Intro to my history

[momandgrandma]

Hello, I am a mom of a troubled, and what I suspect is a BPD 21 year old adult child.   :'(  She has always been "high maintenance", and I have been guilty of profiling her as my "very child".  When she was little we would call her "more, most, and first" as she always wanted more and always insisted on being first and always wanted the biggest of something.  She has 2 sisters,  one older and one younger.  

She still lives with her father and I and, to make matters even more complicated, she also has an 8 month old son(as a result of poor, impulsive choices).  She is financially, emotionally, and even physically Exhausting!  I need help but don't exactly know where to start.  This site is already helpful as it is comforting to know others are dealing with these same kinds of issues.

Her dad and I(who have been married 29 yrs) love her and our grandson dearly and our BPD has never been neglected nor physically abused that we are aware of.  I also know, however, that I and her dad have contributed to her illness by being reactive and emotional rather than empathetic and smart in our choices in our dealings with her.  I am worn out.  I can't kick her out of the house, which is what I long to do, because I worry about how she will fare and how our grandson will fare.  Please help me get perspective.  Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello momandgrandma,

Welcome to the Parenting Board, we are so glad to have you here with us.

I'm sorry to learn that  your daughter is not thriving as an independent young woman and that you and your husband are still caretaking.

Do you find yourself doing much of the parenting with your grandson since he is living in your home?

Being emotionally, mentally, and yes, physically exhausted from the drama, outbursts and demands our children/adult children make is common.  For me personally, I had to learn how to set some boundaries regarding verbal abuse so that I could create a safety zone for myself.  Once I had my boundaries in place I was better able to learn the affective communication skills to use and life got so much better in my house.

Has your d21 ever been in therapy?  Is she formally diagnosed with any disorders?  If not, what traits of BPD does she exhibit?

I look forward to hearing back from you.

lbjnltx

[Huat]

Wow, Momandgrandma!  Wonderful to read that you and your husband have been able to look back and see how you might have inadvertently contributed to your daughter's illness.  Now each of you can work on changing yourselves with the information from this website.  With that work in progress, your daughter might change, too, but you will definitely feel better once you set boundaries for yourselves.

My husband and I, too, are Gramma and Grampa (grandchildren now in mid-20's) and we lived through, and put up with so much drama, during their growing-up years.  Sadly, our daughter used them as her trump card... .but we are confident in the knowledge that we were positive influences to them... .gave as much "normality" to family life as we could.   Boundaries always should be well-thought-out... .but especially so when there are little ones involved... .a whole other dimension! 

Welcome to the Parenting Board, Momandgrandma.  I am sure you will find some comfort... .hopefully some answers... .as you share with the rest of us.  There are some very wise people contributing on this site.