Tips for Emotionally Detaching from False Accusations

[Depression = 72% of members]

Does anyone have any?  I try not to get mad when my wife does it but sometimes do.  It bothers me bad to have my character attacked when I'm doing nothing wrong.

[dacoming]

Does anyone have any?  I try not to get mad when my wife does it but sometimes do.  It bothers me bad to have my character attacked when I'm doing nothing wrong.

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[waitingwife]

The lesson section - Take care of yourself might be a good read in this situation.

[isilme]

It really bothers me to sit through a rage-tirade about something I did not do or say.  Sometimes, when I am tired and cannot exert better control over myself, I invalidate and pretty much fight back, and it's awful and I realize it was mostly due to my being tired, sick, or just not paying attention to what was happening as far as the conversation until it was too far gone.

Sometimes, I am lucky, and can head things off at the pass with a good, quick validation of his impression and explanation of what was really said or done. 

Sometimes, I realize that no matter what, it's his emotions speaking, and am able to let is slide off and then he's spent his word vomit and it's done.

Sometimes, if I am alert, I am able to take a break with a quick errand or chore outside and it's passed when I get back.

Also, a last thing - FI's episodes seem to coincide with hypoglycemia.  He becomes the most irrational when he has not eaten regularly, or for more than 3 hours.  So I keep an eye on that, too.

Not sure if this helps, but yes, it's galling to have to be at the whim of someone's else's reality.

[waverider]

I found it more important to be able to recognize that you have been affected, and that you may have reacted badly, or taken it too much to heart. Then be able to accept that will happen sometimes no matter what you do, and to then to let it go and not kick myself for not "getting it right".

Its like a brain fart, your job is not to let it stick.

The more you recognize it for what it is the less it affects you for long. Often trying to deny it affects you is delusional. Accept it affects you  then side step it.

[Sunfl0wer]

I suppose to cope with such things I play logical games in my head, which helps me to stay in a more analytical mind frame vs getting pulled into an emotional one.

So say my SO (now ex) accuses me of not liking my SD:

I may have thoughts along these lines or something else... .

-I analyze the validity to myself and ask myself, true or false?  I assign it a value.  (Sometimes I may assign it an in between value, then revisit if there is a small truth there.)

-I then move on to observe his emotion.  What emotion appears beneath his words? Is it anger, fear, guilt, etc.  So, for example, I may realize he is actually recently told by T to spend more time with my son and likely is feeling guilty for not wanting to and fear of the consequence of returning to T without having complied.  I may decide that it is possible that his statement is actually a projection of his own feelings.

-I may move on to contemplate and try to have compassion for his feelings of fear and guilt.  I may come up with a possible explanation that I can try on him, in my mind.

While I realize that I am 'making up' these explanations and they may not be correct, I can consider them to be a possibility.  The main point though is that I am working with the left side of my brain which helps me to stay in a wisemind state and protects me from being emotionally reactive.  (Or at least that is the goal with these mind games I play with myself!  ). It also helps me to keep his feeling on him in how I process them, vs feeling them on myself so much. (Or at least that is how I try to play it when I am doing well at it)

When I am feeling angry, and having a hard time having compassion or putting my feelings aside, I can remind myself that he is factually selfish and what is going on, and leaving his mouth has likely nothing to do with me even tho it sounds that way.  It is pretty much all about him. 

I remind myself that his reality is just that: his reality, no one else's. 

My reality is also just mine, and no one else's.

I have the right to hold onto my reality and protect it and he can only tamper with it if I allow it.  And in that moment, I can just hold to my own, even if he is trying to blast his to the universe.

[waverider]

While I realize that I am 'making up' these explanations and they may not be correct, I can consider them to be a possibility.  The main point though is that I am working with the left side of my brain which helps me to stay in a wisemind state and protects me from being emotionally reactive.  (Or at least that is the goal with these mind games I play with myself!  ). It also helps me to keep his feeling on him in how I process them, vs feeling them on myself so much. (Or at least that is how I try to play it when I am doing well at it)

What you are doing here is giving the executive part of your mind a wake up call to prevent the emotional part endorsing a reaction before the executive part has even turned up to have a say.

