Minimizing my feelings and dismissing myself

[vortex of confusion]

I have noticed a pattern in myself for a while. Right now, I feel like I really need to stop it. I need to let myself feel whatever comes.

My husband left yesterday. It has been building for a long time. The problem is that there was no planning ahead and no warning. It was an impulsive thing that he did on the spur of the moment.

I can't stop crying and I am feeling all sorts of feelings. One minute I go from feeling super relieved to feeling angry to feeling sad.

For every feeling, I find myself saying things like,

"You shouldn't be sad, this is what you wanted."

"You shouldn't be angry, he did what you asked him to do."

"You shouldn't be relieved, now you have to figure out how to be a single parent to four kids."

I was talking to my best friend this morning and asking her if she thought I was making a big deal out of nothing. Is the stuff that he did really that bad? I can't seem to let myself feel things without trying to justify it or make sure that the situation warrants the feeling. If somebody were to tell me that their husband of 17 years left them with 4 kids, I would encourage her/him to feel whatever came up. I would give all kinds of supportive words and encourage them to be mad, be sad, cry, or whatever they needed to do to process it.

I can do that for others but I can't seem to do it for myself.

I let people talk me out of things that I know. For the last couple of months, I said something about the brakes on my van needing fixed. STBX told me that it was fine. Lied to me and said they were fine and that he had them checked out at the last oil change. I knew better. I had them checked and the rotors needed turned. It made me so mad that I didn't listen to my own intuition and my own inner voice. It seems like I don't trust myself and continually minimize my feelings and dismiss myself.

[eeks]

Hi vortex of confusion,

 sounds like you are dealing with a lot right now because of the sudden way in which your husband left. 

I was talking to my best friend this morning and asking her if she thought I was making a big deal out of nothing. Is the stuff that he did really that bad? I can't seem to let myself feel things without trying to justify it or make sure that the situation warrants the feeling.

I think the bit I bolded is pretty common for families in which there is abuse or personality disordered individuals (e.g. a pwNPD saying "Only my feelings count, everybody else's are irrational" or a lack of emotional intelligence ("you shouldn't feel that way, that doesn't make any sense".  I used to do this - still feeling the feelings, sometimes intensely, but thinking I was wrong for feeling them - until several years ago.

Then I learned that... .feelings aren't the same thing as reason, that's why they're called "feelings".  They don't need to be justified, they just are.  In fact, I would suggest that most if not all emotions we have are completely reasonable and measured to some circumstance, even if we don't know or remember what that circumstance is (it could be a past event, triggered in memory), and the discounting of them either by another person who lacks empathy (and perhaps curiosity) or by yourself means missing an important opportunity for self-knowledge and learning.

Someone important to you is gone, and even if you know it's the "right" thing, it's still a loss to grieve, and you have the right to feel however you feel about it.

eeks

[whirlpoollife]

It's like when one is taking care of a loved that is dying . You know they are dying. But when it actually happens, the death still comes as a shock.  Then the painful grief process starts. The rebuilding of strength to future days comes one day at a time.  

I had a long term marriage too. The self doubt I had was embedded deep.  It takes months to work it out.

with practice you will.

Take some deep breaths, go walking if you can.  There's a lot to process in the mind but it will be ok  

[Grey Kitty]

  It sounds like you are finding that you are feeling things that are so intense right now that your old habit of talking yourself out of your feelings isn't quite working as well as it used to.

I suspect that is a good thing! (No matter how #$!@#$ HARD it is to experience)

For every feeling, I find myself saying things like,

"You shouldn't be sad, this is what you wanted."

"You shouldn't be angry, he did what you asked him to do."

"You shouldn't be relieved, now you have to figure out how to be a single parent to four kids."

One observation about what you are doing to yourself here. You are invalidating yourself, each time.

You've been here long enough and learned the tools--and as you already stated, you would never do it to a friend... .saying "You shouldn't be feeling 'X' because ... ." Heck, you probably even stopped doing it to your stbexH!

