Does she change or is it just me?

[617788]

I'm really confused my girlfriend of 7 years has left me we have three children together she left two weeks ago and I'm sick to my stomach and cannot believe what she has done to me she will not speak to me and put a 30 day restraining order on me and has packed our home up and moved into an apartment with the children all because she was " unhappy " she agreed to go to counseling with me and then didn't want to go just days before she cut contact with me while I was away for work she was telling me how much she loved me and couldn't wait until I got home. Then she started speaking to her cousin and mother again both absolutely hate me because she has painted a picture of me to them that I am not but I find when she starts speaking to them she becomes a different person she talks different stands different etc... Is it just me or do people with BPD do that its like a different personality takes over she becomes fake. She has done this before but not to this extent my other question is will she eventually want to enter back into the relationship?

[seenr]

Hi there

My ex was really able to step up her flaming of me when a female close to her was around. Her Mum, her friend, her daughter.

I can't comment on your situation but I know my family sometimes expressed concern when I visited them, with regard to my relationship. It would affect my thinking as I drove back home.

Sorry to hear about your situation - sometimes backing off might be beneficial?

[617788]

I'm just so confused she was wishy washy with me and then just turned on me all of a sudden I'm sick to my stomach how could she just throw me away like a piece of garbage.

[SoMadSoSad]

I'm pretty sure my ex hanging with an old friend caused my discard.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm sorry that's happening 6, it sounds very confusing and painful.  People with traits of this disorder have inherently unstable and chaotic interpersonal relationships; you mention she was 'wishy washy'.  To help us give you input you can use, what other traits of the disorder have you seen in her?  It's also common to say negative things to other people about you, when if there was a problem she could have talked to you about it yes?  Please tell us more details of her behavior, and keep talking, it will help.

[asphyx]

I'm pretty sure my ex hanging with an old friend caused my discard.

Wow, that's literally what happened to me. She started seeing an old friend (who I'm sure also has BPD) she hadn't seen for 5 years. After spending basically every waking moment with my exBPD for 5 years, suddenly she was happy to spend days apart from me to be with this friend. She started partying with her and drinking/smoking far more than usual. I was against this behaviour and wanted her to stop, so I think her friend was in her ear telling her that I was 'boring' and not right for her. I remember her friend randomly saying "I don't want to get between you guys". Why would anyone say that? Meanwhile she was asking my exBPD to hang out with her basically every day, for 8+ hours at a time. Anyway, her friend ultimately introduced her to a new guy, who she ended up cheating on me with, and is now in a relationship with.

To the OP, she may have devalued you and is with a new guy. When my exBPD had a replacement lined up, she had messaged all her friends and family telling them that I had 'gone crazy'. I also noticed that her behaviour was different, and she was using words that she never had before (she was copying the new guy's vocabulary). Surely she will want you back if you don't chase her. My exBPD blew up my phone like crazy when I preemptively broke up with her and went no contact, begging to do anything to get me back.

[Meili]

Let's not start jumping to conclusions and borrowing trouble. That does nothing but add unnecessary hurt. And, it sounds like 6 has enough hurt to deal with right now. I'm sorry that you're hurting. We all have some understanding of how bad all of this feels. These boards are a safe place to dump those feelings if you need to do so.

Yes 6, a pwBPD can "wear a different mask" depending on the situation. But, that is true for many people.

As FH2H asked, what other BPD traits does she exhibit?

[schwing]

Hi 617788,

I'm really confused my girlfriend of 7 years has left me we have three children together she left two weeks ago and I'm sick to my stomach and cannot believe what she has done to me she will not speak to me and put a 30 day restraining order on me and has packed our home up and moved into an apartment with the children all because she was " unhappy "

People with BPD (pwBPD) have a difficult time in intimate relationships because of the disordered fear of abandonment they often feel.  The fear comes from the pain they have probably experienced from an actual abandonment.  You're feeling awful the way you do because it sounds like your girlfriend of 7 years has just abandoned you.

she agreed to go to counseling with me and then didn't want to go just days before she cut contact with me while I was away for work she was telling me how much she loved me and couldn't wait until I got home.

In the last months of my BPD relationship, it seemed like my uBPDgf kept oscillating from wanting to break-up and wanted to start all over.  In retrospect, I think what was happening was, she wasn't securely attached to my replacement at the time - so she kept recycling me until things got more secure with my replacement.  Why do they do this?  As I understand it, pwBPD become convinced that we intend to abandon them; even though that is not our intention.  They feel this way because of their disoder.  And the best way to avoid being abandoned, is to be the one who abandons.

Then she started speaking to her cousin and mother again both absolutely hate me because she has painted a picture of me to them that I am not

You understand that she painted this picture of you because that is how she *also* feels about you.  It's not that she is lying to her cousin and mother, she is telling her cousin and mother how she feels about you on those occasions she feels you are intent on abandoning her.

but I find when she starts speaking to them she becomes a different person she talks different stands different etc... Is it just me or do people with BPD do that its like a different personality takes over she becomes fake.

As I understand it, pwBPD do not have fixed personalities.  They can "become" different persons depending upon whom they are attached.  We wouldn't really see it because when they are "with" us, they are the person we are most likely to become attached to;  this is partly why pwBPD try to avoid situations where they have multiple close relationships simultaneously in the same time (or at least my uBPDgf avoided these situations).  This quality is related to "identity disturbances" or "unstable sense of self" as described in the DSM.

