A day full of tests.

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Hey gang,

I've made a lot of progress over the last 6 months. I don't contact my ex (I've deleted her number), she's blocked on all social media and I'm starting to date (although really I'm not enthusiastic about it). She texts me almost weekly, but I delete the messages and think nothing of it.

Today though feels like it was sent by divine intervention to test my resolve, and it's certainly rocked me. I've felt quite low for about a week, nothing too bad, I've learnt to just let myself feel it. I was moving stuff around in my flat, and unpacking some boxes and I found a toy I kept from one of my cats. Long story short, she has them now, and giving them up completely broke me. I miss them so much, and finding this toy nearly reduced me to tears. Instead I just told myself loudly to "move on" and I put it in the bin and carried on.

A couple of boxes later, a photo album I didn't recognise from a very old box - it was my exes, full of photos of her. I managed to stop myself after a few seconds, but that familiar rush of panic came back, the feelings of missing her, being reminded of how breathtakingly beautiful she is. So, I quickly put it in a box, taped it up and went in to town to post it to her mums.

I felt wobbly, but ok, like I'd managed to overcome two hurdles in quick succession that may have sent me down a bad path. I've finished my counselling, but if there was ever a day I needed to speak to my counsellor it was today. Then, out of nowhere as I'm walking through the shopping centre - my ex comes bounding over to me.

I didn't smile, at least I don't think I did. I wanted to run, physically could feel 'fight or flight' set in. But she gave me a hug and we had a brief chat. I remained very calm, although I just wanted to cry. I batted away her compliments (I've been to the gym ALOT), changed my wardrobe, and then she hit me with it. She had this cute voice she'd put on for me, and I could never resist it. Except this time, I kind of did. "Why are you doing that?", and she stopped. She was giggling, saying this was so strange, and kept saying I should come over to her new place to see my cats. I reiterated it was a bad idea, and said I missed them too much (them NOT her) and I don't want to have fleeting visits with them. Alas, we parted ways.

It has rocked me, totally. I was feeling pretty good (albeit not recently, but the bigger picture I'm doing quite well) but it's just sent me hurtling back to my head/ heart battle that I used to have so many times. My heart wants me to tell her I miss her, and I want to hear that cute voice and have my cats every night (she has a boyfriend also) and my head is screaming at me to not go anywhere near her. I'm sure my head will win, but today just had an ominous feeling about it. I'm just trying to think of it as a test, and I really hope I pass it.

[duncsvoice]

Hey gang,

I've made a lot of progress over the last 6 months. I don't contact my ex (I've deleted her number), she's blocked on all social media and I'm starting to date (although really I'm not enthusiastic about it). She texts me almost weekly, but I delete the messages and think nothing of it.

Today though feels like it was sent by divine intervention to test my resolve, and it's certainly rocked me. I've felt quite low for about a week, nothing too bad, I've learnt to just let myself feel it. I was moving stuff around in my flat, and unpacking some boxes and I found a toy I kept from one of my cats. Long story short, she has them now, and giving them up completely broke me. I miss them so much, and finding this toy nearly reduced me to tears. Instead I just told myself loudly to "move on" and I put it in the bin and carried on.

A couple of boxes later, a photo album I didn't recognise from a very old box - it was my exes, full of photos of her. I managed to stop myself after a few seconds, but that familiar rush of panic came back, the feelings of missing her, being reminded of how breathtakingly beautiful she is. So, I quickly put it in a box, taped it up and went in to town to post it to her mums.

I felt wobbly, but ok, like I'd managed to overcome two hurdles in quick succession that may have sent me down a bad path. I've finished my counselling, but if there was ever a day I needed to speak to my counsellor it was today. Then, out of nowhere as I'm walking through the shopping centre - my ex comes bounding over to me.

I didn't smile, at least I don't think I did. I wanted to run, physically could feel 'fight or flight' set in. But she gave me a hug and we had a brief chat. I remained very calm, although I just wanted to cry. I batted away her compliments (I've been to the gym ALOT), changed my wardrobe, and then she hit me with it. She had this cute voice she'd put on for me, and I could never resist it. Except this time, I kind of did. "Why are you doing that?", and she stopped. She was giggling, saying this was so strange, and kept saying I should come over to her new place to see my cats. I reiterated it was a bad idea, and said I missed them too much (them NOT her) and I don't want to have fleeting visits with them. Alas, we parted ways.

It has rocked me, totally. I was feeling pretty good (albeit not recently, but the bigger picture I'm doing quite well) but it's just sent me hurtling back to my head/ heart battle that I used to have so many times. My heart wants me to tell her I miss her, and I want to hear that cute voice and have my cats every night (she has a boyfriend also) and my head is screaming at me to not go anywhere near her. I'm sure my head will win, but today just had an ominous feeling about it. I'm just trying to think of it as a test, and I really hope I pass it.

[Mutt]

Hi duncsvoice,



What a difficult day. Reminders of your ex in your flat, you run into her, compliments from her.

I'm just trying to think of it as a test, and I really hope I pass it.

I think you passed. Give yourself a pat on the back.

[gotbushels]

I've made a lot of progress over the last 6 months.

Good to hear 

I'm starting to date (although really I'm not enthusiastic about it).

I felt this way too. I'm not jaded in the common sense but I think it helps to know that not all dates are going to be winners. If your ex was like mine--in the sense they seemed to throw themselves at you early--then that's not ideal either. 

My heart wants me to tell her I miss her, and I want to hear that cute voice and have my cats every night (she has a boyfriend also) and my head is screaming at me to not go anywhere near her. I'm sure my head will win, but today just had an ominous feeling about it. I'm just trying to think of it as a test, and I really hope I pass it.

Animals were involved in my relationship too. I felt the same way as you described here once. It takes time for the heart to catch up. Perhaps be patient as that heart has one owner for life, for sure, in healthy terms

[duncsvoice]

Thanks both, I really appreciate the responses.

I've had a very low day today, but I always seemed to work on a 4 day turnaround whenever I saw my ex post breakup, so I should be back up and running by the weekend

Definitely resisted the urge to contact her, I was moments away from opening up my emails and telling her I missed her, but thankfully I've talked myself out of it. Will give myself a pat on the back, thanks Mutt!

And Gotbushels, I think I am suffering from almost being bored with dating because I'm expecting this incredible explosion of emotions, instead I'm just having nice evenings with my dates (although there was one girl that began to get a little serious and she threw up a HUGE red flag - definitely not the excitement I wanted). In fact, one of my best friends is going through this absurdly wonderful beginning of a relationship and I can feel a palpable sense of relief it's not me! But, I think I've decided to just take the time for myself and work on the things I missed out on when I was with my ex and forgo dating for a while.

[gotbushels]

But, I think I've decided to just take the time for myself and work on the things I missed out on when I was with my ex and forgo dating for a while.

I like the sound of this plan  It will help to receive things in your own time.

In fact, one of my best friends is going through this absurdly wonderful beginning of a relationship and I can feel a palpable sense of relief it's not me!

Sometimes being with the pwBPD for some time removes our own ideas of normality in dating. It helps to spend some time as you suggested to know what is absurdly wonderful and what is healthy wonderful. I'm glad you decided on your own to take some time to process what happened