MONTHS of NC. Got this today. Thoughts.

[Confused99]

Been a few months of NC.   I have done really good and finally feel great with my life.  Last night she needed a paper from me.   She said can you leave it?  Hope all
Is well!   I wrote back "it will be in mailbox".   That's it.   Today she called and I didn't answer.  Then texted me this.   

"Can you please Call, it's important. Want to make you aware of something. Thank you"

Thoughts?  Has anyone experienced this type of thing?  She knows I'll be intrigued

Thanks

[rfriesen]

Thoughts?  Has anyone experienced this type of thing?  She knows I'll be intrigued

Sounds like you already have a good idea of her motivations. I know I would be intrigued too. Yes, my ex still occasionally reaches out cryptically to me, knowing I'll be intrigued by what she says, knowing that I'll wonder what's going on in her life and what she would have to say if I reached out as well. For what it's worth, I have stayed in low contact with my ex (now coming up for five months from the final break-up), but I keep boundaries carefully intact with these kinds of hooks. Personally, I might let my ex know she can tell me by email. I might even answer her call and let her tell me.

But what's right for you will depend on what kind of boundaries you want to maintain right now and what you might hope to gain from speaking with her. You say you've been doing really well and finally feel great with your life. Now your ex reaches out in a way that she knows will intrigue you. Sounds like she wants to draw you back into some form of emotional attachment or interest. Do you want that? If you don't, will you be able to remain detached if you do hear from her, whether by email or phone? What would you be hoping for if you speak with her?

[Lucky Jim]

You say you've been doing really well and finally feel great with your life. Now your ex reaches out in a way that she knows will intrigue you. Sounds like she wants to draw you back into some form of emotional attachment or interest. Do you want that? If you don't, will you be able to remain detached if you do hear from her, whether by email or phone? What would you be hoping for if you speak with her?

Hey confused, like how rfriesen put it.  Suggest you proceed cautiously here, because those w/BPD are known to create drama in order to draw you back into the ring.  There's nothing urgent here that requires an immediate response, in my view.

LuckyJim

[NewTring]

mine did crap like this too.  They don't reveal themselves. say things like "let's talk".  vague statements without commitment.  My guess is they don't want to put their neck out and say, "I miss you."  Rather they want to see how you feel and proceed from their.  So you're the one who ends up putting your neck out. 

I think first, you'd have to have control of your emotions before contacting your ex.  And if you do, ask them "What is your intention?"

But once they sense some sort of pullback from your side, they'll pull back.  that's what mine did.

[JQ]

Hi Confused,

As you can tell from many of the responses here, this is normal behavior of someone with BPD. Not knowing what the "paper" is & the urgency of it's return I would agree with Lucky Jim to proceed with extreme caution & unless you deem it necessary it doesn't require an immediate response, but YOU have to determine that.

Remember from your research & reading, that pwPBD have real issues dealing with relationships & have impulse control issues. It might appear on the surface that she is starting to paint you white again, as someone says, putting their neck out there to judge your response. After you became close she pushed you away to the point of NC or LC and you had to heal from that after months and months it appears that you're on the right path of self healing and moving forward in your life. You've learned to keep your boundaries intact and you are the one to determine if you allow her to breach those boundaries.

IMHO, this seems to be an attempt to pull you back into the relationship at some level, hence the Push/Pull of BPD r/s. To what extent is anyone's guess and that's exactly what it would be even for those with a lot of initials after their name. She knows you are intrigue into her text, this is learned survival skills that she's honed over the years. I don't believe the cat & mouse game is intentional, it's just a fact of having been in or being in a r/s with someone who has a Very Serious Cluster B Mental Illness.

