She has laid out her plan to end the marriage or get my submission

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

In my experience,  sometimes a relationship with a pwBPD is a bit like being a parent. 

My thinking has shifted more towards this over the past few years.  It's not what I want, but in some ways it helps me make more sense out of life.  I can totally relate to kids have good days and bad days, even some days that you wonder who they are.  I never expected to think of my wife in that way.

FF

But I think empath is saying that the parent-partner can't swing like the BPD partner swings.  I hear you, above, about compartmentalization as survival strategy.  I get it.  If it was just you in the cross fire, maybe that would be a workable choice.  But the kids are having to watch their parents swing from open warfare (to an extreme extent -- open alienation in front of witnesses, pulling kids in to participate, constantly making kids choose whether they do what parent X says or what parent Y planned, having to listen to divorce threats) to passionate affection.  The compartmentalization that you may be comfortable with doesn't allow the onlookers with the most at stake (the kids) to have any sense of solidity or predictability.

[patientandclear]

In my experience,  sometimes a relationship with a pwBPD is a bit like being a parent. 

My thinking has shifted more towards this over the past few years.  It's not what I want, but in some ways it helps me make more sense out of life.  I can totally relate to kids have good days and bad days, even some days that you wonder who they are.  I never expected to think of my wife in that way.

FF

But I think empath is saying that the parent-partner can't swing like the BPD partner swings.  I hear you, above, about compartmentalization as survival strategy.  I get it.  If it was just you in the cross fire, maybe that would be a workable choice.  But the kids are having to watch their parents swing from open warfare (to an extreme extent -- open alienation in front of witnesses, pulling kids in to participate, constantly making kids choose whether they do what parent X says or what parent Y planned, having to listen to divorce threats) to passionate affection.  The compartmentalization that you may be comfortable with doesn't allow the onlookers with the most at stake (the kids) to have any sense of solidity or predictability.

[empath]

One of the basics of developing trust is consistency, whether it is kids who are 'typical' or those who have deep seated trust issues, even in adults. One of key things that my d is worried about is the moving from one place to the other - stability.  It's also come up with my h as he feels unstable a lot of the time; he appreciates that I'm stable and knows that there are things that I will not back down on. If I were to change the tactics depending on his mood, that would put his emotions in charge which is not a good thing for any of us.

Right now he wishes that I were more willing to change quickly, but I'm not. It keeps the pressure up and seems to be working to get his attention when he is able to think more calmly. 

[formflier]

  The compartmentalization that you may be comfortable with doesn't allow the onlookers with the most at stake (the kids) to have any sense of solidity or predictability.

The pickle that I am in for the short term, is that a move towards divorce would worsen my problem about kids.  It would escalate and follow her sisters model.

The kid thing/alienation will be topic 1 for me in counseling.  We both know the rules, she just can't follow them when worked up.

Patientandclear,

I've had two separate lawyers retained for a while for some other employment law and contract issues.  Some PI work has been done, and once again in my life, I get the joy of spending a lot of time on the phone with lawyers.  (when I had my Navy commands I always had to chat with JAG guys).  Wife knows all this.  She has made some comments about me and my lawyers doing things (they are not divorce lawyers) to prep for divorce.  I don't engage on that.

I highly doubt she knows about the L up here.  We'll see.

FF

[lbjnltx]

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