Whether your assumptions are accurate of not, they are sufficient to prevent you giving knee jerk reactions. It is the knee jerk reactions that ultimately cause us to feel like we failed or "lost it"

I like to think of the mind as board room with the different parts of the mind debating reactions to situations. The "emotional" party having the loudest voices in a BPD mind.

[CrazyChuck]

Sometimes, I am lucky, and can head things off at the pass with a good, quick validation of his impression and explanation of what was really said or done. 

I have this down to an art. Once or twice a day quick validation and keep it moving.

But sometimes it just hits you in your face like a brick. These are the times I wish I could flip a switch and turn off my feelings. You want to fight back the injustice. But you know you can not win. There is no winning. The stress this causes is unbearable!

[dacoming]

The only way to validate my wife seems to be to agree that EVERYTHING she says is true.  I try validating the tiny portion of her argument that is true and she gets even madder because I'm "minimizing" my wrongs.  At times I do take the blame for what she says just to end the raging but I feel empty and hopeless by doing that.  And that often doesn't work and leads to more arguments because I "lied" to her initially before I realized she "knew the truth and I had no way out."  She calls me a compulsive liar.  She's the only person on earth that calls me a liar... .although I have lied and kept things from her time to time.  Usually to avoid arguments or having something switched around into something bad.

[CrazyChuck]

The only way to validate my wife seems to be to agree that EVERYTHING she says is true.  I try validating the tiny portion of her argument that is true and she gets even madder because I'm "minimizing" my wrongs.  At times I do take the blame for what she says just to end the raging but I feel empty and hopeless by doing that.  And that often doesn't work and leads to more arguments because I "lied" to her initially before I realized she "knew the truth and I had no way out."  She calls me a compulsive liar.  She's the only person on earth that calls me a liar... .although I have lied and kept things from her time to time.  Usually to avoid arguments or having something switched around into something bad.

I feel your pain. If you agree to something, then it confirms to her that you did lie. If you do not, it escalates.

[Jessica84]

It's natural to want to defend yourself, but that's the real trap. Agree that you are a liar, that makes you a liar. Disagree that you are a liar, well now you're a liar who can't admit it. No way out of that one.

A lot of what Sunflower said rings so true about activating the logical brain and detaching the emotions. No sense getting drawn into their crazymaking. The best way I know to do that is to stay calm and ask questions... .If you don't understand the problem, ask. "Help me understand... ." is a good start. Asking questions shows interest, and that can be very validating in itself.

Then, ask yourself a few questions... .is what she is saying true? If there is even a nugget of truth, I acknowledge that first. May even apologize. I don't try to be right or prove him wrong on the other stuff. If accused of "minimizing" things as your wife does, I look for cues behind his words - where is this really coming from? If I can identify the feeling causing the accusation, I validate that feeling. Believe it or not, this is often enough to slow the pot from boiling over. The "facts" will often change according to their mood anyway... .so if you can affect their mood positively, the new "facts" will often reflect that. May even become irrelevant to them, and they can't remember why they got upset in the first place! If validation doesn't work, try to disengage before it gets to you. Nothing good will come if you're both upset. One of you has to be the "grown up"... .unfortunately, that's always us!

You may also ask these questions (in your head) before reacting... .does this matter? can I let her believe this about me? do I need to prove my innocence? But this is the biggie--- What is she feeling to say such hurtful, awful, weird, or outlandish things? Validate the feelings and the facts may suddenly change. My pwBPD has gone from 0-60 in .02 seconds... .and after validation he's driving the speed limit again, emotionally speaking.

[waverider]

Trying to argue facts with a dysregulated pwBPD is like throwing rocks at an avalanche, it just becomes more weight that is is turned around and dumped on your head.

Stepping aside until the rocks stop falling is the only safe manoeuvre.

Stick to validating feelings, not facts. The facts may seem accurate but they will be twisted out of context. The most toxic of lies and accusations contain an element of truth that can blind us to the intent. This tricks us into validating the invalid, as the validation we give is not the one they hear

[Jessica84]

I like the falling rock analogy.     

"Validate feelings, not facts" is golden advice. Arguing facts with a dysregulated person is beyond pointless. I learned this the hard way. It's not really about the facts. It's not about agreeing with them either. It's about making them feel seen, heard, understood, or at least trying to. Validate, then move on.

