I think I gave her the excuse

[Hmcbart]

Last night I got baited into the argument.  It is still about us having time alone.  I didn't think the first time she brought it up would happen and low and behold I was correct.  She found a reason not to. We talked this Sunday I I told her how I didn't expect it to happen because I no longer believe her when she tells me she needs affection and sex as much as I do.

So last night she tells me that we talked about plans to go away this weekend because I took off all next week.  We never had this discussion. We only talked about why we wouldn't be able to.

She informed me last night that she had spoken to a therapist Tuesday after our conversation Sunday about my not showing emotion and protecting myself.  She said the therapist said she should make the plans to go away even if I tell her I don't want to. She said she asks the therapist what happens if we don't have sex and I will get upset.  She then says the therapist told her that we need time alone together and if sex doesn't happen that's ok.  Then she says that if the only reason I want to go away with her is for sex... .

I cut her off at that point. It's been 8 months since we've had sex. I need that from her to help me connect because the affection and intimate conversation is almost non existent.  I've also learned from years of experience when she starts talking this way she is already looking for an excuse to get out of having sex.  I got upset and told her that I did not want to spend time alone with her and especially if it involved sex then I walked out and went to get dog food.  I was upset and needed to get away.

I came back and apologized for getting upset and for saying what I did.  The damage is done now.  I pretty much gave her the excuse to not have sex. I confirmed it this morning when I spoke to her before I left for work. She let me know that she didn't deserve what I had said last night and how she was trying to be with me and build that connection.

I don't have any idea what to say at this point. I'm trying to limp by on the limited amounts of affection and I refuse to cheat. If you've read any of my other posts you know I'm at the bottom by this point.  I tried to offer an olive branch of peace this morning and said I still wanted to go away for a night with her.  I know if we do it will most likely end in disappointment for me. How do I try to act excited about being with her and spending time alone when I don't believe my needs will be considered.

  She says she needs that connnection first but I've tried it that way for years. I will spend months working on helping her feel connected and then she can have a bad dream about me or get upset at her mom or anything really and she splits me black and it's back to square one again.  I've tried to explain this many times but it is forgotten by the time I get up the nerve to ask for sex again. 1-2 times a year isn't enough to keep me connected anymore.  How to I stay connected while being neglected most of the year.  I'm at the end of my rope here.  I really want to believe in her but now I feel like I'm just trying to get through the end of the year.

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[Lockjaw]

That's tough. I went over 7 years with no sex, but it was my choice. My first wife, who I am convinced was BPD was all about not having sex. She didn't seem to understand that if she wanted me to talk to her and be connected, she had to also connect with me in a way that I needed too.

She used to get an attitude and say she wanted a bigger diamond. I was like, well you know what you gotta do. I wasn't being unreasonable, just wanted 1 time a week.

Here's a great one. We did try to have kids. After a couple years of no luck, at once a month, she comes home the night before my Bday with a script from her DOC for me to get a sperm count. So me, being the naive person that I am, make an appt with a urologist and go down there. He asks me why I am there and I tell him. He examines me and says everything looks ok. I said, evertying is, I just need to have sex more than 1 time a month. So he says, well, I will need a sample, and leaves and has the nurse bring me a cup.

So I figured, incorrectly I might add, that they would have "something" I could look at to kinda help a brother out, right? No such luck. I took one for the team, and it was rough in a busy doctors office, but I emerged proudly with my cup.

He comes back and says, well, you were right, you need to bang more. She was not pleased with my report.

I think I might be inclined to order a fleshlight, and just let her know so she isn't surprised if she finds it.

[Hmcbart]

Nice, I never did a sperm count test but I did get a vasectomy after we decided to not have any more kids.  She also said it would make her feel more at ease with having sex more.  I go in and get the procedure and the doc says I need to have sex about 30-40 times then do a test to make sure it worked. That was 7 years ago and I'm about 20-30 times shy of needing to go back for the follow test. I figure I will need to go back in 20 years.  Maybe get it done as part of my retirement check up.

[Lockjaw]

My GF says that my wife wasn't into me. She says if a chick is into a guy, she will have sex with him a lot. I think she has a better understanding of what guys need.

What does your wife really like? What makes her feel really connected to you? My GF wants me to listen to her, and do things with her. I can't just go on the assumption we will go out tomorrow night. I need to ask her out. Then I need to touch her through out the "date". It can't be like groping touch, but I can play with her butt or cop a feel of a boob. It just needs to be more sensual. I usually hold her hand in the car, or walking around. I always stay on the outside if we walk down a side walk, and of course I open doors for her.

She likes me to draw little post it note pictures that say I love you and send them to her. Just little things like that. I used to call and leave her voice mail at her job too.

Maybe there are a few things you could ease into gradually that would soften her up? If not, then tell her you are getting a fleshlight. 

[Hmcbart]

Thanks for the ideas. I have tried them all unfortunately.  Copping a feel will get my hand slapped even in private.  I stopped asking her out on dates after being turned down almost every time in the last few years.  She will say she wants me to talk to her but when I try I get pushed away.  I will come and sit with her to watch what ever she is watching on the tv and get asked why I'm sitting here and that I don't need to be with her to watch tv.  I usually get up and leave shortly after.  Even a few months ago we were out at the state fair with the kids. She reached for my hand and I pulled away. It's so foreign to me now I don't know how to react to it.  I want to hold her hand and be with her but the fear of when it goes away is so great I can't find the strength to do it.  I am more afraid of the good times now than I am of the bad.  You don't know when they're coming and you're usually starting to feel good about things then BAM. You're evil and she doesn't want anything to do with you again.

The fleshlight is going to be my Christmas present to me.