Is anybody in an open relationship with their BPD partner?

[kc sunshine]

If so, is it going okay? Does it help with your partner's jealousy? Is it manageable?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

I was in one. I can't say it is going OK, as my romantic relationships with both women ended separately for their own reasons. While BPD did show up in some ways, I cannot blame the open relationship itself for how any of it ended.

In general, I would say that pwBPD are often prone to jealousy, so it could be a double-edged sword.

Please tell us more about your relationship, and whether it is already open, or if you (or your partner) are considering opening it up, and if there is a specific person involved there.

I find specific situations more useful in their complicated messy reality than general questions and answers.

[Stalwart]

Hey KC:

You didn't really elaborate enough to really truly respond. What is an 'open' relationship to you and what does it involve.

Was the idea of an open relationship your idea or her idea?

It wouldn't work in my relationship which is monogamous because she would lash out in jealousy and defensiveness. She would run the other woman through the ground with probably the worst language and attack anyone could imagine even reading, let alone receiving.

Unless it is her idea totally (and that would probably change given time and experience) or she is a 'waive' that will agree to anything, I can't imagine any success or this is really a way to stay in a relationship and improve it for the two of you.

Tell us a bit more about your question because it's interesting to discuss.

[MapleBob]

I don't want to go too much into it, but it was disastrous in my last relationship. I thought it was going well, she did not, she didn't talk to me about it, and then she exploded about it. That was really the crippling blow to her ability to hold back her insecurity about me. Her insecurity was really, truly unwarranted, but she could not be convinced.

If you're considering it as some kind of a relationship "solution", I would think long and hard about it and get lots of support.

[Fr4nz]

I was in one. I can't say it is going OK, as my romantic relationships with both women ended separately for their own reasons. While BPD did show up in some ways, I cannot blame the open relationship itself for how any of it ended.

In general, I would say that pwBPD are often prone to jealousy, so it could be a double-edged sword.

Please tell us more about your relationship, and whether it is already open, or if you (or your partner) are considering opening it up, and if there is a specific person involved there.

I find specific situations more useful in their complicated messy reality than general questions and answers.

I'd add that BPDs, often, apply a double standard; so, they sort of "expect" to be allowed to go with others (this mainly due to their impulsivity and fear of engulfememnt) while they want (due to the fear of abandonment) the exclusivity from you.

In general, during the relationship I was also thinking about the possibility of an open relationship, since the situation was becoming unbearable... .but in the end it didn't matter, because things went south anyway.

[JQ]

Hey KC,

I would have to say I had a similar experience like MapleBob with my exBPDgf. She had made it clear that she was seeing, dating, sleeping with bf#2 and told her that i wasn't going to be the back up quarterback when he fell out of the game.  She told me that she wasn't stopping me from dating others ... .she said, " I can't stop you from seeing others woman ... .I won't like it but I can't stop you". I asked her again to be sure ... ."so YOU are saying it's ok if I date or spend the night with another woman since you're doing the same with bf#2". And she said yes it's ok. 

So not that I went out and did anything on purpose ... .but the things seem to align themselves up just right within the week to see an old friend who I dated ... .we went out to catch up, dinner drinks and she said I could crash on her couch ... .a drinking and driving thing. Later the next day when I had left, she wanted to know where I had been since she couldn't get ahold of me. I was honest and then Mrs. Hyde came out.

She started to yell and told me she didn't think I would really do it. I would also agree with Fr4nz and that they set a standard for themselves and a higher standard for you to maintain. And like they said it's due in part to their behavior of impulsivity and fear of engulfment while at the same time they want exclusivity of your love to limit the fear of abandonment.  The cluster B mental illness of BPD will NEVER make sense regardless of the subject and even more so when it comes to intimacy.

J

[Fr4nz]

Well JQ, if you follow the "BPD manual" these behaviours perfectly make sense IMHO :D

The problem is: it's just impossible to manage a stable, long-lasting relationship with them, because once we end up in the middle of the storm, i.e., we are subjected to endless dramas, tests, criticisms and horrible behaviours/actions, there's really no tool that allows us to fix them and achieve a stable+harmonious relationship.

And frankly, in the middle of the storm it's very hard even for us nons to fully maintain our rationality... .

