Can I do this?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm being very honest with myself and have come to the conclusion that I haven't been detaching properly and that really I've just been waiting for him to come back and he isn't coming back. Not in the way I want him to.

It's been over 9 long months now since I ended it. It was so hard to leave him, it took all the strength left in me to do so.  All this time though I've been wanting him to come back and as a result my life has still been on hold for someone who has abused me terribly and isn't going to come back and make it right.

He contacted me a lot at first, blaming, guilting, shaming, manipulating, but I stood my ground. If he wanted me back he had to do something different. I wasn't going to play this game anymore and I'd run out of ideas how to make it better.

Only he hasn't done anything different. He can't or he won't. It hurts because I miss him, but just as quickly I remember something so cruel and I'm in despair. I can never suffer that again. So I have a choice I can go on another 9 months like this, waiting or I can start living again.

Both of our birthdays are coming up. His, the day before mine. I was thinking that maybe this could be the day when I really leave it all behind me. Wish him happy birthday, nothing more, with no expectation of a response or reciprocal message, then go no contact and give myself a chance.

I need to give myself a chance.  I'm still hurting, but I need to take the leap and try.

[Larmoyant]

I'm being very honest with myself and have come to the conclusion that I haven't been detaching properly and that really I've just been waiting for him to come back and he isn't coming back. Not in the way I want him to.

It's been over 9 long months now since I ended it. It was so hard to leave him, it took all the strength left in me to do so.  All this time though I've been wanting him to come back and as a result my life has still been on hold for someone who has abused me terribly and isn't going to come back and make it right.

He contacted me a lot at first, blaming, guilting, shaming, manipulating, but I stood my ground. If he wanted me back he had to do something different. I wasn't going to play this game anymore and I'd run out of ideas how to make it better.

Only he hasn't done anything different. He can't or he won't. It hurts because I miss him, but just as quickly I remember something so cruel and I'm in despair. I can never suffer that again. So I have a choice I can go on another 9 months like this, waiting or I can start living again.

Both of our birthdays are coming up. His, the day before mine. I was thinking that maybe this could be the day when I really leave it all behind me. Wish him happy birthday, nothing more, with no expectation of a response or reciprocal message, then go no contact and give myself a chance.

I need to give myself a chance.  I'm still hurting, but I need to take the leap and try.

[rfriesen]

Hi Larmoyant,

It's painful when we so badly wish a person we care about would change, or be a different person. I hear you.

Both of our birthdays are coming up. His, the day before mine. I was thinking that maybe this could be the day when I really leave it all behind me. Wish him happy birthday, nothing more, with no expectation of a response or reciprocal message, then go no contact and give myself a chance.

Given the rest of your post, and the seeming realisation that you want to detach and move on, that he's not going to change ... .can I ask why you still feel the need to wish him happy birthday at all? You say you want to do it with no expectation of a response. But surely you'll be wondering what his feelings and thoughts are when he sees your message. Given how much this relationship still hurts, won't it be hard not to care whether he responds or not? We often tell ourselves not to have expectations, but it's very hard not to be invested in getting some response when we reach out to someone we love and are still attached to.

[Larmoyant]

Hi rfriesen, I'd feel terribly guilty if I didn't wish him happy birthday. I've seen him so anxious, so down especially around his birthday and the thought of it is incredibly sad. He thinks people don't care about him. Even if he doesn't realise it I loved him very much and want him to know he's being thought of on this day. I would hope that when he sees the message he'll feel cared for. It might not be at that moment as he may be angry with me, or resentful, but his feelings always change and they'll come a moment when he'll absorb the message however fleetingly and I want him to know that I'd thought about him on this day. I want him to know my feelings were real.

I don't quite understand myself on this next part however, and I'm confused, but I wouldn't want him to reciprocate as it would hurt. It would upset me. That's why I thought this would be a good day to finally close the door.

This is the trouble I don't believe the door is closed. The relationship doesn't feel over yet and I sense, although maybe I'm wrong, that I could have him back. It's difficult because it's preventing me from moving on. In some ways I wished he'd been the one to leave, not me. 

[rfriesen]

Hi rfriesen, I'd feel terribly guilty if I didn't wish him happy birthday. I've seen him so anxious, so down especially around his birthday and the thought of it is incredibly sad. He thinks people don't care about him.

I understand, and I know the feeling can cut pretty deep. But do you want to carry this responsibility for his feelings? For how much longer? Just until his birthday, and then you'll be able to set it aside?

This is the trouble I don't believe the door is closed. The relationship doesn't feel over yet and I sense, although maybe I'm wrong, that I could have him back. It's difficult because it's preventing me from moving on.

The door isn't closed because you aren't closing it. That's a difficult step, for sure. If you truly want to detach from this relationship, given the dynamics you describe, you'll have to be the one to close the door and give yourself closure.

In some ways I wished he'd been the one to leave, not me. 

