Our final breakup

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all,

I've been a long time member of this thread, and I'm on my third major recycle with my dBPD gf. This last one has lasted about 2 1/2 months but she broke up with me this morning, definitively. Right now I feel numb, but I am bracing myself for the withdrawal. Will you all wish me luck and keep me in your thoughts? 

[kc sunshine]

Hi all,

I've been a long time member of this thread, and I'm on my third major recycle with my dBPD gf. This last one has lasted about 2 1/2 months but she broke up with me this morning, definitively. Right now I feel numb, but I am bracing myself for the withdrawal. Will you all wish me luck and keep me in your thoughts? 

[steelwork]

Oh kc, I'm so sorry. I'm thinking of you. Please let us know how we can help. Do you feel like talking about what happened?

[myself]

How do you know this is the 'final' time?

Because she's deciding that it is?

Or because you are?

[kc sunshine]

Hi gang,

Thanks so much for being here steelwork and myself-- it means the world. Here's what happened:

It's been a rough few weeks for us in lots of ways, but also time of great connection. Here's the high/lowlights:

1) This time around it has been an open relationship-- in the past two weeks she has started seeing someone seriously. I have been adjusting to it, and while the first week was super tough, last week was better and I was more peaceful about it. It still was difficult though-- especially when she and I would hit rough waters and she was texting the other woman.

2) Her daughter has been struggling with suicidality and cutting (I think she is BPD too) and had a couple scary incidents last week-- including one in which her daughter went to the train tracks to kill herself but luckily called us and the the police before the train came.  :'( :'(

3) She joined Facebook for the first time in our relationship. Her seeing my Facebook page was a big trigger for her because I didn't have any pictures of her up there.

So that was the general scenario-- she had her date night with her girlfriend on Friday and then I came over on Saturday and we hung out all day and night. That all was good, except she was a little bit "off" in the morning. What triggered the breakup is that she took my phone and looked through my messages. I walk on eggshells with her about the phone stuff because it is such a trigger (she thinks I am hiding things from her, which leads me to avoid the phone). I let her though, just to show her that there was nothing there. Or rather I didn't think there was anything there but she got super mad because the way I wrote to my friends was very warm and also because I didn't talk about her much in the texts. I stayed pretty calm, and didn't JADE very much (a little but not that much), but she was super super mad. I went out for a run though and I guess in the meantime she had gone through my Facebook page and found out that an my friend (an old flame) had visited me when we were broken up last year, and I didn't tell her about it. That's what triggered the actual break up. She was very mad that I hadn't told her about it. She didn't believe me that we didn't sleep together. So that was our horrible morning and our horrible breakup.

On my part, I think it is definitive because I am moving-- I was going to move at the end of August but now I think I'll move sooner. On her part, I think it is definitive because she has the other girlfriend and is less likely to feel lonely and get it touch with me. I think that knowing that the other girlfriend is there will make it easier for me to go NC this time as well.

They say that after each recycle the break ups get harder and harder. They've all been really tough. I hope I can keep it together for this one. I know breaking up is the right thing to do in the long run, but I did and do love her so much.

[HurtinNW]

I'm so sorry. This is so hard! Yes, each break up gets harder and more painful. I should know, I went through more than I can count. It's like the damage of each break just adds up. Whatever happened during the times you were apart becomes more fodder for more damage. The heart grows more suspicious, and you each have more experiences away from each other. In my four year relationship with my ex, it got so I had a completely different life, including friends I had made during separations, a new job I had gotten, and so forth. The separations alone did mass damage to my trust.

My belief is each time a BPD/NPD breaks up and we recycle, we just add more poison into an already toxic relationship. Since they are usually incapable of self-reflection, remorse and accountability, recycles never start as clean slates or greater understandings. They start with us trying to use every tool possible to keep an increasingly damaging relationship. I read once it's like breaking a plate. You can break a plate once or twice and glue it back together. You can't break it twenty or fifty times and expect to ever use it again.

It sounds like you want to start detaching. What do you think would help on that journey?

[kc sunshine]

I do want to start detaching. I know how intense the withdrawal is, though now I'm still pretty numb. I'm nervous about feeling as bad as I did beforehand, and having that bad feeling go on and on and on. I think I'm going to try NC this time, and then I will leave town, so hopefully the geographic distance will help. Right now, because she is with my replacement I don't think I'm feeling any FOG. I do feel some regret, and definitely sadness and missing her sweet self (that was with me just minutes before the phone stuff that triggered the break up). I think I will do the things that have helped before:

1) yoga in the morning

2) talk to friends a lot (poor them)

3) post on this board

4) get packing to move

5) eat well

6) enjoy nature

7) talk to my kids

8) pray

9) try to get to sleep on time

(not in that order)

Any other ideas?

[kc sunshine]

I do feel like a person who is about to face drug or alcohol withdrawal... .bracing myself for it. BPD is cruel. Right now I am still a bit numb.