She has done this before but not to this extent my other question is will she eventually want to enter back into the relationship?

I don't know.  She will choose whatever she needs at the time.  If her current attachment is unstable, she might want to come back.  However if her current attachment is more stable, or as stable as she was with you, maybe she will last another 7 years with this one.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[617788]

Hello again everyone thank you for talking to me... .She has random mood swings and she had a very hard upbringing ie sexual abuse etc... .I do love this women deeply but it seems like she turned into the devil overnight going from I love and miss you to putting a restraining order on me and I've recently found out through a friend that she is now on a dating site this hurts so bad she is trying to make me look like some kind of abuser she didn't speak to any of her family apprently because she hated them now all of a sudden I'm in the dark and their her saviour in this situation the last time she did this is wasn't nearly as bad (2 years ago) she'll go through this period of changing and wanting to be free and independent and she just puts me aside like she doesn't even know me I don't know what to do she said she was confused and didn't know what she wanted and then she turned around and did this. I'm so darn hurt and confused. It all happened so quickly I was away when it all happened I came back to not being able to enter my own home she is not keeping the children from me as I have them every weekend but today is moving day for her into her new apartment she spent all of her money at the mall shopping she just went crazy.

[once removed]

hi 617788 

your story is very similar to mine, and to many members here; youre in good company. i know that none of this makes any sense right now, BPD is a very complex disorder, but the abrupt shift you are witnessing is a part of it. it can be very painful, and completely surreal, and you would do well to see a therapist in addition to getting support here, from those who have been through it and understand.

i also recommend having a read of this article to begin to get some clarity on what you are witnessing and experiencing: Surviving a Breakup With Someone Suffering With Borderline Personality Disorder

and as the others have suggested, asking questions and sharing your story. we are here for you at every step of this.

[617788]

Thank you I took the time to read the information link you gave me its so clear to me now that this is really what this is and I'm not crazy she tried to say I was a narrssit blaming everything on me and her family was only fueling her believes just 2 months ago she was begging me to have another child with her? How can that be if she's been wanting out if the relationship for the past 6 months like she said its so very confusing.

[once removed]

good question, 617788.

from where i stood, i was under the impression our relationship was on an upswing. she had just told me she had "fallen in love with me all over again". she had been lining up my replacement for some time when she said that. from the time we broke up, and she made her new relationship official, it was about one week.

from that article:

6) Clinging to the words that were said

We often cling to the positive words and promises that were voiced and ignore or minimalize the negative actions. “But she said she would love me forever” Many wonderful and expressive things may have been said during the course of the relationship, but people suffering with BPD traits are dreamers, they can be fickle, and they over-express emotions like young children – often with little thought for long term implications. You must let go of the words. It may break your heart to do so. But the fact is, the actions - all of them - are the truth.

thats a summary, but impulsivity is also a hallmark of the disorder. people with BPD feel emotions intensely, and react to those emotions intensely. what they say in the moment, therefore, may be intensely true for them, in that moment; and it may be completely contradicted in the next. this is one of the hardest things to get our mind around and heal from.

[617788]

My big question is will she try and reconcile with me? She has before but this time seems more serious I think that fact that I'm willing to reconcile is crazy and my family says its time for me to move on with my life and she and her family are unstable but I can't get the thought of reconciliation with her out if my head I would cut a finger off to be back with her even after she's done what's she done.

[once removed]

My big question is will she try and reconcile with me?

we cant tell you whether she will try and reconcile with you.

i can tell you that in the early stages, part of me was open to reconciliation. the fact is, if that had happened, nothing would have changed, and we would have gone back to our dysfunctional dance.

if you are hoping to reconcile i encourage you to make the most of the Saving and Improving boards, and learn the skills and tools. you cant know if she will try to reconcile, but if the two of you do reconcile, youll stand a much better chance in the relationship.

the link for the Saving board is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=15.0

the link for the Improving board is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0

having said that, the urge to reconcile often conflicts with the urge to detach, as it did for me. if you think that ultimately you want to detach, it can take some time for your head to catch up with your heart.

[617788]

Is it normal to want to reconcile even after the kind of relationship we had my emotions are running so high its unreal I keep having dreams about her I just feel alone and confused on how this could all happen so quick. I also feel the need to detach my heart says I want to reconcile but my head says I should just move on and not continue this horrible cycle or trust issues and hurt.

[once removed]

theres not a lot that is "normal" about detaching from these relationships, or being in them, for that matter. there is a great deal that is common, and the conflicting desires you are feeling are very common, as well as the intense emotions, and even right down to the painful dreams. this is a traumatic experience, and extremes are pretty common as a result of trauma. right now, things are especially fresh and raw, though it does get better, it can take some time; detachment is not linear, and on some days id swear i felt worse than the first. do be prepared, and there is a lot you can do as you battle these feelings, anything from getting in touch with friends and family, to seeing a doctor or therapist, to doing your best to maintain a sense of routine (or changing your routine), to posting here, reading here, and learning about BPD to help understand and depersonalize the painful behaviors youve endured. all of these will sustain you through this time.