How to cope with the love of your life being in love with someone else

[SoMadSoSad]

I still haven't accepted the fact even though the evidence is obvious that they're in love. I know I shouldn't be worrying about her but I cant seem to shake my mind of her. Even when keeping busy I can sense the memories of her in the back of my mind. I tried doing new things and taking care of myself but the addiction wont pass. Its been 7 months since breakup and they have been together. I am extremely doubtful that she has BPD now because after 7 months our relationship hit some bumps in the road but they still look how we did in the beginning of the relationship. I cant help but take the blame for the ending of the relationship now because it is the only thing that makes sense.

[JerryRG]

Hello SoMadSoSad

I'm sorry you are still dealing with so many painful memories and feelings.

I think about these things too, and I've been told to focus on my son and myself too, isn't easy to do though.

Relationships with pwBPD are not easy to get over because of all that went on and the irrational behaviours, I will never understand my exgfs choices.

I know my exgf is BPD, and yet I question if I were the blame for our problems, in my case I belive it's my way to control and try to piece something together that makes no sense.

It feels horrible not understanding pwBPD, they change and we never know who's going to show up.

My exgf found a new bf but from what I've seen he's a mouse, he follows her around like a whipped puppy, she leads him around like he's on a leash. He's desperate for a relationship and I know he's codependent and alcoholic, his pastor told me. They do not get along, her bf just takes the abuse and for whatever reason won't stand up for himself. She put him in jail and he's still hanging around.

Completely unhealthy relationship, not my problem, it will last as long as she wishes it to last then she will crush him.

I can't speak for you or your ex, just try to remember the good and the bad and keep that in proper balance. I have always been forgiving and try to forget the horrible things my exgf did, I dig up the truth and see her for who she really is, a cold, cruel, beast of anger and sarcasms, she's an angry child set upon a quest to build relationships then destroy them. Truly sick

Keep healing SoMadSoSad

Life does get better, helping others in even the smallest way like these forums gives me hope.

My son's trying to help and grabbing my phone, typos

One more thing that helps me, write a gratitude list, things that help you see your value and the things your ex did to make you feel less deserving. I just think how lucky I am that I'm not in jail or worse, living in the prison of her pd. She was destroying me and she will destroy the next guy and the next. It will never end

[Frank88]

How do you know she's happy? Pictures? Reports about single events where you've heard they are happy? BPD does not just go away. Seven months can still have them in honeymoon phase. You're not there at night at the end of the day when they are tired and stressed are you? I wouldn't count on her being happy, or more like it, him being happy. If it succeeds, then great, she's out of your life. Chances are he's going to get a dose of reality. You just won't see it. You'll probably hear about later, but by that time hopefully you are detached enough to not re-engage.

[hope2727]

So sorry you are enduring this. I totally understand. Please be kind to yourself. Please bear in mind that what you see in public is not what goes on in private.

Meanwhile as much as you love her make a list of the negatives. Carry it in your wallet. Read it aloud every chance you get. Here is part of mine to get you started.

_he cheated
- he lied repeatedly
- he broke promise after promise
- he broke up by text message
- he came back then broke up again
- he triangulated me with other women, people, even things
- he proposed then took it back
- he raged for hours on end incoherently
- he road raged at others
- he didn't contribute financially
- he ran a smear campaign of lies


Mine has been with his new squeeze about 2 years now. They appear happy too. I assure you the pattern will repeat. She will be in for a cold hard lesson just as we were. You are not alone. I love mine still, but I love myself more. I may love him unconditionally but I sure as heck won't tolerate his BS unconditionally.

You will get through this. I was right where you are. As time passes the keenness of the pain eases. I promise. There is light, love and joy ahead. It will just take some more time. You are doing great. Keep going.
     

[SoMadSoSad]

I don't think I was with her long enough to build a list of things that would keep me away from her. I just want her back so bad. I'm trying to force myself to look at her happy pics and tell myself she's moved on with a new life and is happy but I can't accept that for some reason. I guess I was tricked to thinking I was special to her and I don't know how to let go of that because she is definitely special to me. When we first broke up friends and family would tell me she would never find someone to put up with her like I did but here she is with my replacement for almost a year now. I'm so defeate

[Herodias]

Unfortunately there are others who will put up with them... .Just remember it is not love... .it is attachment. They are not happy and never will be. They may have happy moments, but inside it is not real love and it is not real happiness... .You can't tell me mine is happy pretending to be a cowboy with a baby. He doesn't like country music, crying, southern accents or responsibility! I am telling you, if you know yours well enough, you will know the signs. I knew mine for almost 10 years. He likes the attention he is getting from a baby and he likes that he can manipulate her and he can't do that to me any more. Think about what you are saying here... .Mine has been with this one for about a year an a half... .I know, You want to believe it won't last, how could someone put up with that? We did! You never know how much a person will take. It has nothing to do with them changing. They may pretend to be what the other person wants, but in the end the real person comes out. I know for a fact my exes personality is coming out about now. I am glad its her and not me- you will get there.

