JC,
First of all, I'd say it sounds like you're doing a good job of being true to yourself while maintaining your boundaries. You sound self-aware and like you maintained your boundaries when talking to your ex.
Even though i saw through her, i still wanted to contact her. I texted her, we called and talked. She apologized for the drunk message... she was just really "craving our friendship" .
In my experience with my ex, I often had the impression she would reach out in a way that she knew I would see through. After our relationship broke down and I stepped away, she wasn't capable of reaching out in a direct, honest way. I knew that. She knew that. I knew she knew that. She knew I knew she knew that. And so on. So she would just reach out in the way she does -- by sending me some song lyrics or an old picture of us or asking how it could all have gone wrong. If I responded, she would acknowledge that it's just too hard for her to talk about things directly. At the end of the day, she was honest in her own way ... .but what she was basically telling me was, "I'm honestly letting you know that you have to do all the work of opening up and talking directly, being truly vulnerable. I can't do that. You can interpret these song lyrics as my indirect way of telling you I want you to call and do the hard work of opening up." That's my interpretation of it anyway.
Part of what kept sucking me back in was that twisted sense of openness and honesty. My ex could be very self-aware and honest ... .in moments. But she would never follow through and actually try to change her destructive behaviour.
Wanted to be the mature one and held in my thoughts and how the situation really was. Kind of felt like i wronged myself by not sticking it to her and telling her what she is doing. How she's messing with me like this.
I completely relate. And the more distance I get from the relationship with my ex, the happier I am that I kept showing her genuine kindness and care even after we broke up. I made clear I wasn't going to return to the relationship, but I also always let her know that I loved her and that she meant a lot to me, and I wished her well. It can be a tough line to walk, believe me I feel you. Because I was always left hurt that she couldn't reciprocate. She sometimes would say, "It's sweet of you to say that you would like to see me happy if I'm with someone new. But I can never feel that way about you. I never want you to be happy with someone else."
You know? I understand why she would feel conflicted -- obviously I do to. But at the end of the day, I want to identify with the more caring half of my conflicted emotions. So I make that effort, because I do love her. It hurts that she can't/won't make the same effort. Every other break up I've had in my life, it was possible to reach a place of genuinely wishing each other well and moving on with closure.
Now that many months have passed and I have more distance, it feels good that I never adopted the same stance as my ex. It wouldn't feel so good now if I had paid her back in kind.
So my question is, how do people on here, stop feeling bad about not responding or even stop maybe even the subconscious hope. It sucks me back in and a month later, i'm feeling ___ty missing her and i find myself wanting to peep on my replacements instagram page... which i did last night and it hurt.
You need to be honest with yourself about what you want and need now, and enforce your boundaries accordingly. Do you want to move on from your ex and fully detach? Do you also want to let her know you do care and wish her well if she reaches out? Are these two desires/goals interfering with one another? If so, where is your priority, and how can you focus on it first and foremost?
Coming out of intense relationships, we're a bundle of conflicting desires and emotions. The hard work is keeping focused on those desires, emotions, values that we want to validate and strengthen, and letting go of the others. The key is to figure out what you want to hold onto, what let go of, and then what is a workable way to get there. Easier said than done. But, at the end of the day, if these conversations with your ex set you back too much, then work at maintaining no contact. You might slip up sometimes, but keep focused on detaching as the goal and keep taking steps towards it.
