Positivity

[pjstock42]

I know that one of the main purposes of this board is to discuss the awful things that our BPD exes have done to us and because of that, I think that sometimes through reading/posting here that you can end up putting yourself into a negative frame of mind. I am as guilty of this as anyone and have used this board to write up in detail every horrible thing that my ex did to me and all of the terrible feelings that I've been having since the discard.

I wanted to start a thread to share some positive thoughts with one another if anyone would like to chime in. I'm now 2 months past the discard and have kept up over 50 days of successful NC & I'm starting to have glimpses of hope and positivity again. I know that my relationship was much shorter than those of many here (1.5 years) and I know that I am fortunate to not have a marriage/divorce and children to deal with in my situation but I just wanted to say to everyone here, that it DOES get better in time. I am not fully better yet and probably nowhere close to being so, yet things have changed drastically - especially over the last couple of weeks. I find myself having almost the same thoughts every day that I've been having running through my mind since ground zero of my sudden discard but now, my reactions to these thoughts seems to have changed.

For quite a while, I would have a complete emotional breakdown multiple times throughout every day. I've always been a very emotionally stable person so this was not easy for me to deal with. I spent a lot of mental energy trying to artificially propel my emotions into a more positive state but this never worked. Eventually, I took the advice of others on this board and began to let my emotions flow through me regardless of how sick I was of being distraught. Whether it was needing to go sit in my car while at work to avoid having some kind of breakdown in my office or just needing to get into my bed and cry for a while, I just let these things happen. It came to a point where I could instantly think to myself "OK, I'm going to cry now" and that was tough to accept, especially being a man and thus being expected by society to not have this kind of reaction to emotional issues. I really think that this process of allowing emotions to process, not stifling them or holding them in, really helped to accelerate my recovery and put me on the right path. It may seem to you right now that you will never stop crying about this but believe me, you will.

I am so thankful for this community and all of the valuable knowledge I was able to gain from clinical information and the stories of other users. I know there are many other users here who are on a similar timeline to me or who are not as far removed from the shocking discard by their ex or who are maybe involved in their ex partner attempting to recycle them. I can't tell you how excited I am to see the progress that these people will make, I truly hope that each and every person whom has shared their painful stories here continues to post so that I can see them working through this and getting back to normal.

None of us here deserved to be put through what we have gone through and none of us expected that we would ever face this kind of emotional turmoil and distress. The thing is, simply by taking action through finding this community and sharing your experiences with other like-minded people, you are all already on the path to recovery without even knowing it. All of us will make it through this and get back to being the person who we really are. All of us will get better and all of those who wish to pursue romantic relationships will get back to a place where this is doable and next time, you will enter into these situations with so much more knowledge about the world and about yourself that you never would have had if you weren't forced to endure this suffering.

This process sucks, it has led me to the deepest/darkest times in my life and it will continue to resonate with me for a long time. However; through radical acceptance, I know that every single person here will be better from this once they have fully recovered.

[rfriesen]

I know that one of the main purposes of this board is to discuss the awful things that our BPD exes have done to us and because of that, I think that sometimes through reading/posting here that you can end up putting yourself into a negative frame of mind.

Absolutely, this is a wonderful place to vent and to unload some of the hurt and anger that we just can't bear to carry around silently. But good for you also being aware that we can get stuck putting too much focus on all the things our exes did to hurt us.

PJ, I'm so happy to hear that you're feeling somewhat better. It really makes my evening to read your positive post.

I really think that this process of allowing emotions to process, not stifling them or holding them in, really helped to accelerate my recovery and put me on the right path.

This is such a wonderful insight. You might even find going forward that you're hit with even harder and sharper emotions. I don't say this to scare you!  Just that was my experience - as I became more sure of my ability to deal with difficult emotions, to accept them and not stifle them, to let myself feel them without being carried away to react in harmful ways ... .well, as that happened, I felt myself sometimes being hit with new waves of emotion. I suppose we all have our defence mechanisms and ways of suppressing emotions that we aren't ready to deal with. And once we are ... .man, can they surface with force. But each time you let it happen, you gain a greater sense of confidence and calm in dealing with difficult emotions. As you say, the emotions are still there. Only we learn to carry them more lightly and not to be controlled by them.

This process sucks, it has led me to the deepest/darkest times in my life and it will continue to resonate with me for a long time. However; through radical acceptance, I know that every single person here will be better from this once they have fully recovered.

Wonderfully put!

[gotbushels]

Hi pjstock42  

I'm now 2 months past the discard and have kept up over 50 days of successful NC & I'm starting to have glimpses of hope and positivity again.

Wonderful. Well done pjstock42. I'm not sure about you're whole background but well done on successfully going about what you set out to do. 50 days can't have been easy. I'm glad to hear that you can see positivity in your days.   Thank you for sharing this with us.

For quite a while, I would have a complete emotional breakdown multiple times throughout every day. I've always been a very emotionally stable person so this was not easy for me to deal with. I spent a lot of mental energy trying to artificially propel my emotions into a more positive state but this never worked. Eventually, I took the advice of others on this board and began to let my emotions flow through me regardless of how sick I was of being distraught.

I'd consider that this takes a special amount of maturity to confront this. I want to hold it out for this reason. Well done on trying various different ways to overcome this difficult time. Well done on performing acceptance here. It's not easy to do, especially when we identify ourselves as very emotionally stable. Perhaps it might be helpful to note that a BPD relationship is a very unusual thing, so it naturally follows that unusual amounts of stress and an absence of emotional stability will follow. Good job on getting through it.  

Whether it was needing to go sit in my car while at work to avoid having some kind of breakdown in my office or just needing to get into my bed and cry for a while, I just let these things happen.

I know what this feels like.

The thing is, simply by taking action through finding this community and sharing your experiences with other like-minded people, you are all already on the path to recovery without even knowing it.

I agree.

All of us will make it through this and get back to being the person who we really are.

Sometimes, we are able to make use of the things that are left behind to live as even better versions of ourselves.

This process sucks, it has led me to the deepest/darkest times in my life and it will continue to resonate with me for a long time.

Yes, sometimes it does! When we've been in the deep and dark parts of the ocean, sometimes we come to appreciate the sunlight more.  

[Moselle]

I wanted to start a thread to share some positive thoughts with one another if anyone would like to chime in... .I'm starting to have glimpses of hope and positivity again.

Yes, this is a board of transitions and it's  great to hear how positive you are feeling again.

Having been through the fire it's important for people to transition to a new and exciting future. Thanks for being a good example of this.

Keep posting

[heartandwhole]

Hi pjstock,

I love reading posts like this; thank you for sharing.    I'm proud of you for doing the (often very hard) work of feeling your feelings. That is something you will take with you the rest of your life, and it will be of great benefit.

I, too, heartily agree that I am a better version of myself coming out of this ordeal. So much pain—no doubt!—but so much growth and learning as well. Today, I'm truly grateful for the experience.

Keep posting—we all learn from your experiences. 

heartandwhole

[drained1996]

PJ, absolutely wonderful post.  We're so happy you are feeling better about things for yourself!  Good job brother, so very proud of you for facing all of this uncomfortable stuff head on! 
Something you may not quite understand as much... .but your sharing and introspective posts are also helping others.  You have a wonderful mind, and a huge heart.  Keep sharing and being YOU!