Yet you still have the habit of doing it to yourself. I do suspect that eeks is right--you picked this habit up from your family doing it to you, and later in relationships with people who do it to you.

And for now, either let yourself have the feelings (as much as you can), and when that doesn't work, try to observe the part of yourself which is trying to talk you out of them. (Gee, isn't kinda weird that I keep doing this to myself? Where DOES that come from?) Approaching it with genuine curiosity about how you do this to yourself is also good practice.

[Sunfl0wer]

I wonder if part of your inner conflict is that you feel your heart is betraying your logical mind... .and you realize that you need to behave logically to survive.

Idk if this is true for you but it helped me to realize that what I was grieving, was more than the loss of the man I loved.  I had so much to grieve and the grief of different aspects and most of these aspects hit me as different waves at different points in the process.

Different aspects of my grief, which came at diff times:

Loss of being a couple

Loss of his extended family

Loss of my step daughter

Loss of the idea this man would be a positive parental role model

Loss of the idea that we would one day marry

Loss of my vision of our future (this was a very strong one)

Loss of someone to share the day to day stuff with

Loss of another body in the house/parallel activities.

Loss of hope that I could save us, step daughter.

And so on... .

I wonder if you are maybe mad at yourself because you feel you should not be grieving a man you logically know you are better off without.

Yet there is so much more to grieve than just the man who walked out that door.

[Sunfl0wer]

Btw,

One of the top three devastating moments was the first day I was in the house after he left.

(After we lived together months broken up)

I felt the bare walls mocking me, vacuumed up the carpet that revealed imprints that he left... .

The next time I felt strong devastation of grief... .but slightly less so... .was when it came time to pack up and move away from our shared place.

 

[Suzn]

For every feeling, I find myself saying things like,

"You shouldn't be sad, this is what you wanted."

"You shouldn't be angry, he did what you asked him to do."

"You shouldn't be relieved, now you have to figure out how to be a single parent to four kids."

One observation about what you are doing to yourself here. You are invalidating yourself, each time.

This is a very good point.

That's your negative inner voice, who was likely instructed and employed by someone else (usually a parent or significant person in your upbringing) on who you "should" be. Which effects how you "should" feel or whether you should feel at all. This is the gal at the controls right now, you may want to consider firing her, she's overstepped her pay-grade and work on training someone new. Someone (you) that cares about how you feel and doesn't try to shut you down.

Can you think of validating responses to

You're sad

You're angry

You're relieved

When you find those responses, that's the new gal. She may need some practice but her self validation skills will get better and better with time and your guidance.

[vortex of confusion]

I think the bit I bolded is pretty common for families in which there is abuse or personality disordered individuals (e.g. a pwNPD saying "Only my feelings count, everybody else's are irrational" or a lack of emotional intelligence ("you shouldn't feel that way, that doesn't make any sense".  I used to do this - still feeling the feelings, sometimes intensely, but thinking I was wrong for feeling them - until several years ago.

Then I learned that... .feelings aren't the same thing as reason, that's why they're called "feelings".  They don't need to be justified, they just are.  In fact, I would suggest that most if not all emotions we have are completely reasonable and measured to some circumstance, even if we don't know or remember what that circumstance is (it could be a past event, triggered in memory), and the discounting of them either by another person who lacks empathy (and perhaps curiosity) or by yourself means missing an important opportunity for self-knowledge and learning.

Someone important to you is gone, and even if you know it's the "right" thing, it's still a loss to grieve, and you have the right to feel however you feel about it.

Thank you eeks!

