Harboring thoughts of revenge and she has given me the ammo

[Frustratedbloke]

I haven't been here for a while, I was pretty much past it. But the BPD ex tried to charm me, and it has really annoyed me. She has also given me pretty much everything I need to make her life Hell, and I'm seriously thinking about it.

As a brief recap we were on and off again for a year and she kept trying to keep in touch in the off times. Finally I found out she was engaged the whole time, the husband to be was in Africa (She's African too) and even after he flew back to the UK she came to see me.

Nothing happened except a few kisses, I guess she just wanted  to keep me warm. I have moved 100 miles away since then.

The thing is she is a Uni student and she shouldn't be, I helped her with all her coursework and she's clearly keen to keep that going. So two weeks ago she came on hard, she missed me, she wants to see me, she's going to come and see me, a million Facebook kisses, pictures of her with her new hair, do I think she looks pretty, we're going to spend time together, the works... .She also denied she was engaged, with anyone, she has literally never admitted it. I found out through Facebook stalking (I know... .)

Then came the 'can you help me with... .'. I played her, told her I was busy but I would have a look. All the lovely messages in the world. Then I told her, come see me and we will do it then. She tried to invite me on a holiday she's going on, after the deadline of course, so I just said no, come see me and we'll do it 'after'.

She then went dead and sure enough her husband to be's Facebook shows him flying out after her and them returning together.

I'm tempted to send him everything, the fact that she was cheating on me, while engaged to him, and she's done at least 10 guys before they've even tied the knot and she's still hitting me up and promising to sleep with me, even if she might have no intention of going through with it.

I've got everything and part of me wants to destroy her, partially so she'll never bother me again and partially because she could have left me alone and she just kept playing.

Would you, in my circumstances?

[Looking2Heal]

No. I would not because I wouldn't want to make the individual mad and have to deal with any retaliation against you--especially after reading the stories on here. No way! I would just go no contact.  

[Frustratedbloke]

Oh yeah I forgot to mention this one thing, I moved 100 miles away to stockpile money. I'm leaving in five days for a new life a loong way from here (UK) in the Caribbean. I think I'm Teflon, it would be like a parting shot from a distance.

[snowwhite]

You are better than this. I know you still hurt and feel used but do not become like her just to even the score.
You are better than that.

[Frustratedbloke]

Maybe, but she could have just let me go. I was gone. She still couldn't resist one last attempt to use me.

She's garbage, absolute trash, and it's an easy opportunity to make her feel just 0.0001% of the pain and discomfort she caused me.

Honestly I'm leaning towards she deserves it and it might just be a lesson for her. It will also ensure she never contacts me again... .

[once removed]

It will also ensure she never contacts me again... .

so will silence, or blocking, or otherwise not responding and engaging when she reaches out to you asking for something.

is there some hurt here? i get that you feel used which always makes me angry - were you expecting more?

[Method]

I can understand how all of this would make you very angry and why you would want to seek revenge. I too, have had similar emotions.

In your state of mind/emotions of anger and revenge, I would not do it. I am not a vengeful person, I would stay true to myself and allow someone else, no matter how bad they hurt me, jeopardize my character.

However, if you telling the fiance comes from a moral stand point, as in he should know what is really going on before making a huge mistake in his life, then that is different IMO.

My 2 cents

[bunny4523]

Honestly I'm leaning towards she deserves it and it might just be a lesson for her. It will also ensure she never contacts me again... .

Honestly I don't think it will cause her as much pain as your hoping. What if she talks her way out of it.  The guy loves her so he trys to make it work still.  How angry will you feel if your attempt at revenge doesn't work and she lives happily ever after?  If you wanted to do it because he deserves to know and whatever he decides to do, you are ok with it then... .maybe ok... .but you still need to think about her retaliation.  If your doing it just to hurt her... .well then your investing in an outcome you have no control over.  She could already have another guy lined up and doesn't even care.  Just be careful where you choose to put your energies. If I were you, I would focus on yourself... .like maybe why you are mad at yourself?  Are you upset at yourself for even entertaining her charming ways?