This is perfectly natural. Then you wouldn't have to feel responsible for making the decision to move on. If the relationship was unhealthy and you want to detach, you made the right the decision. The challenge now is to own that decision.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Larmoyant,

This is a wonderful insight that you've expressed. I can relate to the waiting and hoping. It can really keep us stuck. I commend you for wanting to change. It can be a scary thing to do, even as we know it's the best thing for us.

I have to agree with    rfriesen's points. You are assuming that you know what your ex will be feeling around his birthday, and I understand that you know him and have witnessed his past behavior, thus basing your opinion on that. Makes sense. But what about Christmas? What about New Year's? What about today? Perhaps he is feeling despondent, in utter despair at the moment? Or maybe last week, or next month. He has been dealing with his feelings his whole life—before he met you, and since the breakup. It's not about whether you contact him or not, it's about you still wanting to take responsibility for soothing his feelings.

Hasn't it been enough to explore and try to understand your own feelings, let alone his? It seems to me that you are at a point where you have to choose yourself. I know how much it hurts, especially if you feel in choosing to let go that you are somehow abandoning him (I have felt that way, so I'm guessing you might have, too).  But two lost and desperate people do not a whole person make, you know? Someone has to be in your corner, Larmoyant, and unfortunately it's not going to be him. It can only be you.

You can be an example to him of someone who lifted herself out despair, took care of herself, and moved forward. If you are struggling as much as he is, how can he learn from you or have hope that he can do the same?

Help yourself first, Larmoyant. Then those who are ready and want guidance will have another light to follow. 

heartandwhole

[Sadly]

I get you Lar, I feel you. I have been exactly where you are with this except for wishing he had left me instead of me kicking him out. I have read on here so much the unhappiness and confusion of those that were left as you have too. The way to look at it is this. Leaving him, as hard as it was, was your first step to healing, yes, your very first step to putting you first. Be very proud of that. Yes, we have the guilt of knowing it left them sad and lonely but can you remember how sad and lonely we were when we were with them? To me that was worse.
Now, the birthday greeting, you know what I think about this and I believe it is something that for yourself as well as him, you need to do. If you are serious about it being your time to end all this and can manage the feelings it will bring about then you could make the two birthdays your finishing line. That means after your birthday you block completely all lines of communication. It's very hard. You will wonder if he is reaching out, you will worry that he needs you, it will be so hard to do sweetheart and a different type of misery to get through but you will. You know he can't change, it will be a time for reminding yourself by reading your journals and bringing up the bad stuff so that you can stay on track. Be here everyday, be busy, do everything you while time passes. I believe in you Lar I really do. You were strong enough to take the first step of leaving, you will be strong enough to take this next one and here we will all be holding you.
Lots of Love from Sadly    xx

[C.Stein]

That's why I thought this would be a good day to finally close the door.

L, do you think perhaps the best way to close the door here is to NOT extend birthday wishes?  By extending birthday wishes aren't you effectively keeping the door open?

[flourdust]

That's why I thought this would be a good day to finally close the door.

L, do you think perhaps the best way to close the door here is to NOT extend birthday wishes?  By extending birthday wishes aren't you effectively keeping the door open?

I agree with this. The way to close the door is to not wish him happy birthday. Instead, block his phone and email and all social media.

[Skyglass]

Reading your post is like reading myself. I have been months now with NC and our birthdays are coming up and his birthday is a day before mine. I totally hear you and can relate to what you're feeling. I have questioned myself as to how to deal with this and also that longing that they will return to fill the void that they left. Whether you broke it off or your partner broke it off, it doesn't matter. We are all left wondering how to fill the hole, pick up the pieces, have closure and move forward but also want to leave the door cracked open a bit. I believe that this is b/c we expect others that care would do the same for us. But this disorder does not allow our former partners to think the same way people without the disorder would think. And a crack in the door is just a crack. A door shut is just a door shut. It is no longer about them anymore- it is about US.

[bestintentions]

L -

The simple answer is 'yes'.  You can.  And when you choose to, you will.  You were strong enough to leave, you'll be strong enough to take another step.

 

bi

[Larmoyant]

Thank you for these replies. They all make so much sense and I've been pondering them for days.

I'm in a very odd place right now trying to make sense of why my compassion for him seems to override all the abuse and why do I keep putting his feelings before my own?

When he wanted me back (quite a few recycles) he seemed so desperate it was painful to witness and I just feel an almost overwhelming sense of sorrow for him. Maybe it's because I can relate to it in some way. I have abandonment issues of my own. When my much loved father left I set about trying to take away my mother's pain probably in an attempt to resolve my own and maybe that's what I'm trying to do now. I am a helper by nature, good or bad, I intuit peoples feelings and help. It's just a part of who I am. I don't know how to change it.

