Supporting BPD after the relationship has ended?

[Funkymelb]

Hi my ex GF has BPD. I feel I am one of the few people, if not the only person, who has worked this out. We have not been together for over a year.  She is with someone else now. Every time I reach out to her the reaction is extremely negative. So much so that I am concerned for my well being. I worry she will say something nasty against me. She has an 8 year old child. I am under no illusions that we will ever get back together again. I am also under no illusions that I can "cure" her. But, how do I reach out and let her know that I am there? I appreciate that BPD is a terrible affliction. What is the best attitude for me to adopt other than just writing her off completely? Your advice is most welcome.

[Hadlee]

Hi my ex GF has BPD. I feel I am one of the few people, if not the only person, who has worked this out. We have not been together for over a year.  She is with someone else now. Every time I reach out to her the reaction is extremely negative. So much so that I am concerned for my well being. I worry she will say something nasty against me. She has an 8 year old child. I am under no illusions that we will ever get back together again. I am also under no illusions that I can "cure" her. But, how do I reach out and let her know that I am there? I appreciate that BPD is a terrible affliction. What is the best attitude for me to adopt other than just writing her off completely? Your advice is most welcome.

My advice would be to let her go.  BPD aside, she is with someone else now. 

The more important question you should be asking yourself is why you still want to reach out to someone who is negative in their response. 

Use the concern you have for your well being and focus on yourself rather than your ex

[Funkymelb]

Yes, Thankyou.

I have certainly let go and have had no contact for over a year. That is my position at the moment and I have had a great time  looking after and looking to myself after a tumultuous relationship.

But, I am not comfortable with so easily abandoning someone entirely with a mental illness. I That for me is the dilemma. In some of the literature and anecdotal evidence to suggests that the BPD still apprecaites our concern even though they are negative and push us away.

Should we simply abandon those who are mentally ill?

[Hadlee]

Should we simply abandon those who are mentally ill?

It's not about abandoning a person with a mental illness, what's more important is recognizing when the person is toxic.  Relationships with a pwBPD can be incredibly damaging to our well being.  A pwBPD expects all those close to them to abandon them eventually.  That belief is inbuilt.   

How did your relationship end?  Do you feel like you abandoned her? 

[Herodias]

I agree... .You need to let her go or you will face anger and more. Why do you want to have her to depend on you when she is with someone new? That would be triangulation and not good for either of you. I think you believe you want to be kind... .I did in the beginning too. Unless you are a therapist skilled in personality disorders, you can't help her. I think you should reevaluate your own thoughts here. I'm sure you mean well, but ultimately it's not good for you. Take care... .

[Ahoy]

Yeah mate we all struggle with this I think. You are probably working out how to help someone that doesn't want help. The illness is nefarious, the defence mechanisms inhibit a sufferer from accepting responsibility for actions, it seriously hampers any chance of them realising they are unwell and to go and seek treatment.

In reading the boards, most people who are in therapy have hit some sort of rock bottom or were diagnosed BPD when they have sought treatment for something else.

You get 60-90 years on this planet. You have already spent one of them trying to help someone who doesn't want/appreciate your advice. Maybe it's time to let go, use that time and energy on you!

[once removed]

hi Funkymelb and

im glad you found us. id agree with your description of BPD as a most terrible affliction. its an illness that no one chooses, and one that takes personal initiative and great courage to face.

it sounds to me that you have taken great strides to let her know that you are there for her. i admire that selflessness. you also mention that you are concerned for your well being, and that she may say something negative about you which is a reasonable consideration.

when was the last time you had contact? what was the exchange like?

[ArleighBurke]

I have the same feelings as FunkyMelb. If I leave my BPDw, I would know that she will be alone, bitter and hurting. She has an illness. She didn't choose this. And although i can't help her, is it right to abandon her? But how nuch of ME can I afford to offer her? 1hr a day? A week? What is the benefit to her, and what is the the cost to me?

[Funkymelb]

Thank you for the replays,

At last contact 7 months ago I simply asked her how she was and wished her well on her sons bday. The response was not great. She told me to stop bothering her or she would make a formal complaint. (We both work in the same very large workplace). It was an emotionally violent gesture. Since the demise of the relationship 16 months ago I have only been in contact with her 8 times. Mostly this was done  very carefully and via a friend.

I hear what is being said about looking after myself and not wasting my time. I agree. My life has been so much more joyous and better without being involved with a BPD. I am thinking I will let it be known to her, communicated via others, that I am around if she is in crisis. That crisis may or may not come to me. I can then leave it at that and not worry. I guess I dont want to give her the satisfaction of thinking that I have abandoned her. I also feel a moral obligation to the mentally ill. Even if they are not aware of their own condition and the emotional damage they inflict on others.

[SRbikerider]

Stop!

It sounds like you are the one initiating contact.  Let it go!

You tried.  She has made it clear she does not want your concern.  Crisis or no crisis, it is not your concern.  Sorry to sound brutal, but getting sucked into their drama does you no good.  Count you blessings that is over and find a healthy outlet for that need to help.

[Inharmsway]

Hi Funkymelb,

I can understand the overwhelming sense of wanting to make contact and not abandoning her. It's normal to have empathy and sympathy.

You do however need to be careful as you can end up being served with harassment papers if you persist against her wishes.

Also bear in mind that in most cases a "savior complex" could be an indication of our own issues and inadequacies.

