I left and am scared/relieved/exhausted/falling apart

[idontaskpermissi]

I'm nervous to be here. I recently left my husband whom I suspect has BPD. I'm trying to sort fact from fiction, and at the same time, just keep up with the basics of life (finding a new place to stay, caring for our child, holding down my job, caring for myself). I really don't want to talk badly about him, because I know he's suffering so much himself. And it's a relief to not be the primary one responsible for his care. I am confident that I couldn't stay with him any longer. There are some good times, and during them, I feel like I'm eventually going to be okay. I was so hopeful for so long that he could change and be healthy, and giving up that hope is really hard.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi idontaskpermission,



The first post is the hardest. I'm not at all surprised that you're nervous to be here. Well done for taking the plunge. I've been posting on this forum for 13 months now and I've found a place where I can be myself and find understanding long after my real-life friends have got bored of hearing about my BPDxbf. Here I have found support even though I have returned repeatedly to an abusive situation. I've also found fellowship during times of deep loneliness and intense pain. I have found lots of someones to reach out to in my worst moments and lots of information that has helped me to understand why my BPDxbf behaved as he did. This has helped me to stop blaming myself for things not working out.

You've taken a courageous step in leaving your husband. I'm not at all surprised to hear that you have such mixed emotions and that life feels like quite a struggle right now. Most of us have fallen apart upon the ending of our BPD relationship. You are not alone. It does get better though. BPD has a massive impact upon loved ones. Would you like to tell us some more of your story so we can respond to your specific needs?

Love Lifewriter

[Phoenix41]

Hi I dontaskpermission.

I'm smiling at your user name bc I always felt like I had to ask permission. He would say "you don't need to ask permission" but I knew better. If I didn't, and it wasn't pre-approved, it would have been a problem.

I was nervous with my first post as well. Was afraid I would say something wrong and be chastised. I think it's bc I've been swallowing words for years to keep the peace.

I know what you mean about not wanting to speak badly about your husband. For me, it was d/t conditioning ( I was quiet to sidestep rages, and also to not let anyone know how bad it was) as well as the understanding that he was really suffering.  I minimized my suffering in that process, to be where I find myself today- hurting beyond words. Tears leak out my eyes frequently. It's a little over a month only that I left. I barely left. Physically. Mentally, is another story.

Try to just speak your truth. Whoever reads it will color it with their perceptions. And sometimes those perceptions bring fresh insight to your experience, something that you can't see in the fog. Believe me-  It is a relief to share what you have been through. And have people reply with advice and support. It brings normalcy and validation of the fact vs fiction you mentioned.

Leaving him was the hardest thing I've ever done. I was his caretaker. I hope to feel soon the relief you feel over not being his primary caretaker. I feel an overwhelming guilt.

You will be ok. You sound so strong already. I'm jealous! Lol.

Read this recently about hope: Hold On Pain Ends.

Author unknown or would give credit.

Last thought: I suspect but do not know for sure as well( he was never diagnosed). But what is on these boards is what I have lived with for 15 years.

[Iona]

Yes - I have some understanding. I separated from my husband 5 weeks ago. Of course, the Jekyll/Hyde shift combined with the fact that we had children allowed our 'challenging' marriage to continue.  I, often, wondered/worried about how it would continue. I always had hope that he would seek help and thing would work out.I  needed something 'shocking' to end it. That 'shocking' thing happened in a second infidelity ( the first one 'broke my heart'' and was accompanied with a genuine - I believe - plan of how he would do everything to devote himself to me and kids). I always had 'hope' and that's what kept me going - until the infidelities - that was something new.

It is important now to look after yourself and your child. Take care of yourself.