I used to think that I could make him see my point of view (you know, reality) if only I could explain it right or present the facts to him in a rational way. But there was never a right way. I didn't know he was rearranging and distorting the facts to fit his mood so no amount of reasoning would ever work. That's like trying to reason with a 3-year old screaming "I hate you" or "you hate me" in the heat of a tantrum. Can't take those words too seriously. Best I can do when he's in that state is validate his feelings, let him know I'm there for him, grab a shiny object off the shelf and hope the outburst ends quickly.  If none of that works, I find the nearest exit. For me, "I'm here for you" sometimes has to mean "I'll be over there for you... .dodging rocks until it's safe to come out" 

[badknees1]

These comments are very helpful. For good or bad I have determined I cannot ever be transparent with my wife. I want to but because of the unpredictable of her BPD rages... .I can't be open, vulnerable etc. This saddens me because I see other couples who at least can approach near total transparency with love and patience. This of course greatly affects out physical relationship which has all but died. Avoiding details... .most guys can perform no matter what but I just can't connect with a person who will tell me I have destroyed her whole life one day then tell everyone I am her hero for killing a spider on Facebook the next day. I yearn for that emotional/physical intimacy but I am always on guard and like in Star Trek... the shields are always up.

[Bpdsupporter]

I feel your frustration... .I been there and can completely empathize. The biggest challenge I gave with my pwBPD is about false accusations and him not trusting me.

The best thing that works for me is to try and not get caught up in the what he's saying. And the magic words that always works for me is I ask him to tell me all about it. I tell him I want to hear all his concerns about me in detail. And it's hard for sure to hear sometimes because his conclusions will be completed irrational one-sided and delusional. Use to piss me the hell off . But now I have way more compassion and patience and try to empathize as best as I can.

When he's done venting I say is there anything else you want to say? And let him talk more. Sometimes these sessions take 5minutes sometimes a few hours... but what I notice in the end he feels better. And because what he's saying about me most of the time is not true, I'm just not offended and don't take it personally. Because in reality it's really not about us at all. They love us very much they just have to deal with these vast emotional ups and downs several times a day and it can be exhausting scary and terrifying for them.

Self care and knowing your worth knowing who you are and standing in that will also help you too. Having a book of written affirmations about yourself that you say everyday to remind yourself about your positive attributes will help you not get caught up in the rip tide of your partners emotional dysregulation. If it gets too hot just know that telling your partner you need to step away and take a few minutes to clear your head is ok to do. I tell my partner to give me a few minutes but I want to comeback to the conversation and really hear his concerns and that I really want to understand what he is feeling.

I've seen incredible progress in our relationship since I've been doing this. It's not easy though and sometimes I mess it up if I'm tierd or stressed. So I really try to work on myself too making sure I get enough sleep and be healthy.

Also I always take a st John's wort pill before engaging in some of his episodes. It just helps me feel calm balanced and positive. Hopefully with more practice my skills will be at a place where I won't need a supplement to help me feel calm .

Take it one day at a time and be easy on yourself. Good luck!

[Bpdsupporter]

These comments are very helpful. For good or bad I have determined I cannot ever be transparent with my wife. I want to but because of the unpredictable of her BPD rages... .I can't be open, vulnerable etc. This saddens me because I see other couples who at least can approach near total transparency with love and patience. This of course greatly affects out physical relationship which has all but died. Avoiding details... .most guys can perform no matter what but I just can't connect with a person who will tell me I have destroyed her whole life one day then tell everyone I am her hero for killing a spider on Facebook the next day. I yearn for that emotional/physical intimacy but I am always on guard and like in Star Trek... the shields are always up.

Dear badknees1 I just want to personally encourage you that you can be vulnerable and transparent with someone with BPD. Don't loose hope. There are a few skills if you perfect like validation skills active listening learninh boundaries and empathy that will open the door for transparency in all your relationships... .especially with your pwBPD.

One of the reasons I love my partner so much is that he tremendously helped me with my body dismorphia and low self esteem. I shared with him my childhood issues and how I had years of bullying and he has always been so compassionate caring and loving to me about that.  Even cried with me and empathized.

So even though in his dysregulation states he has been hurtful he also has been the most caring and sweetest man I've ever known.

All relationships have problems transperncy and vulnerabilty are hard for everyone. And even more challenging if your with someone with a mental illness.

