I don't know how to proceed

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So; as per my previous post.  NC was broken, friend accepted my FB messages and just responded with his new mobile number.  I said I would call in a few days so left it until today (from Tuesday PM) hoping to hear from him in that time, but no.  This morning I sent a FB message (not text as I know how much he hates them) asking if its ok for me to call him at 12.30.  Its 1pm and its still unread.  Of course he could be busy but I I doubt he's too busy to not quickly respond.

So as he is playing hardball with me still; and I already said Tuesday that me contacting him would be the last time I would ever reach out to him, do I go back to NC.  I'm not playing games with him; life is too short and it would appear that I am still firmly in devaluation stage/painted black in his eyes.

So do I go NC and force him to make the next move should he wish to, because I've apologised to death and said I miss him etc. but I'm not going to keep doing it.

FGS; why give me his new mobile number to then ignore me.  

[insideoutside]

So; as per my previous post.  NC was broken, friend accepted my FB messages and just responded with his new mobile number.  I said I would call in a few days so left it until today (from Tuesday PM) hoping to hear from him in that time, but no.  This morning I sent a FB message (not text as I know how much he hates them) asking if its ok for me to call him at 12.30.  Its 1pm and its still unread.  Of course he could be busy but I I doubt he's too busy to not quickly respond.

So as he is playing hardball with me still; and I already said Tuesday that me contacting him would be the last time I would ever reach out to him, do I go back to NC.  I'm not playing games with him; life is too short and it would appear that I am still firmly in devaluation stage/painted black in his eyes.

So do I go NC and force him to make the next move should he wish to, because I've apologised to death and said I miss him etc. but I'm not going to keep doing it.

FGS; why give me his new mobile number to then ignore me.  

[once removed]

and I already said Tuesday that me contacting him would be the last time I would ever reach out to him, do I go back to NC.  

back up your words with actions 

[heartandwhole]

Hi izzy,

You have tried your best to fix a time to talk with him. I'd say now the ball is in his court. He may simply not be aware of your FB message, yet, is that a correct reading? If so, he'll see it when he sees it and then he can let you know if he wants to talk today.

As I said before, I think the dynamics are already putting you in a vulnerable position, so I agree with    once removed: if he doesn't respond or starts playing games, move on. You deserve a friendship that is fulfilling. 

heartandwhole

[insideoutside]

Thanks once removed and heart and whole; it's still unread so I fear it's a power struggle again.  If I'm still devalued and painted black why on earth did he accept my messages and give me his number.  I don't think I'll ever stop wracking my brain over his actions.

I can't talk to him now until at least  Monday and I don't plan on contacting him again even though I can feel anxiousness and anger bubbling to the surface.  He obviously doesn't value my friendship.  Simple as.

[rfriesen]

If I'm still devalued and painted black why on earth did he accept my messages and give me his number.

There may be no satisfying answer to this question. He might not know himself. Maybe he finds it reassuring to see how far you'll go to keep him in your life, despite how disrespectfully he treats you. Does it matter what his exact motivation is, if there even is a coherent motivation? The end result is that you're left doing all the work of maintaining the relationship, and he doesn't treat you with the basic openness and respect we all value in friendships.

I don't think I'll ever stop wracking my brain over his actions.

If you tell yourself you won't and you choose to keep reaching out, you will keep wracking your brain over his actions and motivations. It's not easy to let go, Izzy, I know. Believe me, I know, as so many of us do here. But the choice is yours. If you want to stop wracking your brain, then you can choose to take one step at a time towards that goal.

He obviously doesn't value my friendship.  Simple as.

Heartbreaking to face, isn't it? Even when it's as simple as that, and the actions say it loud and clear, it's a hard process to accept. Be kind to yourself and know that you've given all you could to making it work. 

If he doesn't value your friendship, do you want to keep putting your heart on the line like this?

[lovenature]

FGS; why give me his new mobile number to then ignore me.

Push/pull; depends on his current emotion of the moment.

Like others have said; enforcing your boundaries by backing up words with actions is paramount. I know how tough it is to do, there were many times where I let my boundaries be broken because of my heart not being on the same page as my head.

Take a serious look at what the relationship has given you compared to what it has cost you.

[patientandclear]

FWIW, there are many reasons he might not be responding besides him not valuing your friendship. That said, only you can decide if you can deal with the strange and mysterious twists and turns that exposure to this person probably will entail.

[insideoutside]

Thank you all; he did respond late Friday evening with a quick 'I don't do Facebook, text me'.  I left it and then Saturday morning I got a message on FB asking me to send me the message I had sent him on FB to his phone as he couldn't read it.  Then a quick succession of further messages saying he had transposed a digit in the mobile number and corrected it.  I messaged him to say that I had text him.  A couple of hours later I messaged him to say I didn't think he was getting my texts which prompted him to say his signal was bad, he was going to change his phone/get a new number so to email him.  He has emailed me a fair few times over the weekend; a couple of them repeated so I wonder if he was sending them to see if I would respond, which I did. I'm keeping the emails light and pretty brief as not to engulf him.

So I will have to see how it goes.  There is already a bit of drama about his phone signal etc and him having to get a new phone.  He said he'd ring me next week when I was free so I'll update after that conversation. 

Thanks for everybody's help. 

[insideoutside]

Just an update; he just called me from a withheld number for a chat despite saying he will call me next week.  He seemed quite upbeat; I had to cut the call short though as I am at work and sent him a quick email to apologise for doing so as I don't want him to feel any abandonment.

[heartandwhole]

How are things going, izzybusy? Did the most recent conversation continue when you were at home?

[insideoutside]

How are things going, izzybusy? Did the most recent conversation continue when you were at home?

Hi Heart and Whole

No it never continued as I can't talk in the evenings this week which he knows but he did email me yesterday which said 'I'm going to see how you behave before I give you my new number'.  Fair enough as I know I said some mean things previously etc.  I did email him back later yesterday to say I know you don't trust me at the moment which is ok and I understand as I appreciate that I said some dumb s**t in the past.  That I was a good friend, loyal to the core and would always have his best interests at heart.  I didn't receive response to it; haven't had an email today and I've noticed he's disappeared off Facebook again.  I checked via my snooping Facebook account to see if he had blocked me but he's disappeared off it altogether.  He did this a while back when we were speaking and deleted it and then set up a new one when we weren't speaking.  

Its this kind of behaviour I really struggle with to be honest but trying not to freak out or contact him etc.

[once removed]

I had to cut the call short though as I am at work and sent him a quick email to apologise for doing so as I don't want him to feel any abandonment.

he did email me yesterday which said 'I'm going to see how you behave before I give you my new number'. 

is this a good foundation for a friendship?

[insideoutside]

I had to cut the call short though as I am at work and sent him a quick email to apologise for doing so as I don't want him to feel any abandonment.

he did email me yesterday which said 'I'm going to see how you behave before I give you my new number'.  

is this a good foundation for a friendship?

No it isn't and its all a power struggle again not even a week into him accepting a truce.  He holds all the cards and has multiple ways he in which he can contact me but now I am limited to just his email address.

[once removed]

so whats in it for you?