My insanity

[JerryRG]

You're saying you're upset you are no longer being abused, lied too, walking on egg shells, living in constant fear, chaos and drama, flooded with anxious dispair, hopelessness, heartache and anger?

PwBPD mirror us, was she only showing me, me?

This is my insanity.

Even though this has been pure hell, I still find myself grateful. I'm in a place I never would have been if not for this relationship. Everything I thought was so horrible has given me a new life.

So why do I keep hanging on to these memories, resentment and confussion? Why don't I accept the way things are? Why mind f**k myself into insanity?

Again my life has never been better and yet this insanity prevails.

Anyone else chasing their tails in amazment?

[WoundedBibi]

This night (as many others as I just read from the different posts) I'm having a weak moment.

And it started out as just checking a birthday date. My best friend's birthday. I can never remember if it's March 29th, 30th or 31st. I remembered I got it wrong last year and that he Whatsapped me the right date. So I check the Whatsapp history between my friend and I. It's been a year + a few days ago that he let me know the right date. Yup, that's a lot of scrolling. And of course I have to go past all of the 'wow I think I'm in love' 'this is wonderful' 'he is a bit weird' 'no, he loves me' 'I don't get his reactions' 'today he's ignoring me' 'he said he wants me to be the mother of his children' 'hang on, what just happened' 'why is he twisting my words' etc etc messages, in reverse order.

And all of a sudden feeling melancholic, of course I look at the lyrics I saved from the song he posted on his blog from some singer, referring to me:

What did I ask from you?

What did I ask from you, other than loyal understanding,

Other than realizing that in this life there's no

Other love like mine.

What didn't I give you,

That could be put in your hands,

And although I tried to steal the light for you,

It couldn't be.

Today you ask for

The stars and the sun but I'm not a god,

Just like I am, I'm offering you my love, I've got nothing else.

Ask me for that which I can give you, I don't mind

Surrendering myself to you under no conditions.

But what did I ask from you, you can say it to a mute man,

Other than realizing that in this life there's no other love

Like mine.

None of it is true. He gave me cr*p. He wanted my submission not loyal understanding. But for some reason this night it hurts again.

Thank god he also wrote on the same page I have cold eyes and an empty heart (no, I didn't check, no worries there, I know what he wrote on his blog by heart). It balances out the melancholy above lyrics bring me and the very faint urge to contact him.

No good can come of it. It's all bull's excrement. It's just a song he posted there to wallow in his pain, it means nothing. It's just melodrama. Putting on the costume of the victim. Stay away. I must stay away. I will stay away. NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC.

[JerryRG]

You express yourself so poetically, I can feel your mood inside your words, don't stop feeling and living wounded. My ex and I had our songs, looking back I don't believe she even knew there was another person in our relationship with herself.

It's certainly their loss... .to which feeds their self lothing.

Everything has it's price

She knew she couldn't live up to what I seen in her... .so she ran sway

[WoundedBibi]

No worries, I'm past the weak moment already 

It wasn't even 'our song', it's just a melodramatic song he posted on the blog page about me. It's something his culture is known for: dramatic songs and books about love, lost love, breakups etc.

But it dawned on me the pull (dramatic "I would have given you everything" song) is on the same page as the push (dramatic statement that I have cold eyes and an empty heart). Now why would he want to give his love to a woman with an empty heart anyway? So I kicked myself in the butt "wake up woman!" and realized I had my weak moment because my colleague came over and we discussed work and what it will be like when I return, and yes, briefly him. And I forgave myself for checking on Whatsapp last night when he was last online. Today is a new day. They say you need to do something for 28 days to make it into a habit. So if I can stay completely NC (as in not checking up on him) for 28 days it will be a habit.