I know I learned at an early age to make myself invisible. Part of that was to keep my tears to myself and not share my fears too much. Mom had a way of making things about her. Just this morning, she called to check on me and started going on about how she can relate, blah, blah, blah. It became all about her and me listening to her tales of woe. I told my dad which vehicle stbx took and he questioned me about that. I have memories of my siblings making fun when another one cried or was hurt. I remember hearing, "Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about." I saw my parents do things that completely dismissed any and all fears. One of my sisters was afraid of something and dad thought it was funny and would torment her with that. I didn't have those things happen to me. I was never spanked or whipped or treated like my siblings were. I was the golden child. I made myself small and tried to do what I was supposed to do and feel what I was supposed to feel. I knew better than to go against the majority.

[vortex of confusion]

It's like when one is taking care of a loved that is dying . You know they are dying. But when it actually happens, the death still comes as a shock.  Then the painful grief process starts. The rebuilding of strength to future days comes one day at a time.  

I had a long term marriage too. The self doubt I had was embedded deep.  It takes months to work it out.

with practice you will.

Take some deep breaths, go walking if you can.  There's a lot to process in the mind but it will be ok  

Thank you!

My grandma recently passed away at the age of 91 and that is exactly how it felt. Everybody knew it was going to happen. That didn't make it any easier. That was a couple of months ago and there are days when I still feel like a piece of me is missing.

I do have a lot of self doubt. I feel guilty for not stopping him. Given how he was acting, I am certain that he was putting on the production that he did because he was waiting for me to tell him to stop. I didn't do it. I have this feeling of, "What the heck did I just do?"

[vortex of confusion]

I wonder if part of your inner conflict is that you feel your heart is betraying your logical mind... .and you realize that you need to behave logically to survive.

Idk if this is true for you but it helped me to realize that what I was grieving, was more than the loss of the man I loved.  I had so much to grieve and the grief of different aspects and most of these aspects hit me as different waves at different points in the process.

Different aspects of my grief, which came at diff times:

Loss of being a couple

Loss of his extended family

Loss of my step daughter

Loss of the idea this man would be a positive parental role model

Loss of the idea that we would one day marry

Loss of my vision of our future (this was a very strong one)

Loss of someone to share the day to day stuff with

Loss of another body in the house/parallel activities.

Loss of hope that I could save us, step daughter.

And so on... .

I wonder if you are maybe mad at yourself because you feel you should not be grieving a man you logically know you are better off without.

Yet there is so much more to grieve than just the man who walked out that door.

You have an excellent point sunflower! I don't think I am grieving the loss of him as a romantic partner. I think I grieved that a long time ago. My grief isn't really about him at all. I have been thinking about the things that I am grieving that aren't really about him:

-Loss of another adult in the house (I have 4 kids. Sometimes, it is nice to have contact with another adult. The only problem is that his behavior was becoming more and more childlike and I was losing the ability to keep myself from responding in kind.)

-Loss of my values (I am not really losing my values. It is more about the fact that I have a pretty traditional view of marriage. I only wanted to say I do once. I wanted to grow old with him. I struggled a long time with weighing the fact that my values were in conflict. Do I hold on to a marriage that is toxic and unhealthy for the sake of having an "in tact" family for my kids? Or, do I let that go so I can live out my other values on a daily basis? I am really big on peaceful parenting and working as a team. That is really difficult to do with somebody that turns everything into a competition. It was becoming harder and harder for me to be the parent that I have worked so hard to become.)

I think most of my grieving stems from the fact that I feel like I am letting my kids down by not finding a way to give them a two parent household.

I stopped sharing the day to day stuff with him a long time ago. We stopped going out on dates or doing anything that remotely resembled a romantic relationship a long time ago. We haven't even slept in the same room on a consistent basis in at least 5 years. He hasn't been any kind of partner in a long time.

I was thinking about household stuff and having help with that and then I remembered that there were so many times that he would forget or make a big fuss out of doing stuff. If I tried to do the stuff myself, he would get mad and take over. It has only been a day or two but I am able to do stuff without being afraid of how he is going to react. If that cat boxes stunk and I changed them, I would get a bunch of crap about how he was going to do it, blah, blah, blah. He did occasionally empty the dishwasher and help with the laundry.

