my soul has been crushed by friend with BPD

[jammit123]

Hi everyone.  I'm hoping to find a supportive forum to help me heal deep wounds from a friend with BPD.  I'm 99% sure that's what I'm dealing with here.  I'm writing to help myself and to share my story with others.  ANY words of encouragement welcome!

This friend whom I will refer to as SC is my daughter's soccer coach.  Unfortunate now that we have that tie to our relationship because it would be 20x easier to walk away but my daughter loves her and soccer.  Anyway, SC and I developed a very nice soulful friendship.  I genuinely love SC and the similarities between us were astounding.  But the friendship was rocky from the start.  I could never understand why she was SO inconsistent with contact.  There was never any balance.  I was mainly the initiator and just getting SC out for coffee or a walk or any other thing friends do was a major ordeal.  All SC did was work.  She is married, so am I.  I have kids.  She does not.  And yet when we did see each other socially it was always pleasant with deep spiritual conversations.  She was my soul-sister, felt convinced.  The emotional attachment is there, I won't lie.  Felt stuck on a roller coaster of emotional ups and downs in this friendship as her hot and cold, push me, pull me ways continued.  I believed in her wounded heart and trusted her with personal stuff.  Mistake

I offered SC tons of encouragement, support and love throughout the course of our 2 year friendship.  EVERYTHING was a crisis.  One after the other.  I even offered her professional services for free.  I genuinely cared for this woman.  The maternal side of me wanted to comfort her because even though she was several years older than me, she was much like an adult child.  I gave so much.  I trusted.  I loved.  I always try to follow my heart and soul and live my life with kindness and compassion for all.  It's just who I am.  

It was very difficult at times to not take the behaviors personally.  I never knew whether she distanced herself from me because she was afraid of letting me in or whether it was unrelated to me.  She would never communicate with me to let me know.  Just cut in and out, expecting me to know everything she was thinking, feeling, going through in life without every telling me.

So one day after feeling enormously frustrated I couldn't hold back from expressing my hurt feelings.  Had barely seen or heard from her over several months and so there were some MILDLY harsh words exchanged over email.  Next day I receive a very cold email from her stating that she was ending the friendship.  No explanation.  Nothing.  She then would not respond to phone calls, texts, or emails.  She would not see me in person.   I, being, the big communicator of feelings tried to rectify the situation by apologizing, explaining why i had been feeling hurt.  Nothing.

Unfortunately, I still have to see her at soccer practice.  I tried to be civil, warm.  Figured if we can't be friends we could still be cordial at soccer.  She remained stone cold.  Like I was not the same person who sat on a log comforting her while she was deeply depressed.  Like I was not the same person who shared giggles over drinks.  I was gone, in her mind.  Black.  :)evalued.

I couldn't take the coldness anymore as the emails regarding soccer were like constant reminders of the pain she has caused me.  Now, my husband has taken over.  Through this, I accidentally hurt her and sent a card as an apology.  I again, just wanted peace between us.  I live by that principle:  peace, love, happiness.  Call me a hippie if you will.  She used the card against me in an email to my husband.  Requesting I never contact her again--on ANY level.

Never ever have I felt so crushed spiritually and emotionally.  SC, I no longer know who you are.  I had faith in your heart.  I reached out.  I cared.  I loved.  You?  You threw my beautiful soul in the garbage and washed your hands clean.  I don't know that I am capable of this type of forgiveness.  My biggest offense was caring too much and wanting to see you.

Thank you for reading.  I just don't know how to heal.  My spirit is darkened and my faith in love is tainted.  Where do I go from here?  Thank you.

[empty-reflection]

Hi - I am rather new here myself and you and I seem to have a lot in common.  I am about 3 weeks into a silent treatment from a woman I considered my best friend.  We texted and emailed 50 times a day so we became part of each others lives, although we live thousands of miles apart.  I have my own thread a bit down.  It has been extremely hard for me, as well.  I have days of feeling ok and I accept the situation with my head held high AND then I have some days, like today, where I am hurt and confused again.  It comes in waves.

I know that 'No contact' is the way to go.  Deep down I know this but my heart struggles with the stark fact that we may never talk again.  Once I make the decision to block her on facebook, she will become a permanent loss and I will have to endure.  It is also torturing me... .I'm glad that I know she is alive by her online activity (often suicidal) but at the same time, it doesn't give me the space from her to heal myself.  I cannot tell if she has not blocked me for sinister reasons like punishment because I (unintentionally) hurt her OR if she is processing and doesn't know what to say, but wants to keep me close because she knows I'm a good 'supply' and she realizes most people don't have the capability or patience so she'll need a fall back plan. 

Anyway, I am still working through this so I understand... .I just wanted to say that.

[jammit123]

Empty-reflection, I can't find the post you mention in your response telling your story.  I would love to hear more.  Thank you for sharing and it does sound like we're in the same boat.  Funny thing is that I think SC thinks that I'M the one who has BPD and is trying NC with me.  Sure maybe when I was a teen I could have met the criteria but I do not now.  I can be a tad needy with friends but that's as far as it goes. 

Hope today has been a healing day!  I'm dealing with anger.

[empty-reflection]

My thread was in the other section ( Conflicted or Deciding About a Relationship >  BPD Friend - Do I go No contact or not?)... .I tend to wander so I apologize for the bad directions.  Today is a good day or so it seems.  It definitely comes in waves.  I wish there was a way to cut out the part of my mind that knew her.  This is all non-nonsensical really... .I'm having more emotional detachment issues to her than I would a romantic relationship.  She brought out something in me that I didn't know was there so it's very hard to let that go.  My rational mind KNOWS that it is very toxic and nothing good will ever come of it but at the same time she was such an important part of my life, that it's hard to release. 

I find myself compartmentalizing all her 'bad' traits because 'she's mentally ill and can't help it' so I'm giving the excuse to myself to be strong/noble and be the friend that will 'wait'.  I have moments of anger but mostly it is hurt.  I miss her and I loved her and the fact the I am nothing now, is hard to grasp.  Yeah, check out my thread.  We can commiserate together. 

[lovenature]

You keep reading and learning about this awful disorder.
A PWBPD needs to mirror people to give them a sense of self and feel like they exist, problem is when you get too close they fear engulfment and then abandonment. Sadly their disorder causes their worst fear to become reality.
I know how confusing and painful it is to love someone and get closer to them, only to be hurt and pushed away the more you try.
There is no possible way that anyone who hasn't lived being with a PWBPD could ever fathom it.

Take it one day at a time, and look after you and your family.