Bunny

[Frustratedbloke]

All fair points. I wasn't going to just tell him, I was going to do the full, public humiliation route... .She wrote everything down, with kissy faces, photos of her new hair (so clearly the right time) blowing kisses to me, it actually couldn't have been more handed to me on a plate... .

It's not for him, it's for her. If she talks him round, meh, that's his choice. Personally I don't think any man could face that, though, we put ourselves through an awful lot of stuff in private. But there's something about our friends knowing that just makes it impossible to accept.

I'm going to sit on it for a week, and then decide. Nothing changes in a week and I'll be thousands of miles away, which could make it funnier.

I really know what everybody is saying but why do we keep having to be the good one and stand there while they kick sand in our face saying 'please ma'am, may I have some more?'

[bunny4523]

I really know what everybody is saying but why do we keep having to be the good one and stand there while they kick sand in our face saying 'please ma'am, may I have some more?'

I get it.  I fantasize about being a fly on the wall when everyone finds out how sick he is.  I guess I just don't have the guts to pull the trigger, in fear if I do it wrong, I will look like the crazy one.  I guess I don't care that much either.  But I do understand what you are saying... .cause I have had those revenge thoughts.  My thing is investing in a certain outcome and then if it doesn't work out how I planned it, trying to save face.  Too many times I acted on things too fast and regretted it.  I'm like the tortoise... .slow and steady wins the race. ha ha

If you end up doing it, keep me posted... .maybe I can live vicariously through you. I would like to see their BS backfire... .just once.  Instead of trotting off into the sunset kicking dirt in our faces.

Bunny

[Skip]

why do we keep having to be the good one and stand there while they kick sand in our face saying 'please ma'am, may I have some more?'

I think, at the end of the day, it's really a question of our own character and our values in life.

If our ex has poor character does that open the door for us? Or do ourvalues say that bad character is not something we do, and our boundaries say we don't want bad character in my life (from anyone including ourselves).

There is a reason you came here to ask the question.  

[Turkish]

Asserting boundaries related to our core values shines the flashlight onto ourselves, helping to detach from conflict, and even enmeshment in some cases. This thread discusses how they are related (click on the quote link for the full Workshop):

Relating our boundary defenses back to the value is very important.  If we don't do this, we run the risk of loosing sight of our objective - and we may make matters worse. To be constructive, we need to have realistic values and we need to understand what our responsibilities are if we want to truly live them. Talk is cheap.
 
There are 3 parts, the values we have, the boundaries of those values, and the actions we take when the boundaries are threatened.
 
Some examples:

Value:	Important aspect of life that I commit to live fully.
Boundary:	Defining what falls outside of my value, what is unacceptable.
Action:	One of the options I have when a boundary is threatened.

Value:	I treat everybody with respect
Boundary:	It is not respectful to dominate or control by screaming
Action:	Communicate my values. Lead by example (education - proactive)

Value:	I treat everybody with respect
Boundary:	It is not respectful to dominate or control by screaming
Action:	When a hot topics begin to simmer, I redirect the discussion to a safer topic.  (incident avoidance - proactive).

Value:	I treat everybody with respect
Boundary:	It is not respectful to dominate or control by screaming
Action:	I will take a time out or hang up (incident avoidance - reactive).

Value:	I treat everybody with respect
Boundary:	One cannot be respected in a consistently verbally abusive environment.
Action:	I will remove myself permanently from the environment or until there is change (total avoidance).

------------------------------------------

[Pretty Woman]

Doing that will be a temporary fix and it is only going to hurt you.

She is disordered. None of this will affect her the same way it will you. So you break up their relationship... .she will find another. There are replacements everywhere!

Another poster mentioned angering them. Don't give her ammo. They can be horribly destructive. I have been on the receiving end and almost lost my job.

Don't do it.

Post here, vent, reflect. Retaliation is not a solution.

[Turkish]

My Ex's husband took to mocking her when she was asking him to stop, so he got punched hard. If I had to guess, I'd say that his boundary was not to be accused of things he didn't do. His value may have been not to be disrespected when she told him to stop, since he resorted to mocking her in front of the kids. Unhealthy on both sides. I knew when to assert my boundary (walking away, even if it was avoidance), rather than escalating, which is why I never got punched or stuff thrown at me. My value? Peace. No drama.  Why return to that?

