Is it the BPD or is she just not a very nice person?

[MdW]

I saw my BPD (ND) ex about a month ago when I turned up at her doorstep unannounced. We parted on reasonable terms and she said she would like to talk again. I invited her to a Goo Goo Dolls concert (which was last night), she said she would see.

About a month went by and I broke NC Thursday asking if she still wanted the ticket. She did not respond. It hurt that she did not simply just say no thank you or something seeing as we were on reasonably good terms. I started missing her terribly as my thoughts started focussing on her again and I wrote her a letter saying I loved and missed her. It was a nice letter. I sent it before it became another letter for the shredder.

She received the letter yesterday. She text me the following:

"Hi, thanks for the offer. I am going tonight but I have a ticket, going with a friend, so I might see you there. I got your letter, maybe in a few weeks we can meet again to talk?"

I'm not sure if cruel is the right word, but I felt that it was. Why would she do that to me? My friends suggested that she is playing mind games, my mother thinks that she simply doesn't care how I feel at all, however I think she is trying to hurt me and being cruel.

I did not see her until the end - when the last song played I noticed her standing about 10 meters away next to me. I went to say hi. We were both tipsy. She looked briefly happy to see me. We both said how nice it was to see each other and how good we looked. The 'friend' was a friend I knew of - I found it odd that she did not tell me it was this friend. Luckily it wasn't a date.

We talked for a while and I asked her if they wanted to go for drinks. She said it was not the place to talk. I said that we did not need to talk, however she insisted she did not want to meet unless we talked. I agreed, but then joked that I'd probably not hear from her again for months. She got annoyed and we had words were I was told how manipulating I am again. I asked her if she still loved me - she did not want to give me a clear answer. She could have just said no. She then told me I had to move on. I find it cruel. I find the silent treatment, the lack of regard for my time, the disrespect and mixed messages cruel.

I feel like it is all a game to her. She knows how much I love her and has no regards for my feelings at all. I don't know if it is the BPD, the anti-depressants or if she is just not a very nice person.

I'm still so deeply in love with her. I want to have complete NC, but I feel like she loves me too. I'm not letting go because of these feelings I am so confident of. I somehow understand her cruelty (not accept), but I just hope that a lot of her behavior is the BPD and that I'm not chasing after a person that is actually not very nice?

How do one distinguish between BPD and someone who is not a good person? How do I know she cannot help it?

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[C.Stein]

How do one distinguish between BPD and someone who is not a good person? How do I know she cannot help it?

I ask myself the same question.  My ex is not a diagnosed BPD to my knowledge.  I discovered the likely BPD link several months after I was introduced to the trashcan.  As I gained clarity I started to question what was potentially due to BPD and what was just her core character.  I don't want to believe she is a bad person because I can see the good within her.  That said, some of the things she did show a lack of respect and caring for me on a fundamental level and this is where I have struggled the most with regard to understanding and acceptance.  

It has been difficult for me to make the distinction between disorder and character because the disorder type behavior is pervasive in all areas of her life.  Some things she has done are clearly disorder driven, others are less clear.  

The first place to start is to learn as much about the disorder that you can.  The traits, related behavior, how it might be expressed as it related to her.  

To that end I recommend starting with the links found in the right bar ----->

[MdW]

Thank you for your response. She just text me that she is not in love with me anymore and that I should move on. I guess this is it for me.

[C.Stein]

Thank you for your response. She just text me that she is not in love with me anymore and that I should move on. I guess this is it for me.

I know how tough that is to hear and how deeply it cuts, I heard those same words.  She is pushing you away in the only way she knows how.  You will find reading other peoples stories that this is typical borderline.  She is abandoning you before you can abandon her.

So where do you want to go from here?

[Panda39]

The thing is, she is a package deal... .a woman with BPD or BPD Traits, so you take one you get the other. It seems to me very hard to separate the two no matter how much you want to.  Her behaviors whether motivated by "her" or by "BPD" are still her behaviors... .her actions.

What you describe in your post sounds like "Push/Pull" to me. Here is a link to more information on Push/Pull.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.00

Push/Pull is a very painful dance and can be really tough on your feelings and self-esteem.  Unfortunately the best way to get off this particular roller coaster is to take yourself out of it... .I know how hard that is when you love someone but this kind of behavior, how she is treating you, is emotionally abusive.

Take Care,
Panda39

[MdW]

Thank you C.Stein, Panda39

Where am I going from here? I'm letting go. Push and pull is one thing, but telling me you don't love me anymore is something else . I took those words seriously. I take love seriously. Knife in, twist, bleed to death. It is over. I tried very hard and I made a lot of effort to understand her and make it work despite the BPD. I did what I could. It was not meant to be.