[vortex of confusion]

One of the top three devastating moments was the first day I was in the house after he left.

(After we lived together months broken up)

For me, the most devastating moment was when he said, "You raise them kids up right." And he said something to the kids about them growing up right and acting as though he was never going to see us again. It felt so wrong and horrible for him to behave that way.

I talked to his mom and told her that I want him to be a part of the kids lives. I told her to encourage him to talk to them and that I am not going to stand in the way of any of it. He texted them the first day but hasn't said boo to them today. And he told our oldest something along the lines of, "I am not going to contact your mom because she probably doesn't want to talk to me anyway." I find that to be so horrible. My dad could be a real jerk but I was a daddy's girl. I will never forget how I felt when he kicked me out when I was in college. That was such a devastating feeling to feel like my dad didn't want me. That is how I felt when I heard him say those things. I felt like he was rejecting our kids in addition to rejecting me. The kids don't seem to be bothered by it at all. All they wanted was for me to reassure them that they would get to see dad again. I told them that I would do everything in my power to make sure that they got to see daddy again. I tried to smooth things over and tell them that I wasn't going to make any kind of permanent decisions about anything until daddy and I could get some space and think about things more clearly.

Oddly enough, I find that fact that the kids aren't more upset a bit devastating. I find it devastating that they seem so much happier and more peaceful with him not here. Granted, it has only been a day and half. I suspect that once we get into a new rhythm, they will start missing him and reaching out to him.

And, I am annoyed that he hasn't asked about me or shown any concern for me or the kids.

[vortex of confusion]

This is a very good point.

That's your negative inner voice, who was likely instructed and employed by someone else (usually a parent or significant person in your upbringing) on who you "should" be. Which effects how you "should" feel or whether you should feel at all. This is the gal at the controls right now, you may want to consider firing her, she's overstepped her pay-grade and work on training someone new. Someone (you) that cares about how you feel and doesn't try to shut you down.

Can you think of validating responses to

You're sad

You're angry

You're relieved

When you find those responses, that's the new gal. She may need some practice but her self validation skills will get better and better with time and your guidance.

I will give this a try. . .

I am sad because I am giving up. I am not one to give up. I am persistent and it feels like I am laying down and giving up. I am sad because I am having to rethink everything. I am sad because my kids are losing the luxury of having both parents living in the same home.

I am angry because I have to figure out how to be a single mom. I watched my sisters raise their kids alone. I watched them struggle and have to deal with a lot of obstacles. I didn't want to do that. I am angry because he has put me in a position where I had to choose between being a single mom or living a crappy life with a grown man child. I am angry because he gets off scott free. He can up an leave on a whim and not have to worry about anything because he knows that I can handle it. Damn it, I want to be able to cry and let myself feel stuff without telling myself not to. It makes me angry that I am constantly checking myself to make sure that I am okay. Some of that comes from the fact that I am afraid of getting carried away with my feelings and saying or doing something stupid. Today, I was feeling angry and wanted to lash out at him. I wanted to say something to him or post something passive aggressive on social media. I didn't do any of those things. I kept myself in check. I am so afraid that my feelings will carry me away and swallow me up and I will behave in ways that are not okay. There was a time in our relationship when things were at their worst. I let myself get carried away and I became a person that I did not like.

I am so relieved. It is like the entire house breathed a collective sigh of relief. I am no longer holding my breath waiting for something to go wrong. I am no longer trying to be nice to somebody that says and does things that are careless and clueless. The kids seem so much more peaceful. Even with all of the crazy emotions, I do feel a different sort of peace.

[Sunfl0wer]

Kinda side note... .

I'm getting the sense that he is creating some sad victim loss/waif story for himself.

I kinda hate to say this but... . (you have enough to think on)

I think you may need to 'show him' a new role as dad as he cannot figure it out himself.

