How do we help them and ourselves ?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Goddamit, there must be a way out of it.

There must be some text somewhere that we can give them to read

Where they'll recognize themselves and their behavior

And get them to want to change or seek help.

I'm one of the "lucky" ones here, still in contact with the ex, she'll read what I'll ask her to. Or watch a YouTube video.

Any ideas?

[NCEA]

Goddamit, there must be a way out of it.

There must be some text somewhere that we can give them to read

Where they'll recognize themselves and their behavior

And get them to want to change or seek help.

I'm one of the "lucky" ones here, still in contact with the ex, she'll read what I'll ask her to. Or watch a YouTube video.

Any ideas?

[tryingsome]

What are you trying to accomplish? I mean exactly, what light bulb are you hoping you will have the pwBPD see?

Most people do not like being told they are flawed, especially a pwBPD and doubly from a person whom they love.

Here is a thought, do you not believe they don't know there own behavior?

Because I am quite certain they do.

The question is do you want them to be accountable for those behaviors? To hold some moral obligation to you?

If we take the stance that they can't. Are you okay with that?

You can't teach a 3 year calculus, and you can't teach a 3 year old to understand accountability.

[wanttoknowmore]

Yes  You Can !  But, she is most likely to shut down or rage and shut you out completely.

At least ,without telling her... .you have this narrow window of opening. Why risk complete shut down.

She can not deal with such information at this time.

[WoundedBibi]

Goddamit, there must be a way out of it.

If there was it would be applied around the world daily and BPD would be gone soon.

There must be some text somewhere that we can give them to read

There are many articles or blogs we can show pwBPD to read about BPD.

Where they'll recognize themselves and their behavior.

It depends on where they are on the spectrum, their personality, if there is any comorbidity with NPD, depression, substance abuse etc and the mood of the moment if they are able to recognize themselves and their own behaviour in it.

And get them to want to change or seek help.

You cannot get someone to want to do anything.

They need to want it.

They might want it for you but then the resolution will last 5 minutes. Even if they do want it for themselves they want it in THAT moment. As you know their moods change 'rather rapidly'. So a different mood appears and the resolution to change or seek help goes out the window. Hence the issue why BPD is so difficult to manage even with therapy; it is very very very difficult for pwBPD to follow through. And not to idealize their therapist at first and then to decide they are horrible and leave. Or leave therapy because the therapist had the audacity to go on a holiday thus triggering abandonment issues. Or lie to the therapist, or... .So on.

I'm one of the "lucky" ones here, still in contact with the ex, she'll read what I'll ask her to. Or watch a YouTube video.

Any ideas?

So. She'll read it. Or watch it.

If she is in a receptive mood she will recognize herself, feel horrible, it will open up all her core wounds which will make her feel she is going to die.

If she is not in a receptive mood she will not recognize herself or go into denial, and get angry at you. It might send her off into a rage. If she does recognize it but is in denial.

Can you handle either situation?

Very dangerous territory. Confronting pwBPD with the suspicion they have BPD is generally very much discouraged. VERY MUCH.

DON'T

[Dutched]

May I recommend that you leave her alone, give her some time / rest to reach her baseline by herself again?

There is some gain for you too: rest… to find yourself again.

What is your idea or goal? To re establish the r/s somewhere in the future?

Assuming you want to help her is as getting on very thin ice.

More, as Bibi wrote, depends if she is low(er) or high(er) functioning.

Higher functioning tend more to NPD, they rarely hit rock bottom, they rarely accept help, they ‘just’ leave a trail of destruction and ‘move on’.

You are in a sense painted black, you hurt her to her core, please remind that.

As being so deeply hurt you will be seen as a persecutor, that’s why I said give her some time.

I have seen numerous letters on this Board expressing feelings (our) towards an ex. Same advise over and over again, do not sent it

Same and same contents again and again. Persecuting the ex (not willingly!) from their perspective.

It is about expressing our hurt => so THEIR fault, expressing our love => so THEIR lack of it, etc. etc.

A lot of us did sent letters, including me, sometimes even knowing from second had that the ex did read it, all without any effect.

By doing so you are proving her fears, the bad child that is punished again by that persecutor of ‘stand in parent’.

So ex is right about you, you are not trustworthy, BUT you were the one ex trusted (in the beginning…) who ex could rely on, etc. In time ex began to see your flaws. Flaws in the one ex trusted and loved? How hurtful must that be in the mind of ex?

So the more you ‘fight’ in order to let her see the light, the more you justify the split of you as the bad parent.

See, please see it from her perspective. You / we are not dealing with a person that is emotionally mature. The body is, the social behavior is. Again the mind is not, it is a rollercoaster inside that brain.

Now I really don’t want to justify the behaviour of a pwBPD, certainly not as I was dumped in a blink of an eye after 30+ yrs., so been there.

