I lost my temper and know I feel bad

[George23]

I lost my temper with my best friend and now I feel bad.  We have a roller coaster relationship which has been romantic, every so often usually when she is stressed we reach a flash point which is usually because plans have to be changed, we argue.

This is a cycle that has been going on for 18 months,  she brings up the same argument all the time, that I put my ex before her, she always accuses me of putting my ex first which nothing could be further from the truth. I always feel like i'm walking on egg shells and I'm accused that everything is my fault, she flits between wanting to be just friends to being a couple then she wants to be with a man. I dont think she really knows who she is or what she wants, I just try to roll with it, i'm accused of controlling her , huffing and puffing when she's on her phone she accuses me of saying things about her behind her back.

She got a reputation for being a bit "mad" (no offence) people always comment to me but I always defend her.   She has said the most vile things to me when we have argued, the worst being that I am the sort of person who makes people like her want to kill themselves, she said this knowing full well that when I was young I found my best friend hanging, she had taken her own life.

I love my friend dearly and absolutely want her to be happy,  I don't think she is.  I can see the pattern I can predict when the storm is coming, when she is hurting I know because she makes me hurt she knows all the right buttons to press. 

I try so hard to be patient and protect her but this last time I lost my temper.    I got all the normal abuse, this time it started because a group of us were travelling to a conference together I was going to borrow a car that could take us all together, a road trip! she was excited about it.  The car belonged to my ex, to cut a long story short the day before we went my ex had an emergency and so I could not have the car. everyone else railed round, and we took two cars. However this turned in to a massive issue for my friend saying that my ex had done it on purpose, she hadn't it was a genuine emergency. I was accused of letting her come between us again because I didnt demand the car from her. I was seen as putting my ex first. As always, I tried to explain but nothing was going to explain.  I had chosen my ex over her again according to her. Now she doesnt want any contact from me she never wants to speak to me again and I'm blocked from all forms of communication.

I lost my temper and told her about how I defend her and how she has know idea who she is, how unless she takes a long hard look at herself will never be happy, how she gets close to someone and then runs away and how she is obivious to how hurtful she is. she just replies saying she wont contact me again and I'm blocking you.

I'm tired, tired of being vilified one moment and being the most awesome person the next often within minuets.  I never really know who I'm going to get from one moment to the next.   I'm currently spending the week with her in a training room where we dont speak.


I dont know what to do how to make things better, how to even talk to her.  Im so angry with her , but I think I'm more angry with myself for letting it happen again.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[BowlOfPetunias]

What do you mean by "training room"?  Is this work related?

You say that she "flits between wanting to be just friends to being a couple then she wants to be with a man."  Does this mean you are a woman?  If so, wouldn't it make sense for you to be with someone who was more committed to/comfortable with her own sexual identity, whether that was lesbian or bisexual? 

You also seem to be confused as to whether she is your "friend" or a romantic partner.  My advice would be (assuming you continue with some form of relationship, which might not be a good idea) to draw a boundary that your relationship with her will be JUST friends.  Things sound very complicated with her, and sex just makes it even more complicated.  If this is going to work, it needs to be a simple as possible.

Drawing the "just friends" boundary might invoke a hostile reaction from her.  But it could deescalate the conflict.  Not only will it simplify things, it will mean that she has different expectations from you.  BPDs have the strongest push/pull behaviors and splitting with people they are closest to.  If you are "just a friend," you become less (overwhelmingly for her) important and therefore less important for fighting with.  Again, I realize that a just friends boundary may not be possible because she will see this as a betrayal/abandonment and paint you completely black.  But I don't think a romantic relationship is a good idea.

[George23]

We work for the same organisation but at different locations, yes I am a women and yes we did have a relationship we are now friends, but she seems to be confused about this aspect of our friendship which I have tried to point out to her over the last couple of weeks. Her behaviour towards me is not one of just friendship it never has been, which is overwhelming for her.  We do have a very complicated relationship which I do try to simplify and set boundaries which dont seem to work.

Regardless of what our relationship is called the expectation is always the same.

[BowlOfPetunias]

Regardless of what our relationship is called the expectation is always the same.

She may have the same expectations, but you do not have to meet them.  Being involved sexually is always something that takes the consent of both/all partners.  If you set a "just friends" boundary, that does not mean she has the right to expect it to be a "just friends with benefits" boundary.  If a man insisted on having sex with a woman after she indicated she did not want, we would call it sexual assault or rape.  But it is no different if the person forcing sex without consent is a woman.

Setting any boundary will be met with some resistance--the BPD has been able to take advantage of the non and has enjoyed doing so, so why stop now?  The non doesn't know what he/she is talking about.  The non needs to prove his or her love/commitment to the BPD.  The non is being selfish/unfair.  The non may be saying this, but he or she is to weak to maintain it if the BPD pushes back enough.

It is up to the person setting the boundaries to maintain his or her resolve, even when the BPD pushes back.

Here is an example of the rationalization for violating boundaries.  Years ago, my wife thought that a small-time, low-paying stage managing gig was the best professional opportunity ever for her to become a professional director (delusional).  She was constantly asked to direct new actors as they replaced leaving cast members as part of the stage managing job--but without ANY compensation or credit for directing!  The time she was spending doing so was having a negative effect on our relationship--less intimacy, fights because she was stressed about not having time to write her own plays (and blaming me for that), more and more housework being shifted to me, etc.  I told her that they should pay her for her time and/or give her credit as a director.  I also asked her to promise that she would not work for them without pay anymore.  She made the promise.

A short time later, she was back to working extra hours with no pay!  I said she broke her promise.  For YEARS she insisted that she had not broken her promise because she had thought that they would  not ask her to do this again, but they did.  The promise didn't really count if they asked her.  I compared this to our marriage vows--What if I said, "I know I promised to be faithful and not cheat on you.  But I didn't think I would actually have the opportunity to have sex with someone else!  I did have the opportunity, though, so the promise doesn't count!  I am off the hook!"

She insisted for years that she did not break her promise, even in marriage counseling.  Finally, one of our counselors pointed out to her that yes, she did break her promise.

Oh, and the big opportunity never led to anything.

[Meili]

As a point of clarification, does being "more than friends" just mean sexually, or are the components of things like jealousy also involved here? I mean, does she get upset when you go out with someone other than her and things like that?

If so, I can see how that would complicate things.

[George23]

Yes all components are in there. One min we are on next we are off, all her decision.

[Meili]

Are you sure that it's all her decision? Don't you have some say in how it goes?

[George23]

Good point!

When I say it's her decision, what I mean by that is that she jumps around a bit with what she wants our relationship to be one minute it's just friendship then it's a romantic relationship, when she just wants to be friends she pushes the boundaries of what friends do together.