Hi insightful88,
She is lucky to have someone kind and loving, and understanding to care about her.
She likely has such weak boundaries that ignoring you or using distance is her default strategy to regulate strong feelings. It isn't a great coping mechanism, and it may be the only one she has.
BPD often means having an unstable sense of self, and that can mean having no boundaries, which is scary. That makes it hard to assert her needs so she skitters away because that is a behavior she has control over.
People with BPD are all different so it's not surprising that she might not delete you on social media or block your number.
When she pulls away, it's likely because her feelings are on overdrive and in her own way, she is trying to control her chaotic world. The best thing you can do is to be friendly and gentle with her -- try to not get your own emotional needs met ("I need to talk to you" and recognize she is probably in a downward shame spiral, feeling bad about hurting you.
What she probably needs in that moment is to know that you are emotionally strong enough to weather her storm, and won't hate her for being so inconsistent. People with BPD very easily feel bad about feeling bad, and can use the external environment to steady themselves. If you remain steady, it may help her surf off that energy and manage the same.
Thank you so much for the prompt and kind response.
Well, unfortunately, when she cut me off out of the blue about four months ago I texted her three times repeatedly over two weeks begging her to speak with me. Then I found these forums shortly thereafter, did a ton of research, and halted all of this, realizing that it would only push her away more.
I ran into her about a month later and she was the kindest she could have been. When I saw her this time I also apologized for the way I had acted the month prior (when I messaged her multiple times). I told her that I was just worried about her and was sorry. I truly have changed since, which she can clearly see by my anything-other-than-frantic behavior since then. She forgave me immediately and also apologized for not responding to me, admitting her own fault. This time was also when she offered we grab dinner soon, but when I followed up a few days later, she disappeared once again.
Since then, I sent her a letter months later telling her that I will always love and care for her regardless of whatever happened between us. I also told her that it is only in my best wishes for us to be able to continue again one day. I figured a letter was appropriate since it isn't direct contact and something truly genuine.
We have spoken once since then, where she offered to speak again, then she bolted (again).
I think a lot of this has to do with her feeling that she isn't ready for me, which was a common theme throughout our relationship. She always spoke about how she was petrified and intimidated by commitment and I know she would never come back only to be a wrecking ball again.
I just often get very nervous thinking that one time I weakened five months ago and messaged her repeatedly is enough to drive her away forever, but then I guess not since we have had favorable interactions since?
I just hope I played my cards right. She is truly a remarkable person who simply had to deal with a lot of trauma in her early life and I know I could care for her in ways that no one else could. I can only hope that one day I am given the chance to again