My son's dad was clueless and needed me to help facilitate and define his role with S.  I am really glad that I did.  :)ad really did want to enjoy S but sometimes didn't know how.  I tried to seem matter of fact and make suggestions lightly so as not to seem controlling.  Something simple like... .hey... .ya know, I've been meaning to take S to the aquarium but haven't had the chance, I wouldn't mind if you got to take him... .he rather talk about sharks and such with you more anyway... .mom's are lame for that kinda thing.  I was constantly dropping little hints here and there to give him ideas on what to do with him and give him a reason to ask for him when S didn't ask for dad.  Even today with S 19, dad will call and whine that he thinks S is too bored to visit and such.  I have to remind him how important he is and the things S does look forward to, or the fact that it is just NOT personal... .S is just bored everywhere!

Maybe drop a hint: the girls would love to talk just 5 mins every night after dinner... .i think it would do wonders for them transitioning to know you are still their dad everyday.  Or come up with a "random silly question for dad" they can look forward to asking every night... .or some other routine... .you can teach them to stay connected in some routine.

[vortex of confusion]

I'm getting the sense that he is creating some sad victim loss/waif story for himself.

Yep, pretty much. His evil you know what of a wife forced him to leave. He doesn't have a job and was doing so well with the kids, blah friggin blah, and I kicked him out anyway. I am so evil. (Forget the fact that he "encouraged" me to boink other men and then come home and tell him about it. He couldn't be intimate with me without me talking about other men. I sat in the bathtub and cried that I didn't want to do it and he rubbed my back and was more loving than ever and told me, "Oh, it will be okay. You will have fun. You know you want to do it." I don't recall if those were the exact words or not but that is the gist. I am seeing somebody else right now. My stbx decided that he wasn't made for monogamy. When I started seeing this guy, he was worried because I was married. He talked to my husband to make sure that everything was cool. My stbx talked about me like I was a friggin' used car. Sure, you can take my wife for a ride. You will enjoy it. You won't regret it at all."

I think you may need to 'show him' a new role as dad as he cannot figure it out himself.

Nope, not going to happen. He couldn't figure out his old role. Me making suggestions in the past were seen as me being controlling, being a know it all, or something else. I am not going to contact him. Our oldest has a phone. I encourage her to text him. The two of them have been in communication. I have told his mother that the kids would like to talk to him and/or skype with him. I do not need to micromanage his relationship with the kids. If he wants or needs a mommy, then he can go to his actual mommy.

My son's dad was clueless and needed me to help facilitate and define his role with S.

I cannot and will not do that. My kids would see right through it and so would he. He needs to figure it out for himself. I am done taking care of him and playing referee/facilitator/whatever between him and the kids. All that would do is increase the tension between us and increase resentment on both sides.

[eeks]

Thank you eeks!

I know I learned at an early age to make myself invisible. Part of that was to keep my tears to myself and not share my fears too much. Mom had a way of making things about her. Just this morning, she called to check on me and started going on about how she can relate, blah, blah, blah. It became all about her and me listening to her tales of woe. I told my dad which vehicle stbx took and he questioned me about that. I have memories of my siblings making fun when another one cried or was hurt. I remember hearing, "Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about." I saw my parents do things that completely dismissed any and all fears. One of my sisters was afraid of something and dad thought it was funny and would torment her with that. I didn't have those things happen to me. I was never spanked or whipped or treated like my siblings were. I was the golden child. I made myself small and tried to do what I was supposed to do and feel what I was supposed to feel. I knew better than to go against the majority.

These types of dynamics, ignorance and polarization, around emotions in families are tragic.  Emotions are like indicator lights on the dashboard of your car, they are there to tell you there's something that needs paying attention to.  This is a normal, valid, human thing.  People who grew up with a personality disordered parent often had this "indicator" mechanism disabled (because that parent was too focused on their own overwhelming emotions to tune in to their child). 

It will be difficult and likely take some time to reclaim the right to your emotions, and require courage, and the support of others.  However, I believe it can be done.