Feeling like giving up

[JerryRG]

Here's the thing and I know it's pity and anger but here goes

I'm giving up, I'm sick and I've got cancer.

I'm on chemo for as long as I'm alive

It kills me, robs me of my strength.
My muscle
My bone.
My memory.
It gives me pain.
All over.
Headaches.
My feet hurt so bad I can hardly walk or stand up
Every joint in my body hurts
Every muscle aches.
My son needs a healthy dad.
His mother don't care if she sees him anymore.
She lives off his money and my son gets nothing.
She pretends to be sick.
She pretends to have cancer.
She lies.
She hates.
She manipulates.
I hate her illness.
I'm tired.
I'm dying.
And for what?
So I can go broke trying to keep my son in daycare.
So his mother can steal his money.
So she has a place to live and have her creep bf live with her.
So she can continue to hound me with her evil howes.
She says she's good.
She says she's happy.
She begs me to get her bf away.
Then tells me he's wonderful.
She's insane.
She's crazy.
She's evil.
She's brutal.
She's unreal.

I'm tired.
I'm dying.
She wants me dead.
Why?
Because she knows I don't love her.
She thought I would always love her.
She's wrong.

I'm not God.
Maybe He can love her.
I will not.

She is trying to destroy me.
She is destroying herself.
She will destroy our son.

She is death.

I vow to never talk to her again, I buried her a long time ago, she's dead to me, now she just needs to leave me alone.

I cannot fight her illness, I cannot fight her evil.

[Mutt]

Hi JerryRG,

That's good that you got that out.

I cannot fight her illness, I cannot fight her evil

Do you mean that you feel like just can't win with her? She's just too difficult?

What if I told you that a way to rise above is with understanding. What I mean by understanding, is understanding the reason why she functions the way that she functions? I understand that you're angry, that's reasonable, but a goal can be to neither like or hate the dysfunctional behaviors but to become indifferent to them?

[JerryRG]

I just want her out of my life forever and I will do whatever it takes to rid myself of the scum that she is. She begged for me to point her in the right direction to get help and away from her bf, I offer her the way, she sh### in my face.

I'm done, I don't have the energy to deal with the thought of that evil bit##. I've blocked her emails, texts and I won't take calls.

I've tried to take care of my son, I've failed.

It's over, nothing will be gained in trying any harder.

I cannot save my son from her.

He's lost just like his mother.

[Mutt]

JerryRG,

I'm done, I don't have the energy to deal with the thought of that evil bit##. I've blocked her emails, texts and I won't take calls.

Self protection is a good idea if you're not feeling well. It's a buffer between you and her that will help you heal emotionally.

I'm competitive. I felt like I was in a hole the day that my ex left. Knee deep in pain. She took almost everything we owned, cleaned out the credit cards, the kids are with her and she won't let me see them. I'm facing a smear campaign family and friends are invalidating. I felt alone. But I said to myself, I'll win. The way to win was that I had to change. She had no control or power over that because I control that.

I know that it's tough when we're not always there for the kids. It drove me nuts at the time but what I can control us the time that the kids are with me and to balance things out. Its chaotic at their house, its the opposite at mine, a place for them to feel safe.

How did you feel like you failed?

[JerryRG]

I cannot for the life of me understand why she believes I want to hear about her delusions and that's what they are.

Why the he## does she think she can tell me anything that pops into her crazy head and expect me to accept them as fact.

I and everyone else know she's just making things up and why? Why lie about such stupid meaningless things?

I have cancer, SHE DOES NOT, NEVER HAS AND EVEN IF SHE DID, NO ONE WOULD CARE!

She don't want to be with our son, she promised to give me his entire check back to me, then part of it, then nothing. Why torture our innocent son, HE'S TWO YEARS OLD!

WHAT KIND OF MONSTER HARMS THIER BABY?

AND I CAN'T STOP HER!

So yes I failed my son, he's going to have to live with his pshycho mother and I'm dying. That's it, it's over.

What's the point? I die, she lives in her insanity and my son suffers.

It's already over and I'm fighting for what? I can't even keep myself well, I'm getting worse, sicker, weaker. It's all over. No matter what, my son is forced to live with a psychopath. And trust me, she is far worse than any BPD, she is the devil.

[Mutt]

JerryRG,

It's not fair. To answer your question about why she acts the way does is because of her neural pathways, her neural pathways could of developed this way because of genetics, environment or a single event in her life. She's mentally ill. I'm sorry.

JerryRG, we do it one day at a time.

[UnforgivenII]

Jerry please. For you and for your son. For God. And for us. Please do not surrend. Fight. Fight for your son. Evil is not invincible. You will improve.

She will delight in your defeat.
Do not give this to her.

I am here for you. Anytime.

[Larmoyant]

Please don't give up Jerry 

[JerryRG]

Gosh thank you everyone, and forgive me.

The strangest thing happend and with it I learned a valuable lesson from a tiny little man who had no intention but still he's such a blessing.

I've had a potty chair for my little boy for over 3 months, almost daily sitting on it and pretending and not getting results until this morning.

His first time really using the potty chair.

While I spent all day and night sitting on my pity pot and getting sicker and depressed, he taught me the real purpose of the potty.

He's taught me so much, I'm so blessed to have him in my life and for all of you too.

Thank you so much, I love you all 

Have a great day and keep moving forward!

[joeramabeme]

Gosh thank you everyone, and forgive me.

Thank you for the courage to share! We all get something when seeing others being deeply vulnerable.

As others have encouraged; don't quit - you and your son are worth it!

Blessings

[StayStrongNow]

JerryRG I will pray for you, the enemy wants you to quit everybody here and I am sure who knows the good person you are, want to support you and encourage you to keep going. Thank you so much for your post. I have read many of your posts, you have replied to my posts, I care about you, you are my brother non.

Keep trying.

[Sadly]

Scared is what your FEELING, brave is what your DOING.
This is you JerryG. Love to you.
Sadly. x

[JerryRG]

Thank you Sadly

You keep giving me gifts I don't deserve

Thank you 

God bless you

[Sadly]

Don't be daft Jerry, you deserve all the luck and love you are being given, as do we all. Give your little lad a hug from me too. 
Xx