I just ask you to reconsider your actions that comes from a good hart, comes with great intentions to help a fellow human being!

Also remember that what you saw in ex was what ex mirrored. Ex mirrored YOU. 

You were her rescuer to feel whole, to feel being deeply loved, to give self esteem, to give stability, but you failed in ex eyes (no not your fault!) as a result of her deep underlying coping behaviour (pushing you away, picking, gas lighting etc. to ‘test’ your weakness)

Ex is the victim, remind that. Blaming others prevents them to have that deep feelings of shame, of facing guilt.

That’s why ‘they’ move on so quickly, by repressing all and jump into new heights to fill their emptiness . The rollercoaster in optima forma.

I close my comment with an one liner.

   What is normal for the spider is chaos for a fly tangled in the web of the spider…

[patientandclear]

There are a few pieces that might go over better than others, because they are very sympathetic to the POV of the borderline person while identifying the r/ship problems that come as a result of this way of thinking.

I have not shared with my ex because he himself has occasionally identified that there may be some sort of attachment disorder but then runs hard away from that insight. I think he will be more open if he finds it himself. He is very resistant to any insight that originates with me.

I will say the "pwBPD will react badly" stance on this stuff seems of a piece with other walking on eggshells postures that are discouraged. Initial reaction may be terrible, but when the smoke clears, it may be better to have spoken. You might try posting on the Improving Board, as people there are experts on communicating in a way that does least harm. Even there, most avoid a straight on discussion of BPD, but you may get more sympathetic feedback.

If I were a person wBPD, I think the article on this site "Why We Struggle in our Relationships" might be easier to absorb than many. It explains BPD reactions very sympathetically. There is also The Buddha and the Borderline. You might read that first if you have not. Written by a woman wBPD who works super hard to get better. The caution for you is that by the end of the book when she has made superhuman efforts, she is still very far from being able to function in a r/ship. But not a bad thing to share with your ex if you were going to share something.

[once removed]

I will say the "pwBPD will react badly" stance on this stuff seems of a piece with other walking on eggshells postures that are discouraged. Initial reaction may be terrible, but when the smoke clears, it may be better to have spoken. You might try posting on the Improving Board, as people there are experts on communicating in a way that does least harm. Even there, most avoid a straight on discussion of BPD, but you may get more sympathetic feedback.

i was reading a thread from a few years ago, the other day. there was discussion on this very subject. the original poster was afraid to tell his wife, who could clearly tell "something was up" that yes, something was up, and it was making things worse. one poster who was making the case for telling his wife "something was up" mentioned that she had shared an article on BPD with her partner, under the premise that she did not believe he had this disorder, but that perhaps he might find that it resonated with his family dynamic. he was apparently very receptive and agreed. i have no idea if he went on to get any help.

having said that, that was one unique situation with two unique people, a very careful approach, between husband and wife.

NCEA, have you had an opportunity to read the ten beliefs that can keep us stuck? you can find them here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

[lunchbox123]

I showed my exuBPD an article about borderline recently. I told her years ago that I thought she had BPD. After our relationship she was diagnosed with bipolar, I believe this is an incorrect diagnosis.

She did not get angry but she blew it off, I think she spent less than a minute skimming over the criteria and then said she barely had any of these traits. I believe she has 9/9 based on her actions and on her statements in lucid moments. I think she choses to forget some of these things as she suffers a lot from dissociation.

IMHO there is no use in telling them you think they have BPD. What you could do is give them some examples of things they did that are unreasonable but to them seem perfectly normal. Based on that you can convince them to see a professional who can then assess their situation.

[NCEA]

Thank you for your comments I will write back about them soon.

I think it's just AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL that it's called a "disorder", they need to get rid of these stupid labels.

It's a personality type. ___ed up? Yes, but it's just a personality type with certain traits which are out of the curve.

[duncsvoice]

I would sincerely love for my ex to understand her actions, I tried in a roundabout way but it wasn't received well, at all. But, if I was to approach her and explain that I think she has BPD, it would probably destroy her. She chucked a grenade in my life and left me in its wake, but deep down I know it isn't her fault. I walked away from her entirely for my own sake, but I care for her to not want her to have any more suffering than we have both been through.

[WoundedBibi]

Thank you for your comments I will write back about them soon.

I think it's just AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL that it's called a "disorder", they need to get rid of these stupid labels.

It's a personality type. ___ed up? Yes, but it's just a personality type with certain traits which are out of the curve.

Same difference. You can call it whatever you want. We can change the rules on this site and never speak of Borderline Personality Disorder again but just of Borderline Personality. Does it change anything? No. The issues are still the same. The dynamics are still the same. The way a pwBP feels on the inside is still the same. The way they behave in a relationship is still the same. The way we get hurt is still the same.

The longing you have for things to be different is still the same.