deep depression where they lose motivation.

If she is BPD (or co-morbid), you can take control of the situation by not responding to anything she does. Detach. Bpds tend to respond by being good if they feel you detaching.

Take her on a vacation, but ignore her the entire time. Throw her for a loop and probably kick her back into an active mode and she will be much more involved.

[Mutt]

Hi Tosk,



I understand. I would feel frustrated too. Often there's a clinical depression that is concurring together with BPD. We're not professionals and cannot diagnose but what we can do is look at traits of the borderline personality type.

Is she being treated for depression? A pwBPD feel low self worth, feel a lot of shame, self loath, feel evil, and are sensitive with rejection and will react with disproportionate anger with slights of perceived rejection. A pwBPD need a lot of validation.

BPD: What is it? How can I tell?

Validation and BPD

Many of our members share similar experiences and can help you with guidance and support. It helps to talk.


----Mutt

[ladylee]

Are you sure there are not any medical issues, like low iron or blood sugar? I would rule those out first, I myself suffer from fatigue, but I work. I just found out I may have low iron. I also take medication for seizures that causes fatigue and am a cancer survivor. A lot of things can cause fatigue besides depression. How sad for her and you, I'm so sorry. People put a lot of pressure on being upbeat and bubbly when meeting and making friends, there are a lot of support groups that meet face to face where she may be able to meet new people or even find new hobbies. I just started a painting class that is helping me get out more. You have to start somewhere. Staying in a lot will make a person lazy.