Married is just another word for lonely

[SamwizeGamgee]

There I said it.  I've had that though on my mind for a week or so.  I couldn't exactly bring it up at home.

I'm essentially stuck in a marriage to uBPDw with kids.  I stay because divorce is financial ruin, but, mostly I stay because I have my kids all the time.  

I don't know if I envy people who say they know their relationship is toxic - but are in love and so try to stay.  I don't recall being in love after getting married.  I do understand me slipping into a depression because I saw my wife for what she was.  I can identify it now, but couldn't then.  Then, once kids came a long, it was just marriage out of a sense duty to others.

Finally, a year ago, I started studying about BPD and went really deep into myself and figured out a lot of things.  I am better and healthier now, and that translates into happier - and that makes a better dad and husband.  But, sometime the loneliness is just palpable.  I feel badly about marriage in general too, I just can't see a marriage being happy, or meaningful.  I feel like it's all been lies when you hear about love and marriage.  I don't like what living with a pwBPD has done.

I just had to say this to say it somewhere.  

Thanks for reading.

[strong9]

I'm sorry you're feeling this was SamwizeGamgee. I was where you are now, but I got out of my marriage 2.5 years ago. From my experience, you're focusing on the right things - yourself and your kids. Only you know whether it is worth staying in the marriage, working on it, etc. or walking away from it. Sounds like you already have views about this. And those views may change over time as you grow (figuratively) and your children grow (literally). But if you focus on your happiness and that of your children, and don't tie your loneliness/happiness (or lack thereof) to finances/marriage/romantic relationships, you just may find you aren't lonely after all.  I know easier said than done. But with persistence and the right support, you will be in a better place to make the right decision for you - one from a core of emotional strength, and not of damage and fear. I wish you well.

[Scopikaz]

How long have you been married and how bad is she? 

[teapay]

Sam, thanks for sharing.  Feeling stuck in a marriage with a mentally ill person can be very disheartening and completely unfulfilling.  Our situations are very similar.  I've got a bunch of kids and a pretty ill BPDw.  Families are often more complex than simple marriage because of the web of relationships involved. Dependent children are also stuck, innnocent, powerless but deeply effected.  I have also chosen to stay for now primarily for my kids sake.  I think for now the stability the family unit provides them outweights how my W illness effects them.  Added to that our kids definitely do not want us to separate.  If that changes for the worse (and it has been worse), I would move to break up the family due to necessity.  I would likely get custody because my W would not want and fears the responsibility. When my youngest are somewhat older it is doubtful I will continue.  So I look at things as temporary.  Nor am I afraid to change it if I needed, so I feel less stuck.  Feeling stuck is a horrible feeling.   Like you, the last couple of years I've changed for the better in someways despite the problems in the marriage.  I can't say I am doing great, just somewhat okay.  I'm trying to stay on that trajectory, recover, heal, take care of my kids and let things play out.

I've had victories and defeats in my life, but my marriage is probably my biggest disappointment in life, further compounded by the shame of being duped by a sick person and the frustration of being intwined with someone who simply doesn't operate in reality.  I see good marriages and good families, though, so I'm not completely down on the concept.  I just know that's not possible in my marriage.

[Euler2718]

you said you felt duped. Did she purposely trick you? Mine gave me so many warnings, I actually ignored them (I thought my love could fix the commitment issues etc.). I have heard of ones who trick others though -- keeping their mask on until after they get married, I guess.

I'm so sorry you're lonely. I'm alone and lonely -- but maybe i can do something about it. At least you have your kids!

[cootkilla]

marriage is lonely, so is separation, which I am now, but at least my kids 10,9,7 now respect me and my authority, I stayed for so long to shield them from her anger, which was directed generally but really at the time was about how she could not handle them.  over time, that hatred turned to me even though I was killing myself working to get home early to do home work and wash clothes and cook ( granted she is a stay at home mom).  Finally, one day in middle of another rage (rage is a common term here in my terms I always thought it was just fighting) but anyway she was yelling  about me and my affairs (which don't exist) and my youngest walked through and says yeah dad just go to your girl friends house.  Finally it hit me, I have stayed here taught these kids what a weak man looks like, exactly what they should never expect from their future wife/husbands. Finally it was about more than my ability to just take it and my illusion of holding the family together faded.

that said, I still am in denial i keep thinking some how maybe if this or that we would work it out, i really still feel love for her and moving forward is so hard, but seeing my kids happier, less stressed etc is great, plus she is now acting like mother of the year... cooking cleaning etc...

fyi, if you do leave make sure you find and copy all her journals etc - mine knows she is screwed because i have all of it, which describes in her own pen her rages and anger towards our kids which goes back a few yrs but still i have it also serves to remind me she cant rewrite history which she is already trying to do, she easily just forgets  her actions and act like things never happed... .just my life... wouldn't wish it on anybody else

[strong9]