[Frustratedbloke]

Oh I already mocked her, I'm just tired of her now, I want her to stop with the crazy games. The fact she kept coming back to me shows I did keep true to my values, I set boundaries, I stuck to them but I was never an ass. She would still go away for a month or three, come back and look for another angle.

It was amusing in itself, but this time really just annoyed me.

[rfriesen]

Oh I already mocked her, I'm just tired of her now, I want her to stop with the crazy games.

I think we can all relate to the thoughts of revenge that come in the wake of being hurt and feeling wronged.

As bunny noted, though, there's no good reason to think that humiliating and hurting your ex will actually get her to stop the crazy games. She may lose her fiancé -- but, again, do you think that's how she'll come to "see the light" and change her behaviour? And how will you know? Are you going to spend time and energy following her life from a distance? If you find out she continues to do the same thing to other people, will you be upset? What, ultimately, is in it for you, other than the temporary thrill of "getting even"?

The fact she kept coming back to me shows I did keep true to my values, I set boundaries, I stuck to them but I was never an ass.

If all goes as planned and you have the satisfaction of seeing your ex go down in flames, how will you carry that with you? Just shrug it off and forget about her? Feel satisfied for having had the guts to strike back? Feel like you did sink to the level of being "an ass" and take a parting shot? Do you know how you would deal with things if she started lashing out at you on social media, for instance? Would you feel ready at that point to ignore everything and not engage?

I'm just saying to think hard about what's in it for you. If you come to the conclusion that you think it's right for you and you'll feel better having hit back, then it's all in your hands, as you say.

[rfriesen]

I really know what everybody is saying but why do we keep having to be the good one and stand there while they kick sand in our face saying 'please ma'am, may I have some more?'

No need to stand there and have sand kicked in our faces. And no need to stand there and kick sand back. Ideally, once sand is being kicked in people's faces, we just leave the sandbox.

As for why we should continue to act like good people, the only good answers will come from asking yourself what kind of person you want to be. And obviously there's no one right answer for everyone. You might value striking back at this person who has hurt you. You might value drawing your boundaries and simply stepping away. You might feel conflicted about what you value, and that's the tough spot many of us find ourselves in after these relationships. I think many of us long to get even, but feel deep down it's not how we want to conduct ourselves. It takes time to work through that and lord knows I haven't always been at my best as I try to resolve some of my own inner conflict. We're all human and we struggle with emotional conflict.

[Frustratedbloke]

A quick update to everyone that was kind enough to respond.

I didn't do anything. Well I did, I made my big move as planned. I'm now living 400 meters from the beach in the Caribbean, swimming in perfect waters at the weekend and seeing a couple of local girls that seem to appreciate me and I'm having a great time.

She is still going through whatever she needs to go through, the carnage and the drama. She'll mess it up on her own, she doesn't need my help.

So yup, I didn't pull the trigger on it. In the end it would probably have given her some twisted level of satisfaction anyway.

She got in touch again, I ignored her for a few days and came back with the grayest rock response. Hi... .It seems to have worked, she has gone again.

I do think about her now and again, but it's becoming more of a pitying 'what was I thinking' smile than anger by the day.

So screw her, I live by the beach and have a great life ahead. She has pain and suffering to feed off. I wouldn't swap with her.

[amunt]

Take revenge, at least save the poor man from the witch

[Skip]

So yup, I didn't pull the trigger on it. In the end it would probably have given her some twisted level of satisfaction anyway.

You didn't do it because you have character.

In situations like this, the most you ever want to do is give it to an unbiased third party to handle - for example, you could tell her clergy and let them decide, if anything, what to do.

As painful as this has been, you will be able to look back at yourself with pride some day in how you reasoned through these difficult emotions and handled this situation.

In my years here, no class has endorsed revenge. The few members that went down that path were sorry they did. I can think of one individual specifically that posted for over a year trying to expel the shame he felt for doing what he did by defending it and encouraging others until he finally fessed up to how bad he felt that his friends, coworkers, and the group here could only give pause to what he had do.

Good man FB.