I keep reminding myself of all the cruelty and chaos which gives me strength and resolve only to start feeling sorry for him again. He's very good at guilting me, he tells me that I left him when he was unwell, that I don't care, that I never loved him because I didn't help with his injured wrist, that I abandoned him when his father was dying, and once, he sent me a text saying he'd fallen through the bathroom window and was laying on the floor all alone wondering where I was. It was a horrible feeling as if I'd cruelly shut the door on him. I can relate to this as my own father did it, just left us, never to return so I understand the anguish he might feel given he's afraid of abandonment except I didn't want to leave him. He sabotaged us, treated me terribly, and pushed me away. 

Can anyone else relate? And, do you think this is the reason why I'm still finding it difficult to move on?

[foggydew]

Thanks for starting this thread, L, it has helped me too. I ask myself much the same questions about compassion and abuse ... .and I think it is something we learned in childhood. It also seems to be in Christian values to some extent (turn the other cheek). I'm not even sure if we need to change it so much - just realise where it is not applicable.
Your ex seems to be very good at emotional blackmail, to put it bluntly, and knows which buttons to press to get a result. My late husband had this trait at the beginning of our relationship, and I learned not to react at all to it (which was very difficult). He stopped using it then - but I even signed myself out of hospital often enough to go and 'save' him.
I understand your feeling of sorrow, too. I feel so sorry for my BPD person and his life. But I can't change it. I still want to be there for him, but first I have to get myself on my feet so well that I am not emotionally dependent in any way. And my measure of this is also to think of the most hurtful things and to realise this is what he is too, hurtful, mean, sadistic. Only when I can deal with this stuff and think of him as a child will I be able to cope. And our BPD people have been using their coping strategies their whole life, managing at least as well as we have. Sometimes it seems a bit arrogant when I think I know better or that I can 'help'.

[Larmoyant]

Hi foggy, what you wrote makes sense. I'm still emotionally dependent on him, although not nearly so much these days, but I'm still scared to go it alone again, although I was alone and doing really well before meeting him. My confidence is gone.

oh dear though, I hope I'm not being arrogant. It could well be. Maybe me not wanting him to feel hurt or abandoned is self-serving in some way, in that perhaps I want him to help me as well so I don't feel so hurt. Like I did with my mother perhaps. Maybe by trying to help him I've been trying to help myself. Or maybe by focusing on his problems I'm pushing mine away. I don't know I'm running myself in circles here trying to figure out whats keeping me from closing the door. Maybe there are lots of reasons.

All I know right now is that he gets very down on his birthday and it's very difficult to ignore it. A friend said  today that he's got others to take care of him and almost certainly a new girlfriend or two by now. I get it, but I still feel the need to send a message. I still have a week or so to think it through. Whether I send it or not I want to feel ok within myself so it's not all about his feelings. It's my feelings about who I am as a person as well. I'm hoping that when our birthdays are over I can start a new page in my life. Or am I kidding myself?

[foggydew]

I agree totally with wanting to feel good about yourself, with wanting to continue to be the person you always are. I have the same. My grandmother had a little rhyme that I took as a motto ... 'I have to live with myself, and so
                                       I want to be fit for myself to know
                                       I don't want to stand in the setting sun
                                       And hate myself for the things I've done'.
I think this helps your self respect. But at the same time I think it is important not to give our BPD people the opportunity to hate themselves, too. So if you send your ex good wishes (for your own sake) you have to be strong enough not to let him use it as a hook for more unpleasant contact. Only you can know if you can do it... I think it does hold dangers. My BPD person is now throwing out hooks to me on social media, and I have not responded. Later, maybe, but not now. I'm not detached enough.
Mine also gets despondent when he is alone - but he actually makes sure that no-one really likes him. He hurts everybody except the ones he wants to reel in at the present moment.

[flourdust]

It seems to me that you are reacting not to his actual feelings (of being hurt and abandoned and in need of comfort) but to your own projection of what his feelings must be in order for you to step in as a comforter. You have constructed a mental image of him as a suffering, helpless entity that you can rescue, who will recognize your heroism with gratitude and empathy.

Many members here who are struggling with detachment have fantasy scenarios where their ex gets "better" and either loves them or gives them satisfying closure by taking the blame. Your scenario is the same sort of construct. 

[lovenature]

I'm in a very odd place right now trying to make sense of why my compassion for him seems to override all the abuse and why do I keep putting his feelings before my own?

I am also a caretaker and have spent many years putting others ahead of myself; when you are able to find the answer to the above quote, you will be able to detach and move on. I can tell you that when I realized my FOO issues contributing to my co-dependency, it was extremely painful; I am still working through it.

I know how much you want to do the right thing by reaching out for his birthday, but it will only cause more pain for both of you; he will still think an attachment is there with you, and you will likely end up responding to his attempts to recycle, and prolong your recovery.

Really think about what you have lived and learned, then decide if contact is what is best for both of you.