If it provides any of you hope, I "reclaimed my manhood" instead of letting my ex walk all over me and our family to avoid conflict for the sake of the kids. But they saw the rage and they saw me concede and that wasn't healthy, intact family unit or not. Fast forward over 2.5 years later, after a 2-month period of uncertainty when I didn't see the kids at all, I have had them 100% of the time for the past 2.5 years.  I have my kids and my life back and my ex lives half way across the world. If it wasn't for the fact that my kids don't have a stable mom in their life, I would say it is the perfect life and one I wouldn't change for anything. My point: sometimes standing up for yourself pays off if you stay the course. There is hope. As teapay suggests, your situation is temporary. Whenever you are dealing with someone who is emotionally unstable, the stable partner will win out in the long term.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Thank you to all for the support.  I have been married, or, as I think of it myself I've been working on a divorce, for 18 years.  I am happy, because I have chosen to be.  I do have good kids (when they are not copying mom's patterns of behavior).  I also have a good group at work, and do my best to stay in touch with long time friends, so I'm not lonely as in isolated from the world.  I am lonely in marriage though.  I heard it somewhere here that if I'm going to be alone, I'd rather be by myself.  Which speaks for being separated or divorced.  Sooner or later, the kids will grow up, and I'll be left with a cold and selfish manipulate

[SamwizeGamgee]

... .post cut short on phone... .

Anyway, I'll end up with her if I stay. 

I have seen improvement when I enforce my boundaries.  Nothing that should have to be forced in a normal relationship, but necessary with my BPDw.  It's just unnatural to have to be the stoic parent to your spouse.

Thanks for the support.  Good to know there are fellow travelers here.

[teapay]

Sam, sounds like you are taking the right actions in the context of your life and that things will continue to work themselves out painfully and as slowly as that may be.  But I agree with strong9 that the the stable person will eventually "win" (will work out better for you) in the end if you keep on the right track.  Things will never really work out for the BPD, or for that matter, for the non who is sick too.

[ArleighBurke]

I was about to make the same post as Sam today... .

Married and alone. Staying because I fear for what my kids (12/9/6) will have to endure if I leave. I shocked myself last week - I was asked to rate my marriage. I gave it 4/10. Then I debated that with myself for a while because really? But yes.

What sane person stays in a 4/10 marriage? I do not want to grow old with my uBPDw. She has no hobbies, so quick to be offended, I just see pain and fear - too much for me to overcome. But when to leave? Can I wait 5yrs? The youngest will be 11 - is that OK?

In the meantime I can work on me. I can work on becoming stronger, not accepting the crap, standing up for myself. I can work on my friendships and hobbies. I can teach my children to be strong, to empathise and validate without folding or getting sucked in. Yet i have to do all this while resisting the instoppable force that is her wrath and anger.

[strong9]

Williamskevin,

I'm sorry to hear this. No one can tell you the right answer to staying or leaving, and I can empathize re: the kids. I've been there. I would say do all of the great things you note for yourself and the kids for their own sake (ie, you would do this even if you weren't in a bad marriage). It will give you a greater sense of freedom and fulfillment.  It won't stop the raging, but that is going to be a constant no matter what you do. I wish you luck.

[Michelle27]

My youngest was 11 when I ended my marriage.  For her, it put an end to the chaos in the home, although it did open the door to her own feelings of abandonment when her Dad all but disappeared out of her life.  She was old enough to understand mental illness as a reason for the chaos and be grateful for it to have ended, while still being in touch with the sadness of her Dad moving out permanently.

[SamwizeGamgee]

This brings up the challenge I face - how to do the least harm to the kids.  If my wife falls back into the days in which she was yelling at the kids, putting them in no-win situations, badmouthing me with everything she insinuated, raging, then I would have the motivation to leave.  As it is, she's merely malformed in personality, selfish, passive aggressive, dramatic, and still has a lot of self-worth issues - all of which won't change, whether the kids are around, and whether we divorced or not.

So, empty, lonely marriage it is for now.

[flourdust]

This brings up the challenge I face - how to do the least harm to the kids.  If my wife falls back into the days in which she was yelling at the kids, putting them in no-win situations, badmouthing me with everything she insinuated, raging, then I would have the motivation to leave.  As it is, she's merely malformed in personality, selfish, passive aggressive, dramatic, and still has a lot of self-worth issues - all of which won't change, whether the kids are around, and whether we divorced or not.

So, empty, lonely marriage it is for now.

It's really difficult to not have a simple, clear answer where everyone wins. I've gone round and round on this question for months. My daughter is 10 and has witnessed all the rages, screaming, suicide threats, divorce threats, being used as a therapist, being used as a confidant against me, and so on.

If my wife could just protect her from the BPD behaviors, I might view it as a tolerable if empty marriage. But she hasn't been able to do that. So, like Michelle, I need to end the chaos at home and accept that we'll have a more stable life, even with the abandonment issues.

[SamwizeGamgee]

I'm stuck. I kind of think that I'm standing here in the family, with my hand holding the fuse, or whatever.  If I let go, let down my guard, or have a bad moment, then terror will be unleashed.  But, if I stay and do everything perfectly I "save" the family.  So, it's kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy.  I stay and suffer to protect myself and others.

Confusing.

[khibomsis]

just a view from someone with a uNBPD mom, I used to pray that my parents would divorce. They never did but I must have spent most of my twenties making that prayer - every day. We all did. Now recently my 15 year old niece was diagnosed NBPD and obviously environment isn't everything but I reckon growing up with my mom didn't help.  Not walking in your shoes so can't tell you what to do but thought you should know the children don't always want the parents to stay together.