Have you considered exploring through a therapist or similar, why you have the urge to want to save or even invest time in a person that thinks less of you?

Have you dealt with the rejection by her adequately?  Have you considered how the new guy might feel when he finds out that an ex is trying to make unwanted contact with his girlfriend?

Do you not perhaps think that she will see you as needy and subsequently loose respect if youyou keep nagging?

Believe me if you wanted her to know that she has a shoulder in time of need, she got the message loud and clear but will only paint you white when she's ready and needs you.

Just wanted you to think about these questions.

[balletomane]

Just knowing that someone has a problem, no matter whether it's physical or psychological, doesn't make it your responsibility to solve it. The other person needs to want your help, and you need to have something that you can usefully do.

I have a close friend with depression and other mental health difficulties. My support for her consists of going round to watch a film and eat pizza to help take her mind off things, or maybe inviting her out for a walk on days when she's feeling low and can't motivate herself to leave the house. That's it. I can't do anything more for her. I have no magic wand to wave to take the depression away. I am not her therapist. I can only be a friend. And I can only be a friend if she wants me to be.

You can't push yourself into your ex's life and assume that you could do something helpful if only she'd let you. Assuming that she does have BPD, it is a very complex set of difficulties and it can't be transformed by one person flying in to fix things.

There are some inconsistences in what you write: you say that you've had no contact for over a year, but you also say that you contacted her seven months ago on her son's birthday. That's not no contact. Then you say that you've had contact eight times since the relationship ended. That's definitely not no contact, and from what you write, the contact is being initiated by you. If you keep getting in touch with her when she has requested you not to then she will have a case against you for harassment. However much you want to help her, you need to accept and move on when your help isn't wanted.

[warhar]

From your post, Funkymelb, it seems that you are a kindly, honourable and empathetic type of person.

In other words - BPD BAIT!

You are their victim of choice!

You have been offered a God-sent opportunity to avoid the destruction that these people inevitably bring with them. TAKE IT and run!

Highly skilled and trained mental-health professionals are wary of dealing with BPDs. What chance have we?

Read these pages, understand that there are many here who have lost EVERYTHING that they once held dear because of having a relationship with someone who has BPD.

Get away - and spend the rest of your life thanking God ... .

[MapleBob]

From your post, Funkymelb, it seems that you are a kindly, honourable and empathetic type of person.

In other words - BPD BAIT!

You are their victim of choice!

THAT. But, to put it in more productive terms: you're acting out your codependence. There are many many many resources here and elsewhere for you to learn about and discuss codependence.

I empathize a lot - it's incredibly difficult to will yourself to stop caring for someone that you care about. But you can't force your care on someone who does not want it and doesn't ask for it. It's the asking part that is crucial, and it doesn't sound like she's asking for your support in any way.

[Fr4nz]

Funkymelb, some random thoughts... .first, she's responsible for her own life, she's an adult; second, she's with a replacement, so it's not your concern anymore. Last, having a friendship with a BPD is far from easy, and o top of this you have to add that she doesn't want to see you (at least currently).

It's definitely time to focus on yourself... .living without a BPD is definitely better!

[zeus123]

You're foolish to think you'll get over your borderline(or get healthy), if you're still engaging with her. If you wanting balanced, equal romantic partnership you can rely on, you'll quit dating borderlines.

[Mutt]

Hi Funkymelb,

It sounds like you're likely a source of shame for her if she is responding so negatively. I would suggest not contacting her, that includes third parties and let her contact you on her own terms.

I am thinking I will let it be known to her, communicated via others, that I am around if she is in crisis. That crisis may or may not come to me. I can then leave it at that and not worry. I guess I dont want to give her the satisfaction of thinking that I have abandoned her. I also feel a moral obligation to the mentally ill. Even if they are not aware of their own condition and the emotional damage they inflict on others.

BPD is a cluster B personality disorder, the dramatic type, there will always be a crisis   I would think again about that statement because it sounds like rescue and that's how many members become involved with a pwBPD. Don't rescue.

I understand that she is mentally ill but is she getting help for her mental illness?

[Funkymelb]

Thank you all for the advice. It's good to see at least one other Australian here Overwhemingly, not pursuing anything is the best course of action. This is the course I will take. Whilst, I do not like writing people off because of mental illness there is not a lot I can do; this particular BPD's evasion and lack of awareness about there own mental state is intractable. I am looking forward to deeply enjoying my continuing drama free life. Thank you for your thoughts.

[Fr4nz]

I hear what is being said about looking after myself and not wasting my time. I agree. My life has been so much more joyous and better without being involved with a BPD. I am thinking I will let it be known to her, communicated via others, that I am around if she is in crisis. That crisis may or may not come to me. I can then leave it at that and not worry. I guess I dont want to give her the satisfaction of thinking that I have abandoned her. I also feel a moral obligation to the mentally ill. Even if they are not aware of their own condition and the emotional damage they inflict on others.

Funky, the problem is that she already knows you're there for her. She just doesn't want to have any kind of contact with you at the moment. Continuing to communicate with her, even by means of indirect ways, will bother her even further; this is something you definitely NOT want!

So, Let her go! if she truly wants to make contact with you in the future, she'll find the chance to do it. In the meantime, focus on yourself and your emotional health. BPDs have very profound impacts on us nons... .