In one ear...

[BowlOfPetunias]

We are in the process of trying to fix up the attic, move our son up there, and move our daughter into his current room.

Despite my shoulder problems from recent surgery, I had removed some of the wallpaper from the attic a few weeks ago.  I showed my wife and son how to do it, but nothing happened after that.

Yesterday, my wife had a painter over.  Yes, it will be a very good idea to have someone else do the painting--both in terms of skill and time.  He said it would cost us an extra $150 if we did not take down the rest of the wallpaper.  He then showed us how to do so.  Several times during the demonstration, I told my wife "yes, that is what I have been doing."

Our son has not been cleaning his (disaster area) room, so it is not prepared for us to move his stuff upstairs and have it repainted.  She decided to stay with him and work on it yesterday.  Out of frustration that no one else was working on the attic and worrying that it would not get done unless I did it, I put in another two hours stripping the wallpaper.  (I used my "good" left arm mostly, even though I am right-handed, to protect my shoulder.)

After dinner, she commented on how much the painter's instructions had helped me to remove the wallpaper!  I told her that I had repeatedly said that I was already doing that!

This fits into a common pattern.  When I tell her something, she doubts it.  Then she hears the same exact thing from someone else and thinks it is absolutely correct.  She forgets, of course, that I had already said the same thing.

BTW, she did not listen carefully to the instructions from the painter or me.  She came up for a few minutes and tried removing some paper.  She scored the vinyl layer of the wallpaper and then started peeling it off without spraying the solvent on it first!  (The whole point of scoring it is to get the solvent under the top vinyl layer.  There are some parts you can pull off before doing this, but scoring will make that harder as the vinyl will rip instead of coming off in a relatively large piece.  Once you get off what you can, you then need to score the rest of it, spray it, and scrape.)

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[schwing]

Hi BowlofPetunias,

This fits into a common pattern.  When I tell her something, she doubts it.  Then she hears the same exact thing from someone else and thinks it is absolutely correct.  She forgets, of course, that I had already said the same thing.

This behavior fits right into one of the diagnostic criteria for BPD: "A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation."

Idealization/devaluation is called "splitting" behavior.  For people with BPD (pwBPD) they can only see people (including themselves) as either "absolutely correct" (idealization) or she "doubts" them (devaluation). When no other bias is present, pwBPD often idealize complete strangers. But with longstanding relationships, where there is more evidence that we are not so ideal, they can tend to devalue us.

Frankly I think they idealize and devalue based on what they emotional need at the time.  If they need someone to look up to (i.e. someone to rescue them), they will idealize them.  If they need someone to blame for when they feel badly, they will devalue them.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[BowlOfPetunias]

This whole move has generated a lot of conflict between my wife and our son, partially from him not cooperating and partially also from her overly-ambitious/optimistic schedule (which, frankly, she has not put the time in either.)

This has been compounded by the splitting behavior--she often rushes to the conclusion that our son's behavior has improved (without evidence) only to become enraged when it becomes clear that it hasn't.

We had been holding out on paying our son's pay-as-you-go phone as leverage.  She was out most of Saturday (last day of a summer job) and I was in and out of the house with errands and our daughter.  I took "before" photos of his room and told him that I would use them to establish whether or not he had made any progress.  When I was home, I caught him watching TV and avoiding cleaning the room.

That evening, I told her that I did not see much progress.  I checked the photos and did not see much difference.  Yes, the center of the floor was clear, but the rest of the room was still a disaster.  I suspected that much of the stuff on the floor had been shoved under his dresser.  I told her that I did not think he did enough.  She asked me to get his phone so she could reactivate it!  (In one ear... .)  I pointed out that I had said that he did not do much work.  So she rechecked and finally agreed with me.  That led to a big fight with him because now she was going back on her promise to reactive his phone!

She sees problems with the kids as proof that she is a bad mother, so she "corrects" the problem by convincing herself that there have been significant improvements.  But she can only pretend that things have changed for so long before the problems--and the evidence that she feels discredits her as a mother--shatters the comfortable illusion.  Then she gets into a rage.  As the above example shows, her optimistic phases lead to the removal of consequences for the kids, which then leads to further bad behavior on their parts.

[schwing]

She sees problems with the kids as proof that she is a bad mother, so she "corrects" the problem by convincing herself that there have been significant improvements.  But she can only pretend that things have changed for so long before the problems--and the evidence that she feels discredits her as a mother--shatters the comfortable illusion.  Then she gets into a rage.  As the above example shows, her optimistic phases lead to the removal of consequences for the kids, which then leads to further bad behavior on their parts.

Borderline mothers have many issues that conflict with some of the requirements for good parenting.  Here's a quote from Christine Ann Lawson's Understanding the Borderline Mother:

Although she can function extraordinarily well in other roles, mothering is the single most daunting task for the borderline female. Her fear of abandonment and her tendency to experience separation as rejection or betrayal lock the borderline mother and her children in a struggle for survival. The child is emotionally imprisoned. Children must separate to survive, but separation threatens their mother’s survival.

[ArleighBurke]

BPD behaviours aside, perhaps you are going about this the wrong way... .

I'm assuming that it is YOUR plan (or your wife's) to move your daughter. But you need help from the son.

I agree that getting the attic ready is probably a job for both you and your wife, however you need to decide if it's a job that YOU want, or that SHE wants. If it's what SHE wants, and you dont care - then let her do it at her pace. But it sounds like it's a job that YOU want.

So manage it. Plan and execute. You can tell your wife: "Here's the agreed timeline (that she agreed to). For it to happen, that wallpaper needs to be stripped by Friday. Are you able to?". If she agrees, then use natural consequences. On friday if it's not done, pay the painter to do it and tell your wife "I'm sorry you weren't able to do it. There's no problem I've paid extra and that money has come from <the vacation budget> or <delay the new TV> or <something>". So you are not upset - you've asked her to do something by a set time (and she's agreed). The consqeunce of her missing that is a set thing.

For your son - tell him the same. Depending on age: "we need your help to move. On Monday, I will move X and Y into the attic. I expect YOU to move the rest. Anything that hasn't been moved I will sweep out and <put out in the garage for you to sort through> or <throw away>."

It's an agreed plan, with clear jobs defined, definite timeframe. And if people don't do what they are expected, then it is NOT allowed to hold up the rest of the timeline - you simply have a work around that causes them some consequence (NOT a punishment, but a "they have to sort it" action).