[JQ]

Hey Fr4nz,

I believe if you read the contributing credits to the 5th addition of the unabridged "BPD manual" ... .you'll see my "JQ" for chapter 3, 9, and 23 and coauthor for chapters 47, 48, 63 :-D   

I would agree with your statement, "it's just impossible to manage a stable, long-lasting relationship with them".   My exBPDgf told me she had been in & out of therapy with different Ph.d's & therapist for over 25 years ... .what was I thinking that I could be the one to help her "manage" her mental illness was uneducated arrogance on my part. Once I learned ... .really learned what BPD was in addition to my own therapist input, reading, and all things to educate myself ... .I learned that there was very little I could do to "manage NOT cure" her mental illness ... .it's hard for someone to accept that cares & really loves them ... .but it's not like you can fix it with surgery and "Love does NOT conquer all".

Let me know when your get your copy of the 5th addition of BPD manual and I'll sign it for you ... .. 

JQ

[Fr4nz]

Hehe JQ, I really love your "fancy" and "coloured" writing style! :D

[thisworld]

I personally wasn't after a monogamous, committed relationship with my partner in the beginning. I mean, we were living in different cities and barely knew each other. But I sure wanted to know him more and wanted him in my life in some form. He insisted on being monogamous BF and GF so much at that time and this with such a boyish, innocent charm that I said OK. I was always a loyal, monogamous partner to him. I didn't bring any "outside factor" to our relationship and practiced my personal relationship boundary willingly: Never say to another person something you couldn't if your partner were around. Him, on the other hand, was constantly flirting on the Internet, triangulating, talking about me (character assassination as I discovered later) with his most famous ex etc. So, basically, I ended up with someone else's "monogamy")  Once toward the end of the relationship, I said that feelingwise, there was nothing stopping me from getting out of this one sided-monogamy and he felt very threatened. I didn't change the relationship form because to me that would be just denying the issues we experienced with one relationship form. It felt like I would be escaping into an open relationship rather than actually wanting it.

Plus, to me, someone who cannot practice monogamy when they insist on it themselves cannot practice an open-relationship respectfully, respecting another person's boundaries - I ran the risk of hearing all his adventures against my wishes I'm afraid. When he wanted to recycle me, I listened to him offering many different forms of relationship and I became convinced that nothing could ever be practised with him because his mind changed every two hours. He also invented funny names for these very seriously. One of these meant I would be monogamous with him but he wouldn't be monogamous with me. I mean one can choose it themselves but how can you ask it from someone? One thing that didn't change was that, as far as I understood, in my maximum "freedom" granted by him, I could only do things that he was able to do at the time. So basically, if I am in an open relationship with him and am with someone but he isn't at the time, then I can do only as much as what he is doing with someone else . (Chatting?) But the major dynamic between me and my partner was boundary busting/extinction bursts and this happens regardless of context. That's why, friendship doesn't work the way friendships as I know them to work, either. I wouldn't like to be around his dysregulation if we had an open relationship, either. 

[JQ]

This was posted by Skip and might help


https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

J

[kc sunshine]

This is all so interesting... .this is the exactly the one-sided dynamic that we have as well (that she tells me all about her other lovers but can't stand if I am seeing anyone else, even very casually). We're broken up though so I was thinking that perhaps the dynamics around being polyamorous would change if we got back together... .it sounds like it doesn't have a very good chance in that framework either.

[Grey Kitty]

I was thinking that perhaps the dynamics around being polyamorous would change if we got back together... .it sounds like it doesn't have a very good chance in that framework either.

The skills and emotional maturity it takes for her to be in a relationship with one person (i.e. you!) are all needed, plus some extra communications skills to add more people to it. From reading your other topics, it sounded like she was involved with others and you weren't during your relationship.

My experience and my advice tells me that this won't be improved in any way by adding more people and more relationships to the mix.

My experience also tells me that adding more people doesn't in itself make things all that much worse. In the case of my marriage, it brought some deeply buried problems out into the open, made a huge mess with them, and we then resolved some of them as well. It sure wasn't easy, but I'd say that both I and my wife are better people and hopefully will be better in new relationships because of what we learned during those times.

And in your specific case--if you do reconnect with her, but do it in a way which allows you to be involved with other women, I would expect her jealousy to be at least one source of fireworks, if not nuclear explosions, especially once you actually meet/date somebody else.

If I read some of your other posts right, she was involved with another couple... .she picked a couple to get involved with that are having serious relationship issues (broke up and got back together), and I would not be at all surprised to find out that she created drama in their relationship as well, or to hear that all three of them have the habit of blowing up relationships and creating drama.

My guess is that this is the way she knows how to live, and the kind of partners she seeks.

[kc sunshine]

Ha, yes! You all make such good points! Also, I think it would be hard in term of the idealization/devaluation cycle and maybe also splitting.