living with a BPD for 9 years, not all bad, current rages destroying my soul

[kalina]

I have been living with a BPD for 9 years.  All was great at first, then the rages began.  They could be short and soon over, or last for days with verbal abuse, silent treatment, etc.  When over, apologies are issued and all seems fine.  He has been diagnosed with depression, yet doesn't realize the depression is combined with the BPD and blames all bad behavior on depression.  2 months ago he began medication and for 5 glorious weeks, we had a normal relationship; communicating in a reasonable manner, laughing, working well together on projects, anger under control and easy to discuss issues. 

Suddenly we are back to the BPD unpredictability.  One minute I am adored and told I am the most wonderful person he has ever had in his life, then suddenly I am the incarnate evil who doesn't understand him.  I am selfish and don't care.  He demands I order books on active listening, dealing with depression, etc.  I haven't ordered the active listening book as that is the current raging issue that I am supposed to deal with.  He says I am unable to listen to him or help him so I need to get this book. 

I have read books on depression and living with someone who is depressed.  It has helped, yet makes me weary.  I do my best to follow the book's advice.  Yet it doesn't always apply to each situation.  Advice is to not take things personally, it's the disease, not the person.  Yet how can you not take these personal: stinging insults, screams that you are a horrible, selfish person who doesn't care and are incapable of listening and meeting their needs?  How can you be positive and supportive when it is all you can do to not succumb to the insults and just want to escape from it all.  It is painful to my soul.  I am not perfect, yet I have tried to do all I can for this relationship.  Yes, I shut down sometimes because the verbal and emotional abuse is more than my spirit can bear.  I am at a loss.  Could not go to work today because of the culmination of a two day rage where this morning started off with being yelled at and berated while getting out of the shower.  I sat on the floor in a fetal position sobbing.  He just left for work.  I called in sick. 

I have good relationships with my family: adult children and siblings.  Have never had these issues with them where I am told I am uncaring, un-nurturing and cold hearted.   I am successful at my job, am friends with my fellow employees.  So why do I suck so bad at a personal relationship? 

It is too painful to deal with.  No one knows of this part of my life except my therapist, who I have been seeing for several years, but now my new insurance won't accept her as a provider.  I cannot share this with my family and friends, it is too intimate and embarrassing.  And my partner isn't all bad.  I don't want others to know the deep dark secret and judge him for that.  He has good qualities, it's just the evil twin is raging right now and I don't know if I can survive this newest onslaught. 

My asthma is in full swing and I feel weak and shaky, numb and terrified of what will happen when he gets home tonight.  I can't just leave as we have special needs animals that are first priority. 

Thank you for listening.  At least typing this out is somewhat cathartic.

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[schwing]

Hi Kalina,

One minute I am adored and told I am the most wonderful person he has ever had in his life, then suddenly I am the incarnate evil who doesn't understand him.  I am selfish and don't care. 

In my observation, people with BPD (pwBPD) devalue you (i.e. see you as all bad) soon after they idealize you (i.e., see you as all good).  So in my opinion you avoid being perceived as "good" in order to avoid being perceived as "bad."  Sometimes this cannot be avoided.  I find that another trigger is how close they feel towards you; if they feel very close to you then this will eventually trigger their fear that you will abandon them which leads them to devalue you.

He demands I order books on active listening, dealing with depression, etc.  I haven't ordered the active listening book as that is the current raging issue that I am supposed to deal with.  He says I am unable to listen to him or help him so I need to get this book. 

Like all the other things he may have complained about over the years, I'm guessing that this will also be forgotten.  Another behavior I've noticed in the BPD loved ones in my life is that they often project onto us.  So for example, if your BPD loved one feels like he has been a bad listener, it is a coping mechanism to project that quality onto you.  So his feeling like he is not a good listener becomes you are not a good listener and you should fix it by reading about it et al.

I have read books on depression and living with someone who is depressed.  It has helped, yet makes me weary.  I do my best to follow the book's advice.  Yet it doesn't always apply to each situation. 

You might try reading books about people with borderline personality disorder (and not just about depression).  A good book to start might be "Stop Walking on Egg Shells" by Randi Kreger.  I think depression is only a small subset of what pwBPD deal with.

Advice is to not take things personally, it's the disease, not the person.  Yet how can you not take these personal: stinging insults, screams that you are a horrible, selfish person who doesn't care and are incapable of listening and meeting their needs?  How can you be positive and supportive when it is all you can do to not succumb to the insults and just want to escape from it all. 

You cannot not take it personally.  But I've found that by improving your understanding of the dynamics of this disorder, it makes it a little easier to de-personalize their behaviors.  It's just difficult sometimes to accept that our loved ones can have such a distorted perspective of us when their perspective is not so distorted in other aspects of their lives.

You are in the right place.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY KALINA  

Here is a double hug       Sounds like you can use it.  I'm so sorry about what you are going through.  :)id your husband get his meds from a primary care doctor, or from a psychiatrist?  It he in therapy?  Might he be receptive to couples counseling?

2 months ago he began medication and for 5 glorious weeks, we had a normal relationship; communicating in a reasonable manner, laughing, working well together on projects, anger under control and easy to discuss issues.  Suddenly we are back to the BPD unpredictability.  

It is common for doctors to start out with a low dose and then raise the dose to get to a target dosage.  Is it possible that he quit taking the meds? Sometime, people are sneaky about stopping their meds.   Abruptly stopping the meds would likely turn him into a tail spin.  Many of the meds have side effects, especially in the first few weeks.  Many of those side effects will eventually subside or disappear.

Have you read any books on BPD?  I found the "Stop Walking on Egg Shells" book helpful.

