concept of a "Favorite Person"

[.cup.car]

Been lurking some alternate communities in an effort to understand the girl I dealt with better.

Borderlines appear to have a concept called their "favorite person" - a primary attachment in their lives. While they may sleep with 75% of the population in their town, there is essentially one person they're obsessed with,  even after the relationship has gone down in flames. Hence the instances of stalking.

It is akin to the way an autistic teen will develop an unhealthy obsession with children's television shows, wanting to watch or talk about it at all hours of the day. Borderlines do this with love interests or friends.

Not everyone on here is a "favorite person", but a good chunk of you were.

If they obsessed over you for many years, it was real. If it was a three month thing, it wasn't. The more of their disorder you saw, the more genuine their love for you was.

[SoMadSoSad]

What about the cut off type?

[seenr]

That is very interesting.

My ex defied some of the traits of borderlines, defined others. She wasn’t into sleeping around and was appalled once when we were apart and another girl left a voicemail on my phone. Now she guessed my passcode and dialled into the voicemail, but that is a boundary she crossed & I wouldn’t (I’ve no idea of her passwords, she left her phone open on the table many times, I never looked at it).

I look at her history & I think that I bucked all the trends. Ex husband lasted 4 years. Previous boyfriends 2-3 and she also told me that she had a number of partners but never felt alive sexually until she met me. Now I’m not flattering myself, that could have been BS, but even 7-8 years in, she still couldn’t seem to let go. Since I’ve gone NC she seems to be erratic when I call for my Son, like she doesn’t know what to do.

But the thing is, will a person like this ever give us what we want? I still crave her looks, laughter, sitting watching TV, but not the incessant rage, anger, false accusations, jealousy and sometimes depraved things she said to me. I hate saying this, but I would accept balance now over all of this, someone that I might be less attracted to physically but who could be good for my mind. Someone who starts off as a friend, stays as a friend & the attraction grows from there ………

[woundedPhoenix]

I hate saying this, but I would accept balance now over all of this, someone that I might be less attracted to physically but who could be good for my mind. Someone who starts off as a friend, stays as a friend & the attraction grows from there ………

Why do you hate saying that? Do you hate it that you actually would prefer a healthy yet slowly developping relationship over one that starts like fireworks but grows into an atomic bomb?

I am not nitpicking your words though, i caught myself saying the exact same thing in therapy :-)

[seenr]

I think it is realising and accepting that ‘it’s over’ with the BPD ex is the hard part there. Actually meeting someone balanced etc. would be nice and I’d look forward to it, would love the company & excitement of a new relationship.

I discussed with my Counsellor last week how even saying the words ‘it’s over’ in regard to my BPDex terrorises me. She said she would like to delve into that deeper next week, but a huge part of me thinks I will never feel the highs that this woman brought, ever again. I know nobody will bring the lows either.

I spoke with a relative today via Viber and once thing I realise is that I’d love to have a daughter. My siblings all have daughters, I don’t. I’m probably wasting time even thinking about my ex when I should be focusing on the future and finding someone who I could maybe have a settled family with. But right now, thinking of someone new & letting go of the BPDex,, scare the life out of me and probably have done for 7 years.

I hate saying this, but I would accept balance now over all of this, someone that I might be less attracted to physically but who could be good for my mind. Someone who starts off as a friend, stays as a friend & the attraction grows from there ………

Why do you hate saying that? Do you hate it that you actually would prefer a healthy yet slowly developping relationship over one that starts like fireworks but grows into an atomic bomb?

I am not nitpicking your words though, i caught myself saying the exact same thing in therapy :-)