so many questions

[jwanh]

hi I am married to a person who I believe has BPD.  I dont know where to start and relating the events of the last 8 years seems to much. I was given the book Stop Walking on Egg Shells and it was like reading about my life.  I have done everything I can think of to get help.  Talked to Pastors, put him in jail, packed up and left, kicked him out and it seems hopeless.  The pastors either question me on my duties and a Godly wife, treat me like I must be making this stuff up or just wash their hands of it all together.  the one time I was able to get him to court ordered counceling he got angry and accused the counselor of ganging up on him and refused to go back.  is there any hope what success stories are there?  Is this what the rest of my life will be like if I stay?  what about my children?  where do I turn?  Please someone just say something helpful!  I'm desperate!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

Hi and welcome!

This is a hard disorder for people who haven't been through it to understand. But there are many people here who have- and we believe you!

What ages are you kids? Are you currently living with him?

[livednlearned]

Hi jwanh,

Setting boundaries with a loved one who has none is an act of love.

Lacking any boundaries (a key problem for someone with BPD) means that we have to create them. When he dysregulates and becomes abusive, he may eventually tip into a tender cycle and feel bad about feeling bad, a downward spiral.

Protecting yourself (setting boundaries) is a way to prevent him from feeling worse about himself.

There are success stories here. And there is a book called Beyond Borderline that includes stories of BPD sufferers currently in some stage of treatment, who consider themselves to be living lives worth living.

It takes tremendous strength to not be emotionally injured in a BPD relationship. You have to put yourself first, and that can be difficult and counter-intuitive. You have to set boundaries (and use communication skills like validation) out of love and be willing to step into what can often feel like a parent role.

It's not easy. You need support.

We're here to walk with you.

LnL

[Mecaco]

Hello Jwanh!

many of us are in the same boat and many (like me!) are new here as well.  I have been seeing a counselor because of the arguments that my wife and I have.  Normally they start at midnight and last until 2-3am.  They almost always are full of degrading hurtful comments, bringing up things I have done to offend her over the past 6 years. Often they have become physical where I am hit with objects.  The first time I was hit (broken nose) I called the police because I wanted to leave and she wouldn't let me.  We had a 2 year old and a newborn at home and I needed to escape.  we were in Arizona and they have a statute that says if they are called, and if domestic disputes are involved, someone has to go to jail.  she went to jail.  I dropped all charges 2 days later.  Ever since she goes back to that and illustrates how her going to jail was my fault.  to this day it is my fault because I was doing everything in my power to destroy her.  Fast forward to 2016.  In july it got physical again and she was threatening to leave with the kids out of state with comments that I would not see them again.  I contacted an attorney to ask how do I slow her down because I did not want to call the police.  he said get a restraining order and to file a divorce petition.  I did so.  I dropped all actions again 2 days later.  Ever since she goes back to showing this more recent incident was my fault and again how she cant trust me because  I am doing everything I can to destroy her.

We tried co counseling once for one session maybe 3 years ago and she stopped because she thought the counselor and I were ganging up on her.  she states she wont return to co counseling because I will only manipulate the counselor against her.  We continue to fight and often times when kids can hear and be of witness.

My kids are now 5 and 3.  they are being impacted.  I am and have been determined to stay for them regardless of my own feelings.

however my counselor also pointed out that by doing so we are emotionally abusing our kids and it took me awhile to grasp that and come to a point where I realize things has to change.  It is greedy of me to want to stay for the kids.  It only shows my own codependency issues where I am willing to put up with the verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. 

I also have read the book stop walking on egg shells, also the high conflict couple (by fruzzetti) and loving someone with borderline personality disorder (by manning).

For me this isn't about being Godly (I have seen the pastor as well);  This isn't about trying to make her do anything in particular;  this is now about me, how I maintain my own mental and emotional health, and how I set up boundaries and limits so that if an eruption takes place, and if it passes a predetermined threshold, that I exit temporarily so that I don't expose myself to the mess.  This is also about learning how to diffuse arguments earlier while maintaining self respect and increase my own resiliency so that I don't have to feel like I have to defend, justify, or explain. 

Some of the other people here are much better at giving advice than I am and I would encourage you to listen to what they have to say.

By the way, I am 50 yrs old, I am a Male, and my wife and I are both highly degreed professionals.  This "problem" affects every demographic.