My uBPD sister would take issue with "listening".  She wouldn't hear things I said and would argue about it, then she would say she said things that she didn't.  Sometimes, she would assume I would take a certain position on something, before I even had a chance to talk.  She would go on a rant and would basically be arguing with herself.  Once she started talking, it was difficult to get a work in.

What are you doing to take care of yourself?  Are you doing any mindfulness exercises, or perhaps meditation or deep breathing exercises?  Are you able to get some exercise?  Are there any skills that you learned in therapy perhaps?

I'll share a great visual meditation that I found recently on YouTube.  It is a wonderful little 12-minute vacation for your mind that will help relieve your anxiety:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0Lo5tUXkVI

If you haven't read about SPLITTING , you might click on the link to check it out.  He could have you painted black, at the moment.

You may have already done some work on some of the topics I'm suggesting to you, but it can be helpful to review some things.  A little studying about FOG and Boundaries is a good place to start.

Here are links to info. about Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG):
https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0;all

Here are links to info. about boundaries:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0;all

[kalina]

Thank you. Schwing, for your response.  I am currently reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells".   And have read much about BPD.  I overall understand the disorder, yet when in the midst of being yelled at and demoralized, I find it virtually impossible to simply ignore the verbal onslaught and excuse it as "he can't help it because he has a disorder".   This is my issue, I know, I am simply emotionally exhausted.   

Thank you again for your help.  

[kalina]

Thank you Naughty Nibbler for your response.  He received his meds from a Mental Health professional who came highly recommended by my therapist.  I believe he is still taking all his meds, I see him doing so at night before he goes to bed. 

I have read books on depression and living with someone with depression, partly for myself, partly because he asked me to.  They have helped in some ways.  I am overall a positive person.  I hate conflict, tho, and do my best to be nice and try to be diplomatic in most interactions professionally and personally. 

Sorry if I am rambling.  Still feeling hopeless and physically shaky and ill.  Will not be able to access this site much once he is home unless I get on late at night. 

And again, there are many very good things in our relationship, just lately this darkness has covered them all and I simply want to see the light again.  Thank you all for your support and safe haven to share my story in. 

[Naughty Nibbler]

He received his meds from a Mental Health professional who came highly recommended by my therapist.  I believe he is still taking all his meds, I see him doing so at night before he goes to bed.

He should get in touch with the psychiatrist and advise him/her about the situation with the meds.  If I'm understanding it correctly, your husband doesn't get counseling?  If he isn't getting counseling, might be a good idea for him to go.  Pills can't fix everything.  The most successful treatment is with both meds and Therapy.

Have you read the book "The Happiness Trap", by Russ Harris?  It is based on ACT Therapy.  Perhaps you could both read it together?

I hate conflict, tho, and do my best to be nice and try to be diplomatic in most interactions professionally and personally.

Did someone criticize you a lot in the past, perhaps a parent?

[coborder]

Dear Kalina,

I understand really well what you are going through. It is amazing how the situations are "copy/paste" when you live with a bordeline partner.

It is a good thing for you to share your experience, here on this forum. But it would be even better if you felt free to talk about it to a friend of yours, or to a member of your family. Therapist is good, but he won't cheer you up, or support you with love.

Of course, I understand you don't want anyone to see your partner as a monster… and you as crazy enough to bear it!

When things started to go real bad in my relationship, I did the exact opposite : I told everyone, parents (his and mine), friends, therapist. I was looking for support and hoping someone could give me the magic tool to stop the damage!

Well, telling everyone is not the best thing to do neither! His family reacted in denial and turned against me. And the ones who love me were very upset for me, so they could not think of anything but "Leave!" (my baby girl was 3 months old!).

So now, I only tell my mother and a very close friend about what happens. And only in case of serious crisis. Freedom of speech is essential. I also started my own blog… and it helps!

Next time my partner will be mad at me, I will try to think of you, and to all the other people going through the same storm and I will remember that I am not alone.

You are not alone! And you have the right to be heard, hugged and supported.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Get some rest, away from him, at least for a few days, with a friend of yours or a relative.

[dacoming]

I am not perfect, yet I have tried to do all I can for this relationship.  Yes, I shut down sometimes because the verbal and emotional abuse is more than my spirit can bear.  I am at a loss.  Could not go to work today because of the culmination of a two day rage where this morning started off with being yelled at and berated while getting out of the shower.  I sat on the floor in a fetal position sobbing.  He just left for work.  I called in sick. 

I shut down all the time and feel exactly as you do with my wife.  It's a bad feeling.  I swear I have not been right once in 20 years of marriage.  Work is what keeps me sane; it's my escape.  My wife does not work so I'd go crazy if I didn't have my job.  When she rages, she goes on and on and on... .and on some more.  I don't even want to play the lottery because with my luck I'd win and she'd expect me to quit my job and stay home with her 24/7.  I'd rather someone in my family win it and give me enough to pay off my debt.  I'd be satisfied.

[kalina]

Thank you all again for your responses and sharing your stories with me. I find comfort in knowing I am not alone and crazy and that others are dealing with similar situations and surviving. 

Currently things are better.  We had a long talk and I explained that his rages were killing my spirit, that I wasn't sure how much more I could take.  And I can't be missing work because of our personal issues.  (I do have asthma and part of the reason I couldn't go to work was due to my asthma flaring up from the stress, so I just told my boss it was my asthma. )

He apologized and said he didn't realize how hard this was on me.   He is going to talk to his therapist about the meds and I will encourage him to go to counseling.  He was seeing a counselor, however the counselor moved several months ago.   

Naughty Nibbler:  I am not sure why I hate conflict so much, really I had a good childhood with supportive parents and siblings.  We are all still a close family even as adults.   I just have a sensitive soul and don't like negativity and mean-spiritedness.