From your research & your reading you should have learned that currently there is no cure for BPD & the best anyone can hope for if they intend to be in a r/s with a pwBPD is a "management" of their behavior if you're lucky. Everyone has their definition of what "Success" is.  I will tell you that my 2nd exBPDgf has been in & out of therapy with several Ph.d's, Clinical Physiologist, Clinical Therapist & Counselors for almost 30 years. She is very much self aware of her behavior & knows that her behavior is responsible for two failed marriages and more than 2 dozen failed relationships from her count the last time I talked to her. Yet she continues the behavior responsible for it all.

I don't say it's intentional because why would anyone subject themselves to a lifetime of suicide idealization, chaos, failed r/s one after the other, including failed family r/s, parents, children, siblings & other behavioral problems.

Let me repeat this, BPD is a VERY Serious Cluster B Mental illness that is currently beyond medical science to truly cure & the best you can hope for is limited "management of the behavior".

So ask yourself this question, regardless of her intent or anything she might say or do are you willing to go back or truly engage someone who brought you to these forums & especially this board, "etaching From Wounds of a Failed BPD Relationship"?  

If she needs to make you aware of something, in all the texting I had with my exBPDgf, she could of texted me the "something" and I'll decide to engage or not to engage her via other methods of communication, text, a phone call, an email or smoke signals.

As Lucky Jim has pointed out, "Proceed Cautiously Here".

IMHO ... .

J

[hurting300]

Or you could see what she wants? If it's nothing then tell her you're not interested.

[JerryRG]

My exgf does this routinely, few weeks ago she said we needed to get together to discuss our sons medical issues, and how scary they were.

Our son has no serious heath issues so it was an attempt to bait me into meeting her. She may believe what she thinks, the fact is she's just attempting contact and attention.

That's my experience, I know one time I spoke to a guy who's a therapist and he said to out smart my exgf, do the same things to her that she does to me. Not sure I agree but it could be fun to turn the tables on my exgf, maybe tell her I won the lottery or I'm going overseas to study, just see how she reacts for once.

Just a twisted thought, she's messed with my head 1000 times

[Confused99]

Thanks for all the feedback.  Being together 7 years I know this game.  But each time you want to believe it will be different.  After the divorce she wanted back because her bf had run his course and the honeymoon was over.  We have recycled at least 5 times.  Not to mention the fights that went in for days.  The screaming.  The cops.  The cheating.  Lying.  I always felt I could change her.  That she could be my partner.  I will not respond now.  I met an amazing girl whom I fell in love with.  She is so good to me.  We got so close.  But these texts and calls always make me wonder.  It's so powerful.  I just need to let go

[insideoutside]

After two weeks of ST from my friend back last year, he reinstated his facebook (no profile picture) to send me a message to say he had lost his phone which is why he hasn't been in contact (yeah right) and could I text him my number as he had something really important he needed to speak to me about. Of course as we weren't friends on FB I didn't see it immediately so it was followed by two  more messages saying please text me tonight, its really important.

When I eventually text him back it was about his girlfriend apparently seeing messages between us on his phone (remember, he said he lost it so how did she see the messages) and he needed me to say I was somebody from drama school he knew from years ago if she called me.  Triangulation much?  As soon as I was back in touch via text he deactivated his FB again.

So yeah, I've experienced something similar.

[Moselle]

Confused,

This stuff is pretty common. Some try to re-engage, for their own reasons (your guess is as good as mine - guilt, shame, genuine care, interest in a re-cycle). Its best to keep them at an arms length and be civil. Keep communication short and do not show any indication of re-engaging. It will only open up a flurry of drama, dysregulation and potential abuse.

[Wood stock]

Confused99: I am stealing someone else's line that I once read on here awhile back... .it helped me immensely. When the BPD partner reaches out, it is important that you treat it as an alcoholic would view that "first drink." Once you take one sip... .dangerous territory. Might be like starting completely over. And after all, how do the recycles in the relationship start? With that "first sip."

Wishing you strength and courage. Be careful.  

[Confused99]

Good point.  And last night I got the dreaded "do you want to meet for a drink"? Text.  Def triggered weird emotions