My BPD Girlfriend and I Broke Up 60 Days Ago. She Just Committed Suicide. Help

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have several questions, please help me.  I realize I am in the wrong forum, but need advice from a BPD parent or family member perspective.  She was the love of my life.  I am beyond devastated. 

She died on Saturday morning. I heard fourth hand on Tuesday morning.  I want to talk with the family.  I need to hug someone that loved her.  I need to talk to people that knew her.  I am grieving all alone.

Am I welcome at the funeral?  Can I go see her parents?  What should I or what should I not do?

[howardghost]

I have several questions, please help me.  I realize I am in the wrong forum, but need advice from a BPD parent or family member perspective.  She was the love of my life.  I am beyond devastated. 

She died on Saturday morning. I heard fourth hand on Tuesday morning.  I want to talk with the family.  I need to hug someone that loved her.  I need to talk to people that knew her.  I am grieving all alone.

Am I welcome at the funeral?  Can I go see her parents?  What should I or what should I not do?

[Turkish]

I'm so sorry, howardghost.

How is your relationship with her family? What lead up to this? It seems like it hit you out of left field... .

Turkish

[howardghost]

I met "Puppy" in June.  It is a great story!  We dated a few times a week for a couple of months.  Then we got real serious!  She and I are both 45, she was widowed 5 years ago (suicide), I have never been married, and neither of us have children.  We are both "retired" from our professional life and spent most of our time together.  IT WAS GREAT!  Time with "Puppy" was easy.  I have never been able to be with someone for more than 5-6 hours straight without needing a little break.  Not so with her, I hated when we would go our separate ways for errands or tasks, but loved it when we would get together again. 

She told me early in our relationship that she had terminal cancer and probably wouldn't live past Thanksgiving.  I was very sad her time was limited, but was grateful for the opportunity to know her and be with her.  October was difficult.  Evidently a pretty typical sequence of events transpired. Long story short, I questioned the accuracy of her diagnosis.  I actually wondered if it was a metaphor for "suicide".  She constantly complained about feeling "empty" and wanting "peace". 

Thanks largely to google and this site (thank you all, I am alive today ONLY because of you!) I was able to identify her condition, found a great therapist, and tried to get her some much needed help.  That was the deal. If our relationship was going to continue, we were going to go to therapy.  We never went.

I went NC for the first two weeks in November.  She showed up at a predictable location (I meet a buddy of mine for dinner every Monday night at the same restaurant).  I took her home and we had a wonderful night.  The next morning we laughed, laughed, and had a great moment.  A few text later that day and then NOTHING.  The next week (Friday after Thanksgiving) I got a voicemail from her.  Probably the nicest voicemail I have/will ever receive.  Told me she loved me.  Told me I should have married her.  Told me she just enjoyed spending time with me.  We traded a few voicemails each and then NOTHING.  I went strong NC all of December.  I sent her a New Year's day message.  Told her I wished she realized how many people love her.  Told her I had purchased a Christmas Present for her before we separated and wanted to get it to her.  She replied with some stern, but amicable words.  Something like she had valued me and only wanted my support, not a gift.  That is the last I will ever hear from her. 

To answer your question, her parents loved me.  She and I had arguments, but we never had a dirty or messy fallout.  It was pretty civilized.  I guess my concern is she died on Saturday and no one from the family has called me.  They have my phone number, they know where I live, and I am in the book.  I fear she split me or painted me black and villainized me.   

[howardghost]

I want to drive to her parent's house tomorrow morning, call her mother, explain I am very close to her home, and just want to meet her in the front yard and hug her.  

I have to! I want to hug her, but I also need her to hug me!

I want to show respect, but her daughter was the love of my life.

Please any parents of someone suffering from BPD give me your opinion.

[Suzn]

I am so sorry for your loss howardghost.    You are not alone my friend. Her parents are probably very familiar with your ex's struggle. Try not to take them not reaching out personally, losing a child is devastating. They are also left with difficult tasks and decisions right now. It's difficult to say how they will handle their grief. If I were in your shoes I would reach out to them too. 

[Skip]

I would call ahead and tell them you are bringing some food over- this is pretty customary - ask for a convenient time.

Don't worry that they didn't call you - you don't know what is happening on their end emotionally or logistically... .this is a crisis.

[lbjnltx]

I'm so sorry for this devastating loss.

As a parent to a child with traits of BPD, if I were in her parents shoes I would welcome those who loved my daughter and saw the good person that she was.

Reach out and offer your condolences to them, share your sorrow over the loss of a beautiful soul.

[sweetheart]

Like Skip has said go ahead and call. You love her, they love her. Letting them know that you shared love for their daughter will matter to them. Sharing that love will help with your grief.

What a terrible tragedy, I'm really sorry that this has happened.