some semblance of empathy

[Cat Familiar]

Like many nons, over time I get resentful when I try to be compassionate to my husband and I suppress my true responses to his insulting words. There's a limit to how much I can blow off. Today I reached that point.

We were getting ready to leave the house and I was trying hard to meet an arbitrary time deadline he imposed. He likes to arrive very early, whereas I tend to be on time, but not with a quarter hour to spare. I thought I heard him lock some of the doors in the house so I called down the stairs and asked if he had done so, just to save some time so I wouldn't retrace his steps.

He answered me in a sarcastic voice and insinuated that I was being lazy and irresponsible and that I never lock the house. I am anything but lazy and I'm very responsible, but really, now that I think about it, it was a projection on his part.

My response was that I found it unacceptable to be accused of that. As to be expected, he upped the ante and started telling me how I was unappreciative and that it was ridiculous that I was upset and that I was making a big deal out of nothing.

I told him that I did not want him telling me what my thoughts or emotions were and that he was welcome to tell me his, but not mine.

He kept criticizing me for being upset.

I told him that he was telling me that I wasn't entitled to my feelings and that he wanted me to immediately change how I felt. (That stopped him for a minute.)

Then he told me that it was inappropriate for me to get upset over one comment by him.

"There you go again," I said.

Then he assumed he knew what I was thinking.

"And here it is again." I said.

These last couple of exchanges repeated, with slight variations. "There it is again," I said. (I thought of Chris Christie at the Republican debates, observing Rubio's 25 second soundbite repeating over and over.)

I guess because he couldn't get me to participate in the drama, other than identifying that he was either criticizing me for having an emotion (which is exceedingly rare for me to display outwards--and he's criticized me for that!) or mind reading what I was thinking and feeling, he quit and apologized for hurting my feelings.

I think he had a moment of actually stepping outside his own reference point and imagining things from my perspective. However, I wouldn't be surprised if this bit me in the butt later. After the apology, I immediately changed my demeanor and once again became pleasant and engaging.

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[formflier]

I told him that I did not want him telling me what my thoughts or emotions were and that he was welcome to tell me his, but not mine.

You go girl! 

It's been a while, but I have had these sorts of conversations.  Frustrating, but I am glad that you stuck to your guns.

FF

[joshbjoshb]

What I think you did was to stop validating and set some sort of boundary. Or maybe all you did was venting. Recently I do it all too often.

Sometimes I even attack back (not good) and then she is upset with me for not talking nice. Mind you.

[Chilibean13]

I think it's important to let them know when they are telling us how we should or shouldn't think and what they think we are thinking. It's a good boundary.

My H does this quite often. I have to point out to him that he is invalidating me. Or remind him that he cannot read my mind so he shouldn't make assumptions about what I'm thinking.

[Cat Familiar]

That exchange was a good reference point for me. I like to look at the structure of conversations. What had been my Achilles heel in the past was that I fell into JADEing. Mostly I tried to explain my point of view. Being a very logical person, I thought if I could help my pwBPD understand what I meant or why I said what I did, they'd immediately see that I was trying to be helpful, or that I had no bad intent, or that I was in no way insulting them, etc. And then we were off to the races... .

Other times, the pwBPD in my life has needled me until they could find a weak point and pull me into participation in their drama.

What was different in this exchange was:

1. I immediately acknowledged my anger and hurt feelings

2. Without JADEing, I set a boundary about not being told my emotions and thoughts. (I've done this before, but usually with an explanation.)

3. I responded to his continued attacks invalidating my emotions or incorrectly mind reading my thoughts and feelings solely by identifying the structure of his communication, rather than commenting upon the content.

I usually avoid confrontation because, as Grey Kitty says, "No good comes from this." But in this case, it worked really well. One of the most difficult things in being in relationship with a pwBPD is not being able to be fully honest and upfront with them. I realize for this relationship to work longterm, I need to start incorporating ways I can do this. Otherwise it's just going through the motions and not living with authenticity. I'm not interested in doing that to preserve some hollow relationship, and one that will inevitably become less substantial over time if I don't acknowledge my true feelings.

[Daisy23]

First of all - Yeah for you! Second - this topic, which so hits home for me, makes me feel like you're my big sis of the  non-BPD world. I'm admiring and taking in what your post is teaching me. Thank you - more than you know!

[Cat Familiar]

Thanks, Daisy. It's been so helpful for me to be able to share my situation here on these boards. Things are moving in a positive direction, sometimes slowly, but over time I see that there's been major progress in my relationship and much more harmony.

One of the few concepts I retained from grad school was the idea of removing content from an interaction and looking only at the structure of the communication. It's so easy to get lost in content. When you solely look at the structure, it so often repeats itself. Knowing what's likely to come next, you can be more prepared to respond in a level, unemotional way. (This is easy to say. So much harder to do IRL.)

[formflier]

One of the few concepts I retained from grad school was the idea of removing content from an interaction and looking only at the structure of the communication. It's so easy to get lost in content. When you solely look at the structure, it so often repeats itself. Knowing what's likely to come next, you can be more prepared to respond in a level, unemotional way. (This is easy to say. So much harder to do IRL.)

Well said, and absolutely true that it is easier to figure out when reading about it, that IRL with a partner heading towards dysregulation.

FF

[Grey Kitty]

I always feel funny to be quoted like that... .uhm, thanks, I think   

And I'm reminded of another thing I've heard many times around here. "Nothing changes without changes"

You decided not to engage in the fight, and not to accept poor behavior.

I'd also note that what you experienced was an invalidating attack... .and one thing I've noticed is how often the outcome you got half a dozen times is what happens.

You call somebody on unacceptable, invalidating behavior. Not starting a fight, simply stating what they did.

The response is to invalidate you for saying so. Doubling down on the invalidation.

Which is an excellent way to provoke you into a fight. (As you know from past history)

I'm really impressed that you managed to stick to peacefully and clearly stating that this was not acceptable behavior that many times in a row, and that he finally apologized.

You changed your pattern. It is giving your H room to make some changes. Whether he does is up to him, but great that you gave him room!

[Cat Familiar]

Thanks, guys. I'm getting much better at being amused by my husband's behavior rather than being pulled into the fray.