My heart and head are in constant battle and I'm sinking

[DigitalSea]

The woman of my dreams stepped into my life and everything was almost too good to be true. Months went by and it felt like seconds because how incredible it was. I thought I finally found true happiness. I thought every heartbreak I felt was worth this woman. She suddenly started flipping emotions like a light switch. One minute she was content but then the next anything I did wasn't good enough. She moved in with my and my best friend and slowly started to create problems but blamed everyone else. More time went by and she started to avoid the apartment which meant avoiding me. Her affection faded to almost nothing and when Id bring it up shed lash out and call the shots. I began to let her walk all over me because I had good intentions and didn't want to start any more arguments. One minute she's here the next minutes she not. She goes up and then down and then up again. We couldn't even go to the store without her impulsively grabbing something but minutes later putting it away only to repeat the process. Now a month or so more go by and she only comes home for a place to lay her head, not sacrifice a bit of attention or show me that I'm missed or appreciated. I did everything I could do to keep her happy. A bouquet of flowers every Friday for 4 months until she didn't care or appreciate them. I brought her food every morning on the weekend when we woke up. I was constantly at her beckoning and would do everything for her to make her happy. I gave her nothing less than perfect. Fast forward to two days ago she says she's moving out and she's been bringing it up for the last month she isn't happy here with the situation of "bad energies" and my roommate. So I decided to buy boxes and pack her stuff. Yesterday her and her parents came to move her boxes back to the place she lived previously before me, with her best friends mom. She said yesterday she just wanted to be done and wasn't ready for a man to spend her time with. That she felt trapped but yet I gave her all the freedom she needed. She showed no emotion while I'm pouring my heart out to her like it didn't upset her at all that we were going out separate ways. Said I made it too easy for her not to better herself because I did everything for her financially, emotionally and spiritually. She left and said thank you for everything. She said lets just maybe be friends and I might in a couple weeks be able to figure out how to treat you like you deserve. All this has left me a devastated and so hurt. My friends and family insist she shows traits of having BPD and recommended this site to help me through some of the worst emotional pain I've ever felt. I know I'm supposed to take it like a man but I haven't slept in days and I can't keep the rain from flooding my eyes. I feel lost and afloat. This morning she called me and said lets hang out today and that she wants us to be the same just not living together until my lease with my buddy ends in 5 months. She ended the phone call with a I love you. She's mentally torturing by one day being good and the next day cruel. I can't take the back and forth. My head says get out now but my heart holds on until it bleeds. I'm trying keep myself afloat but have never felt so confused and lost. Any advice or support would be nice because my heart feels like it's being pulled in every direction and I can't keep a clear head. She pushes me away and then comes back. Round and round in circles I feel we will go. Here one day and gone the next

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Davy]

Your story seems very similar to mine.

I would suggest reading my posts, I got a lot of help from people on this forum. Maybe there is some advice there that could help you out.

[patientandclear]

Said I made it too easy for her not to better herself because I did everything for her financially, emotionally and spiritually. ... .she wants us to be the same just not living together until my lease with my buddy ends in 5 months.

This all makes perfect sense within the framework of BPD, and doesn't even sound terribly unmanageable.  First, she gave you crucial feedback.  She wasn't ready to be with a man, living in the same place all the time ... .that's fine.  It can feel engulfing and some people find too much closeness threatening on a number of levels.  There's an article on this site called "Why We Struggle In Our Relationships" that includes an excellent explanation of what that feels like from their point of view.  I myself have felt that with men I felt very strongly for ... .it's a thing.  A real thing.

Maybe being together like you were, but not living together, is a great formula for the two of you.  I would not necessarily assume it could not be.  Nor should you read it as rejection -- it may be a better fit for her, even with the best possible mate.

I think the most important feedback she's giving you is the quote above about how you made it unnecessary for her to take steps she needs to take for herself, by doing everything for her.  I would really, really listen to this.  It sounds like she needs more room -- more room to be her, without you closing the gap constantly.  If you can love her even with that occasional distance, and with her having the space to change who she is, to explore who she wants to be in the world -- that is a genuine and valuable love.  Give her the space to show your and herself who she is and wants to be.  That is true caring, not caretaking.

Listen to what she's saying.  It's important and valid.

[DigitalSea]

She said yesterday we had a toxic relationship thatd be better if we went our own ways but then flips and says today lets hang out I want to us to be the same just not living with each other. How will I know in 5 months that if we moved in together and then she decided she wanted out. I can't relive this pain in 5 months if all goes well and this flame can be rekindled. I feel she'll always have excuses as to why she's feeling stressed, pressured, and upset. How do I establish some control of this relationship after I let her take the wheel for months. I feel I'm at the mercy of her to conform to whatever ground rules she wants to put into play. I don't want to end this relationship but I do if we get nowhere with this and I can't express my feelings and opinions without her lashing out. I'm always stepping on eggshells no matter what the subject is