My BPD wife who left me and filed seems nicer lately... ?

I’ve posted my whole story in a different thread. The nutshell version is we’ve been best friends for a long time. We dated once and she broke up with me for another guy. A year later she came back. We were then together for 4 years, married with two small children. Best friends throughout. Forever and always was a daily saying. Barely fought. She was either hyper happy or depressed, had disconnects with the kids, coped in various ways. Tried killing herself twice. 2 psych holds. Diagnosed with BPD while there. Then suddenly 4+ months ago she wanted a divorce. Completely started ghosting me. It was a rollercoaster like never before. Some highs but mainly lows. Withdrew more and more. Separated from me. Told me she never loved me and that she was just using me. Said I manipulate her and I’m the reason for all her issues. Pulled out of couples counseling. Goal posts constantly changed. I did everything I could but was never enough, I only pushed her away more. Caught her in tons of lies, found out about massive debt she’s acquired, she was talking to an ex and kept going cutting him off and reconnecting with him throughout. Found strong evidence of her cheating. She’s hit me throughout different fights when she was cornered about something. I kept pursing her, read a book on BPD, countless hours of videos and articles on it and how our entire relationship and it’s stages made sense. She eventually filed for divorce. Moved out with the kids. Her ex and her were caught by me moving out, but of course it was my fault as well.

So things were rockier than ever after that. And of course I’m hurt, betrayed and angry. I know many of you know exactly how I feel. This sudden departure out of nowhere. Looking back, there were definitely signs but I just never knew the extent or even what this was.

We’re currently set up for a no fault divorce with mediation. Obviously we both want the kids, and I have legit concerns with her having them in a majorly capacity. I’m dealing with it.

Here’s were I still hold some hope that she may “cycle” back from this. Maybe.

1. She’s come back before after we dated. She did similar things then but in a much smaller capacity and eventually came back saying she was wrong, selfish and stupid.

2. Our mutual faith. My wife and I met in youth group. We’re strong in our faith and throughout her young adulthood she traveled though ministry and taught against things she currently is engaged in to cope. She even taught marriage counseling for a period of time through a series “Whatever it Takes” which highlighted divorce as almost a non-option unless abuse, cheating, etc situations occurred without change.

It’s worth noting that her family is upset with her and took my side with all of this. Especially with kids involved.

3. Lately, it doesn’t seem like she’s “splitting me black” or “devaluing” me. She’s been very cordial. Even came to my daughters birthday party even though she has her own played and invited me to hers. Im very nice to her (especially after the dust settled on a lot of her actions). She came here and was in the lions den around my family but she was nice and we talked and joked around and I made her laugh a few times. I caught her starring at me a few times too. We don’t text or anything unless it’s about the kids still. But it’s very cordial now.

I guess I’m confused because with “black and white” thinking, I’m not sure why she seems like warm sometimes now. Doesn’t seem like she’s devaluing me, putting in the black or discarding me. She hasn’t taken me off social (most) media yet, nor deleted any pictures or old posts.

I don’t doubt that things are still moving in the same direction, but aren’t borderlines more hot and cold then this warm stuff at times? Why not cut me off as much as she can. She’s even gone to church with the girls and I at times. I’m not trying to hold on to false hope. I don’t text her, pester or bother her, like I did before she moved out. Just seems weird for a borderline (trust me, she is) to be like this now if she’s still completely done.

Her ex she probably is with is nothing I or most would be intimidated over. Short, bald, huge sex addict who cheats like crazy. So that will fail.

I don’t think our relationship was as stormy within the 4 years bc we truly were best friends and got along. Because our union was strong. Because I shouldered a lot for her and out her first. But of course she eventually fell bc she wasn’t treated. Would tell me she was terrified of abandonment and I deserved better throughout at times. So that fear finally consumed her and she’s well into the self preservation mode.

Idk. I have kids. I never wanted this. So there’s still a piece of me holding out some hope. I again don’t get why she went from psychotically hating me to now (seemingly) warm.

Am I reading too much into it? Is that normal for a borderline?



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