Is giving your all not enough ?

[Mr Shifu]

This is my first post and I hope that someone can understand the hardship I've been through.

I was with my ex wife for 3 years and married for 2. Week after week we would fight and things would always get way put of hand. A simple act like forgetting to put the salt away would have me receive some of the most nasty attacks at me as a person and about how I am not good enough. I tried my best to be everything she wanted me to be but it was never enough, my past wasn't good enough, my future was doubted and my present was worthless. 90% of the time it was good but when things were bad, they were really bad.

Having divorced 2 months ago, I still feel like I am the one who failed. I gave it my everything and nothing was ever good enough. I still feel like I am to blame and I am still hanging onto the marriage as if it's what I truly want. I want to help her and I want to love her. Is it possible ? Please can someone help me

[Mr Shifu]

Just read this on another post... .

At this point, I just wish she had the empathy to know how much she hurt me. If I could fashion any "punishment" for her, it's to know what I felt - how much I loved her, how much I cared for her, how much I was looking forward to our future, and how much I hurt over her blindsiding me.

[HarleypsychRN]

Mr Shifu,

I feel for you. Sound like you really cared for her, but it sounds like a very tumultuous relationship.

My ex-BPD thought herself to be an intellectual... .whenever I dared challenge her about anything, she took it as me being argumentative, yet she reserved the right to be consistently critical and sarcastic. Mine totally lacked empathy for anyone (more than likely co-occurring pathology) which made for a nasty combination.

You will heal, there are some good people on this board who are going through exactly what you are.

"The calendar changes, they don't" -Unknown

[Teereese]

Good morning Mr Shifu,

Welcome to a great place for support and insight.


My r/s ... .when it was good, it was very, very good but when it was bad it was horrid.

I can relate to your wanting your ex to realize the hurt you feel. Most of us here would like the same.

For me, I realized that will never happen with my ex and I am okay with that.

There are great lessons in looking inward and healing. It is a process and takes time.

We are all here for eachother.

[once removed]

hi mr shifu and

when someone you are so close to repeatedly tells you that you or your behavior are not good enough, and you give your all to change it, to no avail, its really hard not to believe and internalize.

its also very common for a person recently divorced to experience a lot of self doubt.

so its quite a double whammy, really. as you work through your grieving process, share it with us, your support group, and learn about BPD, you will, in time, separate whats yours from whats hers, see that you gave your all to your marriage (a relationship takes two, one persons all is never enough to make any relationship work) and that thats not a bad thing.

who initiated the divorce?

[HarleypsychRN]

That's why they call it "walking on eggshells". They are emotional vampires sucking the life right out of you. You have come to a great place for encouragement and support. This is a place where you can heal.

"The calendar changes... .they don't" -Unknown

[gotbushels]

Mr Shifu  welcome!

"Is giving your all not enough ?"

Yes, it's never enough. And the reason for this part of her is not your fault.