Tired amidst transitions

[landslide]

My 16 y/o has been in the hospital and is moving to a short term residential MI-CD program tomorrow.  It has been a huge relief to have her safe as she was repeatedly running away.  I want to have hope for the next phase of treatment, but I am so worn down by her.   We've visited and called regularly and she is so volitale and unhappy, most interactions are  unpleasant.  I know she is truly suffering but I'm burned out from all my efforts being rejected.  I am having a hard time finding any hope for things getting better.  We've experienced so many systems problems in trying to get her help in addition to coping with her very serious issues.  I don't feel like I can be the mom she needs anymore. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

I hear ya Landslide!  I hear ya!

It is so hard to face the rejection as you try your darndest to be Mom to your kid.  Hurts!   I remember being floored when years ago I heard the title of a book I couldn't wait to get my hands on... ."I Hate You, Don't Leave Me."  Someone put it in words!

Hugs to you.  Hang in there.  Have faith in yourself... .and be nice to yourself.  Keep writing!

[landslide]

Thanks Huat, I had a good cry last night, and it helped both to write it out and read your encouragement.  I appreciate it very much. 

[Bright Day Mom]

Landslide,

You are doing awesome!  We all get worn down and feel we can't continue... .guess what, we are stronger than we'll ever know.

A good cry is sometimes very beneficial / cleansing in a way.

Never give up hope that your child can get past this crisis and back on track.

Our d is 16 too, began RTC program in Feb. and is like a different kid; we're starting to see the happier girl.  Lots of work on our whole family's part, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Keep the faith.

 

[landslide]

Thank you Bright Day, it is so helpful to hear that your daughter has made progress.

When I got home from work today, there was a notice in the mail that my insurance company is now denying the last 5 days of my daughter's hospital stay!  Honestly, some day I will write a book.  The only thing I could think to do in response was sit down and eat a big piece of lemon meringue pie.  For dinner. 

Daughter just called sounding sad and upset about the RTC strict rules.  I just encouraged her to do everything she could there to get better.  I hope she does.

[lbjnltx]

Hi landslide,

It is hard when so much effort and help is made and made available and yet there is still resistance.  It took my d until the 3rd month to get down to business in RTC.  If you can take a broader view, what is being presented to your daughter is a different way of viewing herself, her relationships, her entire world.  That is a lot to take in! It's a lot to process, and it will take time for her to let go of the old and let in the new. 

Being in a therapeutic environment that consistently reinforces the "new" gives your d the best chance at positive change.

What is the new RtC program like? 

lbj

[landslide]

The program is a short-term,  6 to 8 week dual diagnosis RTC.  It was our one and only option as the county would pay for it,  while our private insurance has denied 2 appeals.  She just transferred there yesterday.  Now tonight she called and said whoever is taking care of her said she does not need to be there because her chemical health issues are not serious enough and said they would look for outpatient options!.  She was all happy about this and got really upset when I was concerned and disbelieving.  She told me I didn't want her and that she felt abandoned.  I don't even know what is true anymore.  Either my daughter is lying to them, hearing what she wants to hear, or once again we are confronted with terrible care and systems problems. None of the primary staff were there after hours so we have to wait until tomorrow to talk to someone.   I cuttently feel just utterly burned out and hopeless about helping my daughter.  Everything I try to do ends up failing, and she is just getting worse and madder at me every step of the way.

[saphirewidow]

Try to hold off getting worried until you can speak to staff tomorrow because sometimes our kids hear what they want to hear and it isn't reality.  Maybe a therapist mentioned that outpatient might be an option and she just clung on because she doesn't want to be there.  It is so tough because we want to help them so much but we can't change the way they think.  I'm sorry you are going through all of this.  My son just got moved a week ago to an RTC in Utah called Youth Care.  He isn't allowed to call more than once per week while he is on level one.  Lots of DBT focus in the therapy.  I have mixed feelings about the no calls, but in some ways it is nice to have my days and evenings to focus on other things.  I have neglected my other kiddos for almost this entire past year as he was in and out and in and out of our local acute mental health hospital and rtc and I haven't really been home to cook and just hang out.  I think I have been more exhausted and depressed than I fully realized.  Luckily the kid care state insurance my son is on approved this rtc (usually the minimum stay is 4 months) and I so hope it helps.  It seems all we can do is hope and pray and step back a little to try not to get sucked into the drama. 

[landslide]

Saphirewidow, you were totally right!  My husband talked to staff today, and there was no talk of immediate outpatient, but there was talk of recommending a longer RTC program after this if she doesn't make significant progress.  Part of me even wonders if she was "testing" my reaction to see if I wanted her to come home ( whether consciously or unconsciously).  I agree with you on the limited calls- she starts off with limited calls too, and while I feel sad about her feeling lonely and cut off from us, it is honestly a relief to be away from her chaos. Well be visiting her on Saturdays and have family programming on Mondays, so that will be good.  Her illness has become the center of our lives, and it is healthy to have some space.  I  glad your family is experiencing that, too.

[Brokenmother]

I think the limited phone calls can be a blessing. Especially in the beginning. My Dd hasn't had them so far and calls everyday and I get sucked back into emotional pain and fee like I need some space to grieve the fact that she is gone and figure out how to be okay.

[lbjnltx]

Limited contact, then controlled contact.  With progress... .more contact... .less monitored contact.  It is for both protection of the family and creating space for the patient to take ownership of their own stuff.

It has a purpose.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders