Extent of Mirroring

[Willis002]

I've been think back at my relationship and I don't really remember much of her copying me. Like she had her own interests and things she felt strongly about. We had similar taste in things. I'm asking is there a change my ex might not have mirrored me or she mirrored just a little bit. She definitely is her own person. She has all of the traits of someone with BPD and yes she was diagnosed. I'm also curious if people who are high functioning can continue the act after their symptoms have subsided. I feel like my ex could be playing a game at this point until she is ready to comeback. I believe she's enjoying the single life will come back soon because she will become bored. We broke up for no reason and made up a ton of lies about me.

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[VitaminC]

Hi Willis,

There's a good discussion on mirroring here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=58298.0

I don't feel my ex so much copied me as quashed his own reactions to things and watched mine with delight and appreciation. He didn't pretend to be interested in the same things as I was, but showed a greater than average  curiosity about my interests. He was extremely attuned to the slightest sign of boredom from me, and would double his efforts to be 'interesting' or just clam up and continue to monitor me carefully.

Later on, when things got worse between us, he began to reveal with a kind of bravado the kinds of things he was interested in. Some, of course, we had shared, but other things were surprising for me; his propensity to watch certain kinds of films, to drink far too much, to soothe himself with some other very bad habits. I realised that I had, up until a certain point, been dealing with a carefully curated version of himself. One that was misleading, not because he actively made himself into something he was not, but because he left out a lot of other pertinent details. The sin of omission. 

I am not sure what you mean by: "I'm also curious if people who are high functioning can continue the act after their symptoms have subsided." Can you explain?

[Willis002]

I find you situation to be helpful. What I mean by this is if some with BPD is high functioning can they continue to keep up the act after their disordered symptoms subside. I feel my ex wants to enjoy the single life a little longer. She isn't dating but just hooking up with a friend. I feel like she says certain thing as an act to keep me away in the mean time. She is quiet borderline and who is high functioning. She is very smart and is aware of what her BPD does to her. She now looking back was warning me. She said she has done similar things to all her close friends and then things got better. She didn't talk to her best friend for a year. I 100% believe she is come back sometime soon... .

[Curiously1]

She didn't mirror me in a sense of having the exact same interests. She wasn't even that fascinated about them. I was more focused on getting to know her and her interests.
She mirrored my behaviour/attitude/vibe though. I'd like to think of myself as a positive optimistic person.
I smile and laughed a lot. I was playful in my relationship and loved to take her out to places. She mirrored that back to me. She mirrored my positive qualities and I liked seeing them in someone else. She was always excited, she laughed a lot more and smiled a lot more when she was with me. She associated me with a lot of positive feelings and told me I was very addictive and that she felt high when around me. With that said, I could tell if she was lying or secretly seeing someone else because she mirrored the replacement as well. Some things changed. She would say things that the replacement would say etc. how the replacement would react etc. It's subtle but something I picked up.

[beggarsblanket]

I'll have to think about this more. I only learned about mirroring recently, months after the relationship was over. It's hard to say how much of her behaviour was mirroring, but one thing comes to mind: she imitated me in how she treated her family. She tends to be dismissive toward them, but she adopted my habit of showing, not saying, that someone matters to me.

[flourdust]

I 100% believe she is come back sometime soon... .

It seems to me that you've been clinging to this dream for a while, ever since you started posting here. When you post, you're usually fishing for reassurance that she'll come back to you so you can live happily ever after.

I don't think anyone here believes that this is realistic, based on all of our experience and knowledge. If it turns out you have been fooling yourself, will you be crushed and depressed when she doesn't come back? What can you do to build up your own strength to prepare for that disappointment and loss?

[Willis002]

I'm positive she will turn up. Please don't negative. There's many factors that lead to what I believe. I don't feel like going into detail. I'm in a good place now and either way ill be fine!

I honestly can see where she would have mirrored me. Honestly she has a strong opinion and personality. Only thing I did notice is she wanted to do things I wanted to do. I never really did any hobbies of hers with her. We had things in common such as watching scary movies and netflix a lot. That was one of our things or going to drive in movies. We liked to drive around and go on walks together. I don't see a lot of mirroring. She told me all the things she was looking for and I fit the bill. I think everything happened is because she fears commitment and things got too strong for her. The break up was for no reason and with the information I have I'm just worrying about myself. We will see if she comes back, but if I was a betting man I would put $100 on it.

[flourdust]

I think you're determined to believe that, no matter the evidence.  Can I ask why you are so hung up on a relationship that only lasted three months? That's very short, more of a quick fling. Are you very young? Was this your first relationship?

[Willis002]

I'm 28 and no this isn't my first relationship. It's because everything was fine until this all happened. I believe in second chances. A lot of people have given up on her. I don't want to be one of those people. You can think what you want to think, but I have a lot of factual information of why I believe she will show up soon. Yes, there is no guarantee. I'm not that foolish, but with what I know and there's 4 things that I have lead me to this conclusion. I believe she will be back sometime in the next 2-4 months.