Daughter Chose No Contact

[Huat]

It was not our choice to break off contact with our daughter.  She started running away when she was 12 (now 50)... .ran 4 times.   When she got too old to be a teen run-a-way, she then turned to cutting us off... .used her 2 daughters as trump cards.  In a sense that was still running away.  

During this 3+ years of NC, I have reached out a number of times to no avail.  She has told me that she will never go into counselling with me... .even though I said I was willing to look at myself and take responsibility for my actions... .good/bad.  Hmmm?  Over the years we have communicated through letters, then e-mails.  Her correspondence was getting more and more caustic so I finally drew the line.  She exploded when I said I would open no more e-mails from her... .that our communication in the future was to be face-to-face or on the phone.

Since the kids were little, we have had a get-a-way cabin.  Even though our daughter and granddaughters have literally shunned us, they still felt they could use the cabin... .of course not wanting us there.  Our daughter went into a rage when we made it clear there were no "fringe benefits"... .angry that there were "strings attached."  

The healing through this long episode has been hard.  Our lives have always been devoted to our kids/grandkids, picking up pieces and trying to make life "normal" for so long.  I have had to work hard to get past the role of victim and turn, instead, to look at our N/C as a kind of blessing.  We are oblivious to any drama happening in their circle.  At our age (mid-70's) we have to worry about her rage turning from verbal to physical.  

So, with all that said, the healing is a work in process that will probably be life-long.  I don't wake in the middle of the night anymore and cry... .progress!   Dammit!... .I am a Mom and will always be a Mom but I will no longer be a victim.  The rules have changed.



Mod note: This post was split from Working to heal

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sdmfoster]

Good for you, love! I'm in the first week of no contact from my oldest. And it hurts so badly. I'm glad to see it is survivable.

[Rockieplace]

  Oh it is so sad to hear your story but I understand completely your need to protect yourselves and to try to achieve a quality of life which isn't dependent upon the whims and foibles of your offspring! I think it is perfectly valid for you to refuse access to your holiday cabin to your daughter when it precluded you!  We are 67 and 63 and are attempting to have a life in retirement that isn't completely overshadowed by the feelings of entitlements and demands of our kids (only one of whom has BPD). 

My husband and I both had extremely deprived and difficult upbringings but have worked hard to provide a loving and stable home for both of our children.  My BPDD33 has never, to be fair, suggested that her illness has anything to do with her upbringing.  There is a lot of mental illness on my side of the family though and she has quite often blamed me on account of this!  She has been horribly abusive in other ways too.  Her abuse has mostly been aimed at me, the mother, which I believe is pretty standard and being very clever, she knew exactly where my weaknesses lay.  She knew that I had a propensity for feeling guilty about everything and played on it big time.  She played off my husband against me too and was nearly successful in splitting us up on quite a few occasions.  My husband really thought that I was an unnatural mother at times.  When he finally realized that my concerns were valid he changed and my BPDD turned on him.  He then felt the full force of her venom and finally understood what I had been subjected to all along.  

I am not NC with my daughter but can understand totally that it must feel like a relief of sorts despite the nagging worries.  

I wish you as much peace and serenity as is possible.