Should I send the "I love you" text?

[Gorges]

I was thinking about doing this and read through another thread with that suggestion.  I am new to the "being estranged from your child" category.  It feels a bit weird to be here, but here I am.   Anyway, 4 days ago I asked my daughter to move out of our house since she broke the contract for no verbal abuse.  I offered to take her to an aunt's house or a grandparent's house and she said she had it covered and would stay with a friend.   

I was at peace that I did this because I think she needed a bit of a shove to grow and up and take responsibility.  I also learned shortly after she left that she had tried cocaine and acid several days before and my son spent time with her while she was high because he was worried about her.  I did not want my son to live with that situation.  She also was yelling and screaming while my son was being tutored in math and I didn't want him to live with this roller coaster unpredictability.

Anyway, the good news is that my husband is in contact with her.  He oversaw her coming back in the house for 2 hours (while my son and I were away) to pack up stuff for a week.  I am allowing her to come back to pack her stuff the day she leaves for college (which is only 2 miles away).   She is staying on the couch of a friend who she met this summer.  It is a rented house with cross country runners who go to the local college so it is not like it is a drug den (that I know of). 

My husband was initially very quite and depressed looking for a few days.  Yesterday he seemed to perk up again.   I just left him alone and didn't talk to him about the situation and didn't ask if he had heard from my daughter.  He didn't like my decision to ask her to leave but was not going to fight me on it.  He also said he would not help me with physically kicking her out and luckily it did not get to that point.   My mother talked to him and found out that when my D asked for money for food he did not give it to her but said that he would be happy to take her out for a meal should she wish.  She said no.

This morning I came back for a walk and I saw my husband leaving and he was going to meet D for lunch.  I said "tell her that I love her" and he said "you should text her that".  I said I didn't want to open up painful communication.  I wanted to give her time to be mad at me and reach out if she wanted.   We have a family reunion picnic the day before she moves into college.   It seems I will see her at that.  I will ask her afterwards if she wants my help with moving in or going to the orientation parent stuff.   I want to give her space to grow up and mature but want to let her know I love her.  I guess I should do it before we see each other at the family reunion so that there is not this emotional outpouring in front of everyone.  Suggestions or thoughts on this?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello Gorges:

Maybe try... ."I will always love you"... .because you will.  Like her?  Well... .maybe not so much, huh?

If you haven't tried this tactic before, maybe give it a try... .see what happens.   They might Just be words she needs to see written down by her Mom... .might ponder them for a bit.  If not... .well chalk that one up to experience!  No harm done on your part.

My heart goes out to you, Gorges.  You sound worn out.  Our 53-year-long marriage has been tested many times over the years and sometimes, thinking back, it surprises me that we are still together.  Whenever our daughter found an opening where a wedge could be driven in, she used it.  Dealing with the ongoing drama caused by our BPD's takes it toll in all aspects of family life and on all family members... .especially Moms (but then I guess I am biased cause I'm a Mom).

[need a break]

I did the I love you and I'm proud of you about a week ago. Then found myself back to square one allowing myself to be manipulated by my D. Before I knew it I was purchasing new tires for her car. We had a contract that she was to keep a dentist appt (19 cavities) of course I will pay for it. That was the deal, get your teeth fixed and I will get you new tires.
Of course she did not go to the dentist, lied said she was sick. Then I was told she was out and about having fun and posting it all on FB. Now we estranged again because she broke the deal we had.
I blame myself for this. I jumped the gun and put my boundaries down even if for a moment.
Be careful and take care of yourself

[mggt]

Don't blame yourself we all want a close relationship with our children or adult  children.  We make deals with them so they will take care of themselves especially hygiene , sadly I have done this many times and usually never works.  You were trying to help her so dont blame your self it is imbedded in us to help our kids no matter what .  Stay strong 

[Huat]

Even though it back-fired, Need-a-Break, I think you did the right thing in telling her you loved her.  No harm there.  Remember, "loving" and "liking" are two different things.  If ever you do it again, just make it a statement with no softening of boundaries.

The teeth thing... .well... .think of it... .a natural consequence at the end.  We went through this with one of ours.  He is now to be fitted with dentures.  Too bad, huh?

I read something today that made me smile... ."One of the happiest moments ever is when you find the courage to let go of what you can't change."