So let your guard down by learning to love and accept yourself first. It's so easy to focus on our partners illness and neglect our own mental health. Stay positive and  don't loose hope you can most definitely have a fulfilling relationship with someone with BPD. I'm living proof!

[Jessica84]

BPDsupporter - I let mine vent too, but sometimes it still backfires. Assuming I can stay calm and none of his words cut me in half, once he's done telling me how horrible I am, and I say "I'm still listening. Is there more?" HE gets overcome with guilt. All of a sudden, I am perfect and HE is the horrible one. Has this ever happened to you? How do you keep him from swinging all the way to that extreme? Mine can rattle on endlessly. Sure he feels better for a moment getting it all off his chest... .but then feels even worse when he realizes what he's said. How do you handle that ?

[Bpdsupporter]

BPDsupporter - I let mine vent too, but sometimes it still backfires. Assuming I can stay calm and none of his words cut me in half, once he's done telling me how horrible I am, and I say "I'm still listening. Is there more?" HE gets overcome with guilt. All of a sudden, I am perfect and HE is the horrible one. Has this ever happened to you? How do you keep him from swinging all the way to that extreme? Mine can rattle on endlessly. Sure he feels better for a moment getting it all off his chest... .but then feels even worse when he realizes what he's said. How do you handle that ?

Yes I've been through that too. See the outcome isn't necessarily about him feeling better even though he may feel better afterwards. But sometimes he may feel worse or like you said even guilty... .but the good thing is the emotions are out. And now able to look at them and resolve them. This is for him to do. We can't solve their problems we can only support and love them through it.

If he feels guilty then we need to talk about that too. I guess I try and stay present and empathize and validate as much as possible.

Ex let's say my pwBPD says

"You hurt me so much" All you ever do is cut me down you are never there for me.

Me

That must feel terrible (this is validation which is not agreeing with his statement or disagree validation is no judgement at all) tell me more about what that FEELS like. I want to hear all about it, every little detail.

Try to keep the conversation about what he is feeling and not what he's saying. Also repeat back word for word what he says helps too.

Like you could say

So your saying that I hurt you and cut you down. That must feel really terrible. Tell me more about how that feels.

I guess I think of it like being a detective and trying to help him figure out why he's got this intense feeling. When I'm in that investigative mode it's really hard to be offended or take things personally. You also have to be patient and once Again the outcome isn't about getting him to another emotional state it's about holding his hand through the funky ugly times. Not an easy task at all!


It sounds like it's really challenging for you to sit through hearing him be critical and I know it's hard to realize this but even though what he's saying is about you it's really not about you at all. So recognize the triggers that can make you defensive by staying present, because you have done nothing wrong you dont have to rationalize or defend yourself at all. Easier said than done of course, it gets so so hard to do sometimes but keep practicing because you will see communication improve immensely in your relationship.

Also self care and knowing yourself and who you are is crucial! Being positive about who you are nobody can ever tear you down. Words will roll off you like tephlon. Words only stick to our own inner turmoil hurts and pain. The more you heal inside the easier it will be to have compassion and empathy and validate your partner. He's not just being mean just to be mean.  he has a debilitating mental illness. So it's in no way easy I'm sure you are doing your best. Self soothing techniques like prayer meditation breathing also help me tremendously.

Also acceptance is important. If your  in it for the long haul you have to accept him for where he's at. It may not seem like it but I'm sure he's doing the best he can. And so are you!

[bruceli]

These comments are very helpful. For good or bad I have determined I cannot ever be transparent with my wife. I want to but because of the unpredictable of her BPD rages... .I can't be open, vulnerable etc. This saddens me because I see other couples who at least can approach near total transparency with love and patience. This of course greatly affects out physical relationship which has all but died. Avoiding details... .most guys can perform no matter what but I just can't connect with a person who will tell me I have destroyed her whole life one day then tell everyone I am her hero for killing a spider on Facebook the next day. I yearn for that emotional/physical intimacy but I am always on guard and like in Star Trek... the shields are always up.

... .and getting ready to go into battle with the Kobayashi Maru?

[waverider]

BPDsupporter - I let mine vent too, but sometimes it still backfires. Assuming I can stay calm and none of his words cut me in half, once he's done telling me how horrible I am, and I say "I'm still listening. Is there more?" HE gets overcome with guilt. All of a sudden, I am perfect and HE is the horrible one. Has this ever happened to you? How do you keep him from swinging all the way to that extreme? Mine can rattle on endlessly. Sure he feels better for a moment getting it all off his chest... .but then feels even worse when he realizes what he's said. How do you handle that ?

