For those with children

[Sadly]

And for you Jerry

Come to me my little lad
Let me keep you safe and warm
Let me wrap my arms around you
And shelter you from harm.
Together we will play our games
And slay the dragons bold
Together we will story tell
When you are grown and I am old
And when the story can be told
Of how you came to be
You will know how much I love you
That you mean the world to me

Love from Sadly xx

[seenr]

God, that is beautiful.

[Sadly]

Thank you. I hope no one gets p*ssed off if I post my poetry. I want to help and it stops me focusing on my desperate unhappiness. X

[JerryRG]

Thank you Sadly

That is a beautiful poem, and says so much. I still cry.

I agree, we all need to focus on the good in our lives, if you can write with such power and depth of love, your heart is strong and you need not worry about getting well. You already are.

I cannot thank you enough, and keep writing and sharing, you have been given a gift, so please don't hide it from the world.

[JerryRG]

Still crying

[Sadly]

Thank you Jerry, I'm happy you like it. Was going to write you a funny one but was thinking of you and your little boy and the words just came out. Perhaps I'm not in the right place yet for funny ones. Thanks too for your kind words. I don't feel strong, quite the opposite so your words help. x

[Sadly]

So am I mate, you stop and I will, deal? x

[seenr]

I’ve gone 6 days without seeing my Boy – her idea and not mine.

I miss him so much. I cannot tell you how much guilt I feel about the situation he has been born into. I always wanted to be a dad, but not to the detriment of him. He is the most beautiful creating I’ve seen on this earth. Eyes, hair, his toes, I love being around him. His personality is of a little tough guy but he does things that impress me. He is kind, generous and cares for others.

So much of the problems we had as a couple go back to when he was conceived. Knowing what I know now, there is no way I’d have behaved like I did then. I was scared by the raging, violence, need for attention and for me being the supposed root of all evil. I read forums at the time about pregnancy, I tried my best with the tools I had available at the time. His mother will not forgive or forget, her idea since has been in order to make up for how I behaved then, I should basically be handing over every cent I have. At the time, I listened, was as patient as possible, tried to cook, clean etc and was told I was useless when I did. Knowing what I know now, I know that it wasn’t personal, was possibly/probably the mind of a disordered person and my best course of action would have been to do as little to upset my ex as possible and to ensure she felt comfortable all the time.

However, I didn’t make the choices to live in a different part of the house, to be violent, to make false accusations, to leave and stay away. I was asked to leave first and anything I did was mocked, I was ridiculed and I was afraid that her rage would make her lose him.

Since he has been born it has been a battle to see him. I’ve had to fight for time with him and each time been frustrated with how it turned out. Day 6 of not seeing him & I wonder how he is right now, is he smiling? Does she do the same things with him as I like to do? (outdoor exercise, watch him play with his toys, listen to his funny talk) or does she do the things she did while we were together? (plonk him in front of the TV, not go many places). I worry for him as he tells me she is ‘very sad’ and I wonder has she brought someone new into his life.

But when I start to think ‘poor me’ after the last 4 years with her, his little face chances that. I’m not a victim, I’m one of the luckiest people alive to have a beautiful healthy boy like that. I have 40+ years of happiness ahead with him. I just need to fill the other time when I don’t have him. He is a little rascal and he brings the sun up in my world. Even if I never meet another lady on this earth, having this boy is worth so much. It would be great to meet someone so I could model good relationship behaviour to him as I doubt very much he will see that from his Mother. But on reflection, this little chap makes me feel so happy & I cannot wait to see him.

My World.

Still crying

[Sadly]

Seenr
  

How awful , my heart goes out to you both, am sure he can't wait to see you too. Can you not get something more formalised so you can see him more often? Tell me, if you can, does she love him? A child of that age shouldn't be telling you how sad mummy is, it's all kinds of wrong.

xx

[JerryRG]

Thanks again Sadly

This helps put my life into perspective, I haven't cried for a while and this is what I needed.

Thank you  

Hang in there seenr, your boy needs you and he will always need you. Take care of you so you can care for him.

Have an awesome day

[seenr]

I think she does yes. His eyes light up when he sees her and they seem to have a good bond. When we were together he would want her instead of me, but I found that funny. The thing is though her daughter, 16, told me in March that since he was born, she feels like her mother doesn’t love her any more. They have had fist fights, hence I worry what he will see. Her behaviour can be self-destructive.

I’ve debated if he is picking up on how she is feeling or what she is saying to him. A friend told me there is no way it could be what she is saying. So it seems like he sees her cry etc. She made the final call to split, so I can’t be sad for her, but I do think parents have a duty to not be sad around infants and if they are, be able to explain to them how to deal with emotions. But at 3, I’d prefer if he was not seeing that.

I am hoping to get something more formal soon and if/when that happens we should be more equal in having a say. One parent should not be allowed to make up the rules as they go.

[Sadly]

Welcome Jerry, luck to you and have a strong day.   x

[Sadly]

Seenr
I really do feel for you, and her daughter too. I cannot imagine she would hide her actions from him which is harsh but she doesn't seem to have a great deal of control.  Do you have a good relationship with her daughter? That might help, at 16 she is old enough to understand, sad she doesn't feel her mothers love anymore. What a muddle. Still, you are doing the right things and hopefully formal access will make things easier for you all. Let us know how it goes and about your day you next spend with your boy, I bet you will make it fun   X