Is everyone painted Black with your ex? Or only certain people?

[Confused108]

I would like to know if anyone here knows about how many exs their ex BPD has painted "Black"? Do they paint all their exs black ? Some of them and not all? Or is it just you? I'm curious because to my knowledge my ex only has painted me black. She had a string of ex loves including her ex husband that she would recycle and I had no idea that's what she was doing until I came here and learned about BPD. She wanted to remain friends with me after she was So in love with me one night and the next ended it out of nowhere. I declined her friends request. Anyone  else know about if they are the only ones painted black? I'm 13 months out and still blocked on Facebook.

[lipstick]

Hi Confused108,
I really have no idea how many of my "ex's exes" have been painted black. I do know that it never seems to happen with his spouse. Yes, I was an affair. No, it wasn't supposed to be that way. They've been together now almost 28 years. I believe she is also personality-disordered.

Anyway - I also received a FB Friend Request over a year after I was discarded. Prior to the request? Total Silent Treatment. I was stunned when I saw the notification on FB. I waited for some type of communication from him to explain the friend request. When I didn't accept the request after two days - I was blocked. Been that way ever since as far as I know. I don't check.

So I was then "painted black" for not accepting his Friend Request. However, the spouse never gets "split". They seem to be going strong. I sent a few messages to him via email after I was blocked. Trying to explain myself. Dumb on my part. Of course, they went ignored. More Silent Treatment. And yes - the blocking hurt my feelings. He dumps me, runs away, leaves me in dire financial & emotional turmoil, ignores my messages. Then comes back over a year later and acts like I'm the bad guy for not accepting his Friend Request? And splits ME black? Nutso.

I don't think he paints anyone black (except me) for long periods of time. People seem to easily forgive him. I don't get why the spouse is never split. Perhaps it's because she's also disordered and crazy understands crazy?  

It doesn't bother me anymore. If he hates me - that's his problem. You shouldn't care, either. Let them own their issues.  

[Mutt]

Hi Confused108,

I was split black on and off for several years, the space in between the times that I was split white was growing further and further apart and length of time that I was split white shortened. If you're talking about one final split black, I can relate with that, I was split black from my exuBPDw when I stood up for myself and said that I had enough of the dysfunction after a really borderline rage in our living room.

A pwBPD are absolutely terrified of being alone and a defense mechanism kicked in to protect her ego when I rejected her, it was a complete emotional barrage from her end, it was tough but I think that the members that are split white when the r/s ends have it tougher. I said that because a pwBPD will suddenly become emotionally detached and you won't hear from your ex or the person will keep making attempts at contact or reconciliation. At the time it was very difficult to see because of depression and the marriage fell apart, but in hindsight it gave me the emotional space and distance to mend my wounds. Fast forward to three years after the split I'm slowly being split white, she does try to bait from time to time and I'm mindful when she does and I don't give her attention, I don't want to find myself split black like I was three ago. It's something that is in my control but again I'm mindful with how I communicate with her, specifically I don't try to shame her.

Her attention has slowly moved away from me, I seldom hear from her today because her boyfriend is being split black and the focus shifted over to him. Being split black doesn't happen all at once, same applies for being split white.

[Confused108]

Thanks for the responses guys. My ex painted me black at 15yo. This was 1988. Did not hear from her from 1988 until she found me on Facebook in Feb 2013.
When she sent me the friends request she tried to shrug it off about our relationship back then and we were stupid kids. Then when I stupidly accepted her friends request all she wanted to do was talk about us back then. I always shut her down and never wanted to talk about it. She would get nasty and end the convo. So for 2 1/2 years in Facebook I would keep her at bay when she would contact me. I never ever sent her any private messages or try and contact her in any way. She always initiated the communication. So last June when she contacted me at 12 midnight thru private message she told me she had loved me back then and still did. I stupidly belived her. She also told me back when we were broken up by my mother she said she had to totally disconnect from me to deal with our breakup. I was painted black for over 25 years. Now after her discard of me last Sept she painted me black last October. After this I got fake FB messages, blocked phone calls, and 1 strange email. I just don't get how she can block me and everyone else she recycled over and over and really from my knowledge never got painted black!

[FallBack!Monster]

I few days ago I was reading something online. Before I replied to this I was looking to see if it was still in my history to paste a link here but no luck. I was reading different stories about spouses that wish they never had any attachments with their ex. Like children or childhood same friends. They do not allow their ex husband or wife to completely move on, Ever. Even if they remarrying they still keep the ex husband (the women) with who they had the baby with last name (same pattern for a lot of them) because they only remarried to do what the ex husband or wife did. To get back at the ex for either having baby with someone other than or because the ex dared to try to move on. One man said his ex wife separated from him off & on for 9 long years but kept coming back and forth as if they still had a union but lived in different places (different states, towns & once in another country). Was home for holidays, family vacations and so on.  She told him she needed space but they were still together. All the while she was keeping other relationships but the new relationships did not know about the spouse and the spouse at first didn't know either. That one guy got tired of waiting then moved on. He said its been hell ever since. Women that he's tried to have a life with abandoning him because she keeps popping up in his life every time she sees him happy. He says he only keep contact with her because he feels sorry his children (4) have to be raised by such a selfish, lying, heartless, devil (his words not mine). Another woman said if you're the only one in the world he or she painted black, consider yourself lucky because at least that creep will not destroy everything you've worked for. Her ex had taken her kids, house, mini van for the kids and half of everything she owned but had never contributed financially to the household. I seem to have been painted black. After reading their horror stories I felt better than I did when I woke up this morning.

I hope you see the relevance to your post.

[bus boy]

My xw has people totally split black, she has not talked to in years and never will talk to. Xw would stop talking to me out of the blue than weeks later she would talk to me. When I stood up to her, I was split black for good. For the past 16 months she talks to me like a dog, over night she had a bf and I was split black. How xw was in past r/s's is totally unknown to me. All I know is that I was always told how horrible I was and how good her past bf's were. She never professed her undying love to me, never even told me she loved me. Xw never said anything nice to me, pretty much always treated me like a dog. Ever since she started dating her bf she has  even an absolutely horrible person to me. Even when I was split white xw was devious. I don't know about xw past r/s's but I know that it was mental hell being with her.