Ex Borderline Girlfriend situation that lead to demise

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi Everyone,

I just wanted some people's opinion on the situation that lead to the demise of the relationship I most recently had.  So I had been dating this girl for about 5 months at the time, and thing started off amazing, but after about 2 months I noticed odd behaviors and her ability to go from 0 to 10 really quickly and I did some research and she most likely has BPD (she's been diagnosed with it before but doesn't think that its her actual diagnosis).  Regardless, I am 25 and this girl is 28, and we went to my friends wedding about a month ago.  At this wedding, the reception started at 4pm and had a 1 hour open bar.  My girlfriend at the time had way too much to drink and ending up blacking out by 6pm, was stumbling all over the place and ended up knocking over an entire pitcher of water onto my lap (on accident).  Around 7pm my friends told me I had to take her back to the hotel (which was connected to the reception area) and put her to sleep.   So I did, and she ended up falling asleep (while intoxicated) for about 5 hours.   Around 1 AM I returned to the room, (I had been casually checking up on her every 30-45 minutes to make sure she was OK) she had awoken and I confronted her and told her that her behavior was inappropriate, she embarrassed me in front of my friends family and that she represented me at this wedding.  She ended up bursting into tears and curled up in a ball and said " I just want my mom to be here" and then after 20 minutes of me trying to console her/ still getting my point across, she looks at me and goes "Can we just have sex now?"   I was very taken aback by this and still to this day don't know how to react to that.  The next day we woke up and I was still in a pretty bad mood from this whole fiasco, but she acted as if nothing had really happened and that these types of things are "normal."   

When I told all of my friends they were appalled and said that was very immature behavior and that it was disrespectful to me and the people at the wedding ( who she didn't really know).    At this point, I just wanted some feedback to know if I'm overreacting or not, I feel like I have a right to be upset about this event, but she made it a point to say that people get too drunk from time to time and that it happens, but I still feel like when you are 28 years old you should be able to control yourself.  Maybe I am overreacting, but I just want some insight from people who have maybe been in a similar situation.    Anyways, this event started a chain of events/ fights that lead to me breaking up with her because I emotionally could not handle the roller coaster ride anymore, but I still feel very bad about it all.  Thanks for the help!

[mmsnow03]

Hi Everyone,

I just wanted some people's opinion on the situation that lead to the demise of the relationship I most recently had.  So I had been dating this girl for about 5 months at the time, and thing started off amazing, but after about 2 months I noticed odd behaviors and her ability to go from 0 to 10 really quickly and I did some research and she most likely has BPD (she's been diagnosed with it before but doesn't think that its her actual diagnosis).  Regardless, I am 25 and this girl is 28, and we went to my friends wedding about a month ago.  At this wedding, the reception started at 4pm and had a 1 hour open bar.  My girlfriend at the time had way too much to drink and ending up blacking out by 6pm, was stumbling all over the place and ended up knocking over an entire pitcher of water onto my lap (on accident).  Around 7pm my friends told me I had to take her back to the hotel (which was connected to the reception area) and put her to sleep.   So I did, and she ended up falling asleep (while intoxicated) for about 5 hours.   Around 1 AM I returned to the room, (I had been casually checking up on her every 30-45 minutes to make sure she was OK) she had awoken and I confronted her and told her that her behavior was inappropriate, she embarrassed me in front of my friends family and that she represented me at this wedding.  She ended up bursting into tears and curled up in a ball and said " I just want my mom to be here" and then after 20 minutes of me trying to console her/ still getting my point across, she looks at me and goes "Can we just have sex now?"   I was very taken aback by this and still to this day don't know how to react to that.  The next day we woke up and I was still in a pretty bad mood from this whole fiasco, but she acted as if nothing had really happened and that these types of things are "normal."   

When I told all of my friends they were appalled and said that was very immature behavior and that it was disrespectful to me and the people at the wedding ( who she didn't really know).    At this point, I just wanted some feedback to know if I'm overreacting or not, I feel like I have a right to be upset about this event, but she made it a point to say that people get too drunk from time to time and that it happens, but I still feel like when you are 28 years old you should be able to control yourself.  Maybe I am overreacting, but I just want some insight from people who have maybe been in a similar situation.    Anyways, this event started a chain of events/ fights that lead to me breaking up with her because I emotionally could not handle the roller coaster ride anymore, but I still feel very bad about it all.  Thanks for the help!

[MapleBob]

Getting drunk and embarrassing yourself at your new boyfriend's friend's wedding isn't entirely worthy in and of itself to suspect BPD. Can you tell us more about the "roller coaster ride" that ensued after that?

Sure, her behavior is pretty extreme in that instance, but she's right to a certain extent that "people get too drunk from time to time".

[mmsnow03]

Well her other symptoms were she had extremely chaotic relationships with all of her past boyfriends and her family members, she would always have these dreams about me leaving her and tell me that she knew I was eventually going to leave her and would contemplate breaking up with me because "it wasn't fair for me to deal with her",  she would go from one extreme to the next and have very impulsive thoughts and ideas, for example she would be extremely happy about one thing one minute and then extremely disappointed about other things the next (it seemed as though there was no middle ground).  She had a very hard time controlling her emotions and would often say how she felt sad for herself because her father left their family when she was 13 and her mother had to work a lot of jobs so she was barely around (it's very sad I know).   She would often tell me that she had voices in her head that would tell her she is a "bad girl" and that she "deserves to be alone", along with that she has a history of suicide attempts and cutting.  The relationship started very, very fast, and I'm not going to lie, I really liked it at first, I felt like I was her savior (if that makes sense) but the further we got into our relationship, it seemed as though she would do things to try and get a reaction out of me (and if she didn't like the one she was getting she would try something else) and every fight that we got in SHE was the one to bring up whatever topic we were discussing.  All of these symptoms lead me to research BPD  (and the fact that she told me she had been diagnosed with BPD by an ER doctor several years before but didn't think it was a correct diagnosis.)  I guess what really got me thinking it was BPD was how she told me she felt "empty" if she was alone.  I've never really heard anyone else say that to me in my life so it kind of made me curious. 

And believe me, I definitely understand getting a little too drunk here and there, but that was probably one of our last fights out of 2 months of constantly fighting.  It got to a point where I felt like I couldn't express my needs anymore because she would become angry or defensive, even if I wasn't upset about something she did.   I did feel somewhat bad confronting her about the wedding incident because I have been too drunk at an event before myself, but that's where I am torn because I am still somewhat upset about the fiasco in the first place.   Thank you for your input, I really appreciate it.

[once removed]

It got to a point where I felt like I couldn't express my needs anymore because she would become angry or defensive, even if I wasn't upset about something she did. 

BPD is a shame based disorder; a person with BPD feels shame at their very core (and fundamentally believe they are "bad" but spends great effort at avoiding feelings of shame with any of several maladaptive coping mechanisms. the thought process, not necessarily (and probably not at all) conscious, might look something like "i got black out drunk, i feel ashamed, i am bad. i embarrassed myself, others, the person im attached to, i feel ashamed, i am bad. the person im attached to is reminding me that i am bad. this is all too much for me to process. can we just have sex now?"