[Moselle]

SoMadSoSad,

Sorry to hear of your pain and anguish. I'm sure she loved you. Mine was capable of extremely tender love too. The sadness about the disease is that there is an equal and opposite wild, irrational, beastly part which is just as real as the lovely tender person. This is the part of them which causes the breakup, It feels threatened by intimacy and ironically causes the abandonment it so desperately fears.

Perhaps you were not in the relationship long enough to see the beastly part. It is a gift that you were spared. It is scary to witness a person we once loved so completely, acting out in demonic ways. By the end, mine only showed this side. The kind, gentle person was long gone.

The replacement may nor may not be there for its manifestation, but make no mistake it will appear behind closed doors away from public and your scrutiny. The replacement will play the game for a while as we did, but these relationships are not love, they are intensity. I am truly grateful that I have been replaced. I am no longer attached to her.

[Ahoy]

I want to further what Moselle brought up that BPD love is not sustainable. Yes it is intense, but like anything intense, it can't last forever.

I had a long honeymoon period, I think I made it to around 2-2.5 years before devaluation kicked in, by then we were married and planning our future.

I think I understand you reasons for looking over her photo's but being 100% honest, is this really helping you detach? or are you just beating yourself while you are already down on the ground?

I facebook stalked, then I realised it was pointless, all it did was keep me up at night agonising over the images I saw.

Regardless of what she does or doesn't have, YOU realised something wasn't working 7 months ago and made conscious decision to separate.

My opinion about the BPD? trust your gut. People don't stumble on this website for no reason. You obviously saw behaviour signs from your ex that lined up with what you read on the articles. You made an account, you posted. Once again, trust your instincts, you are clearly still stuck in FOG.

My advice (take it or leave it!) She is with someone else, you can't change this. Don't look at her, don't read up on her, don't ask how she is going from mutual friends. Give yourself a bit of space and see if your head clears up a little.

Take care mate =)

[Hopefulgirl]

SoMadSoSad,
I know what you are feeling seems like it will never go away. The new "love" of my exBPD guy used to post things on fb about how in love they were, would literally make me ill. So for a long time I thought that the love of my life considered me unlovable. But about 5 months later he told me that he cared about her but never "in love" with her. He was "into" the fact that she was so into him and he needed to be needed. I actually felt bad for her. Im just saying, you dont know what goes on behind closed doors

[ScotisGone74]

Love has a funny way of keeping score.    It takes a significant amount of time to separate your heart, your mind , the events that occurred , and the facts.  T hey may have said they loved us, given us all kinds of sex, pretended to worship the ground we walked on, but all that is not Love
When you finally let go and begin searching for what is truly healthy in your life true growth is what you will break through to.   

[SoMadSoSad]

I want to believe she didn't love me but it doesn't make sense because she did a lot of things to show her love. From getting mad/reminding me when I didnt wear my seatbelt, to making me eat healthy fixing me healthy meals,  cleaning for the both of us, buying me new clothes. Encouraging me to get the new job I have now. Encouraging me to do better and he better, being patient with me during times when I was stressed, trying to break up with me so I wouldn't have to put up with the drama in her life which is a very self aware and selfless act especially because they fear abandonment. One time when she really made me feel warm inside is when she was mad at me so I left her alone the whole day. She has my car and I didn t have a ride home from work so instead of calling her I just walked. She found out I was walking and drove to find me. At first she was mad at me for walking like a mother to her son. She then said that even if she is mad at me I should still talk to her. She put up with being tired all the time bc I work two jobs and put up with me being distant at times. I feel like we had a special connection outside of trauma bonding and mirroring. I can't look back and find any evidence of mirroring. She.never made me feel bad about myself, never hit me, never cheated, ... .Ido I'm just rambling now but you guys get the point.

[JerryRG]

I like what Blue said

remember it is not love... .it is attachment

This explains to me why my exgf fell instantly "in love" with me and how jealous and possessive she was from our first night together. We stopped at a drive through and actually got upset for me talking to the attendant at the window. And that look into my eyes that first night, I've never seen that before.

Deep penatrateing stare into my eyes that literally reached into my soul and changed me forever. Very creepy now that I remember it. Her eyes glued on mine as I walked around the room. I've read about this but forget the name, it was a predictor type thing.

May have to start a new post about it

[SoMadSoSad]

Sorry guys I'm just not equipped to handle this kind of pain... .I have it my best shot though  thanks for the help all.

[Confused99]

Keep working on it.   Mine posts how happy she is.  Met some rich dude.  Parties every weekend with him and her friends on yachts etc.   it kills me.  I try to remember she is a user.  But she looks happy.  I feel your pain.  I wonder has she changed?   Was it me?

[SoMadSoSad]

Keep working on it.   Mine posts how happy she is.  Met some rich dude.  Parties every weekend with him and her friends on yachts etc.   it kills me.  I try to remember she is a user.  But she looks happy.  I feel your pain.  I wonder has she changed?   Was it me?

Thats the thing, the guy she is with now looks like a normal guy. They look perfect together and the relationship doesnt seem as intense as ours was. Its like she is taking it slow with this guy to make sure it lasts. Ive also noticed she is doing more of the giving in the relationship so if anything it would be him who is using her but the guy is nice so i doubt that is the case. I can't see them breaking up because he seems to be a perfect match for her but if they do breakup it would assure me she has BPD. I feel like i was a filler relationship till she met him.

[Confused99]

I guess what you and I need to remember is who cares what she is doing.  We need to be happy.  I been rebounding with her over and over.  This time I stopped and went NC and I feel I gave her the opening to find him.  But I'm certain her pattern will repeat.  BPD people don't change without serious help.  Once the honeymoon period ends these guys will see what you and I know

[SoMadSoSad]

Yea i guess thats my problem. Once I love someone I cant just stop caring about them.

[pjstock42]

I guess what you and I need to remember is who cares what she is doing.  We need to be happy.  I been rebounding with her over and over.  This time I stopped and went NC and I feel I gave her the opening to find him.  But I'm certain her pattern will repeat.  BPD people don't change without serious help.  Once the honeymoon period ends these guys will see what you and I know

This is what I have been struggling to make myself believe as well. I still care for this person immensely even though she is now no longer a part of my life in any way at all. I am incredibly envious of the next guy she latches onto because that first 6/8/12 months will give him the best girlfriend that anyone could ever imagine. I also pity this next guy because once the honeymoon phase is over and he is fully attached to her, the discard will be inevitable and he will be put through what I am going through now which I don't think anyone deserves to experience.

[SoMadSoSad]

Thats the thing, I'm not sure she will be the same with this guy, especially when all of her friends and family are his friends and family and they all do a good job of validating her.

[pjstock42]

That's tough and I think it's natural to always have that lingering self doubt, I'm not far into this process but I experience that every day.

One thing that's constantly weighing on me and I'm sure you can relate, is remember all of the good times. Thinking about how perfect things seemed to be and how the future seemed to almost be a forgone conclusion keeps my mins spinning in circles 24/7 it seems. Since I can't control what thoughts enter my head, I've been trying to control how they affect me and it's not easy but I'll give you one example.

Something that bothers me is seeing constant reminders of her, maybe it's an item that I got with her at a store during the good times, maybe a receipt that I stumble on that I received during the good times or even something as benign as going through old work emails and noticing the dates being back when things seemed so perfect. My natural inclination is to think, "don't you wish you could go back to that time when you were so happy?". This wore on me for a while because my answer was always "yes" because there is that huge part of me that misses her so much and wants to go back to the way things were. However; I've now started to think of it like this: Yes, I those times were good and it's natural to want to have those times again but conversely, do I really want to go back to a time BEFORE the trauma and pain that I have recently experienced had taken place? Nothing I could have done would have prevented this, it's almost as if it was preordained since day 1 and in the end, I've decided that no, I wouldn't trade re-living those good moments for having to experience the shock and utter destruction of her grand finale discard. Even though I am still recovering from the trauma of the discard and will be for quite some time, that is something that I never want to experience again even if it was proceeded by times of that intense emotional high and feelings of security/togetherness.

I hope this makes sense and that I'm not just rambling here.

[Icanteven]

if they do breakup it would assure me she has BPD.

Ok, I've gotta raise my hand at this point and ask why you think your ex has BPD?  I went back and read your first 50 posts and I see you start out saying you think she does but I don't see you saying why.  And, "if your ex breaks up with her next boyfriend she has BPD" isn't in the DSM.

I've seen my wife dissociate.  I've seen the results of her cutting.  I've had her therapist talk to me about her suicide ideation.  I've had her psychiatrist explain to me what the term "annihilation fantasy" means.  She's been in DBT.  Her early adulthood history of impulsive behavior (spending, sex, substance abuse, food, driving; it's literally as if they just looked at her behavior and cataloged it) is legendary among her girlfriends.  I could tick off almost every single box on the DSM as being discussed with me by a licensed mental health professional, so even though she doesn't have the official diagnosis of BPD, she sure as hell has almost all of the criteria, even if they're housed under a diagnosis she HAS been formally diagnosed with.

So... .the way she left was awful and despicable for sure; what makes you think she has a personality disorder as opposed to just being immature and lacking empathy?

[SoMadSoSad]

I think she had BPD because she can be the nicest person i know then be blind rage. Any attempts trying to point out flaws in her thinking were met with her turning her back and "running away". Very invalidating childhood. I remember I had to slap a bottle of advil out her hand because she kept putting them all in her mouth and would have me chase her around like it was a game. I've seen her empty moments when the rage would be directed within. Why else would she drive my car into a fence claiming she passed out due to "panic attack". She had some insight into her mental state as she was dx with bipolar at younger age. I mean this a girl who would cut off family members. She has a list of numbers she has blocked which i now see waa a big red flag i missed. But the thing that really made me look up BPD was that she could end a relationship by not even communicating it. And then when i try to ask what happned passed a blocked number and social media account, she starts telling me all the negative things about me in the relationship. Taking no blame for herself she called me disrespectful and immature. Funny thing is I believe thats what the ones close to her say about her.

Edited: The reason I say if she breaks up with him then i know she is BPD is because then I would have a clear view of "history of volatile relationships" as I do not know the story of the exes before me.