Yes I've been through that too. See the outcome isn't necessarily about him feeling better even though he may feel better afterwards. But sometimes he may feel worse or like you said even guilty... .but the good thing is the emotions are out. And now able to look at them and resolve them. This is for him to do. We can't solve their problems we can only support and love them through it.

If he feels guilty then we need to talk about that too. I guess I try and stay present and empathize and validate as much as possible.

Ex let's say my pwBPD says

"You hurt me so much" All you ever do is cut me down you are never there for me.

Me

That must feel terrible (this is validation which is not agreeing with his statement or disagree validation is no judgement at all) tell me more about what that FEELS like. I want to hear all about it, every little detail.

Try to keep the conversation about what he is feeling and not what he's saying. Also repeat back word for word what he says helps too.

Like you could say

So your saying that I hurt you and cut you down. That must feel really terrible. Tell me more about how that feels.

I guess I think of it like being a detective and trying to help him figure out why he's got this intense feeling. When I'm in that investigative mode it's really hard to be offended or take things personally. You also have to be patient and once Again the outcome isn't about getting him to another emotional state it's about holding his hand through the funky ugly times. Not an easy task at all!


It sounds like it's really challenging for you to sit through hearing him be critical and I know it's hard to realize this but even though what he's saying is about you it's really not about you at all. So recognize the triggers that can make you defensive by staying present, because you have done nothing wrong you dont have to rationalize or defend yourself at all. Easier said than done of course, it gets so so hard to do sometimes but keep practicing because you will see communication improve immensely in your relationship.

Also self care and knowing yourself and who you are is crucial! Being positive about who you are nobody can ever tear you down. Words will roll off you like tephlon. Words only stick to our own inner turmoil hurts and pain. The more you heal inside the easier it will be to have compassion and empathy and validate your partner. He's not just being mean just to be mean.  he has a debilitating mental illness. So it's in no way easy I'm sure you are doing your best. Self soothing techniques like prayer meditation breathing also help me tremendously.

Also acceptance is important. If your  in it for the long haul you have to accept him for where he's at. It may not seem like it but I'm sure he's doing the best he can. And so are you!

The hardest part about this is that it takes an enormous amount of self esteem and feeling of self worth to to do. Unfortunately many nons when starting down this path to recovery have had this eroded away and so struggle to do this.  As you get further down the path to personal recovery you will find this easier. That in itself is validating to the non that they can do this whereas they never could before.

The short of it is the very processes of dealing with pwBPD, once they start to take effect, can give us an enormous boost to our self confidence that we never otherwise would have had.

I have always held the belief that self confident people dont need to sell or defend themselves, they just are. Those who feel compelled to oversell, or over defend have issues with either arrogance or insecurity. They need to either subjugate or need validation of their own worth.

[Bpdsupporter]

I have always held the belief that self confident people dont need to sell or defend themselves, they just are. Those who feel compelled to oversell, or over defend have issues with either arrogance or insecurity. They need to either subjugate or need validation of their own worth.

PREACH!

[Jessica84]

Couldn't agree more. They can break anyone, but they can also give us the opportunity to superglue ourselves back together and repair many of the cracks that have damaged us -- insecurities, childhood traumas, etc.

I thought I had a healthy sense of self when we first met... .but it eroded over time. I was so shocked at first, like a deer caught in headlights, by every crazy outburst or accusation. Eventually it made me question everything about myself. I went pretty quickly from "What a jerk!" and getting defensive to... ."Wait, is he right? Am I really a horrible person?" to... ."Yes, he is right. I am a terrible person. I don't deserve him. Everything is my fault!"  Took years of drama and especially finding this site to detach from the chaos and get back on solid ground again.

What I've learned is how important it is to let things roll off and not let the words stick. Not always easy. The blaming and name-calling were the worst. Now I give it a quick translation in my head: "I'm scared, overwhelmed and confused. I don't know how to cope with my own feelings so I'm going to blame you for them." I know it's not that simple, but it sure got easier on me (and easier to validate him) when I started ignoring his words and paying more attention to his feelings. The relationship isn't ideal, and probably never will be, but it's far more stable now.