BPD MIL

[Eggshells20]

I'm new to the site and so happy to find a place with others who are experiencing similar challenges with a family member who has BPD. My husband and I have been struggling with my MIL since we got engaged. He's been struggling with her for much longer but unfortunately it got much worse when I came into his life. For a long time, it tore us apart because she would lie about something I said (or he said) and try to get in between us. We would fight all the time. Why would either of us think she would lie? Especially at such an exciting time in our lives. Beyond the lies, there was manipulation, the constant talking down to me, never saying sorry for the verbally abusive things she would say to us, never being able to admit or even recognize when she was wrong. We lived like this, in the dark, feeling defeated for years. Eventually it became too much to handle.

I've always struggled with anxiety, but never like this. I couldn't eat or sleep. It was affecting my health, my work, my social life, my everything. My husband hated the fact that his mom was the cause of this. He wanted to cut ties with her awhile back but I couldn't live with myself if my husband didn't have a relationship with his mom. In my mind, it would be because of me that they didn't talk. I mean everyone else could have a relationship with their crazy MILs, why couldn't I handle this? I started seeing a psychologist, and after sharing all my stories, she smiled and just said 'it is not you'. She believed my MIL had BPD and as she explained the mental illness, I couldn't believe how much it paralleled my MILs behavior.

Since then, we've discovered other family members (on my husbands dad side) have been struggling with my MIL for years. No one was talking to each other because we all thought we were the only ones dealing with this and it would sound crazy to the other person. She is a master at being delightful, seemingly kind and caring when she needs to be. So why would people believe us? Thankfully, the knowledge that it was a mental illness, one that she couldn't help without treatment, and the fact that others understood what we were going through, really helped. We recently learned that my FIL knows what she's doing and knows she manipulative him, but he is afraid of what will happen when she "wakes up and realizes how much she's hurt the people she loves" - so he goes along with it. He will agree with her lies to keep the peace I suppose.

I am a main target for her. My husband can do no wrong, so when anything goes wrong, it's me - even with no communication. We've been mainly out of communication with her for 2 years, but holidays, birthdays, graduations and funerals do arise and the occasional visit is inevitable. The truth is after all these years of her behavior toward me directly, even the thought of her brings anxiety on. I shake and forgot how to speak. It typically effects me for days before I know I have to see her and days after. So how do I manage these infrequent visits without the constant anxiety? Also how do I separate the feeling of sadness and sorrow for this woman who is living in what I know must be her own hell and the feeling that she is toxic to me and I don't want her in my life.

I understand mental illness, I've struggling with anxiety... I understand it's beyond your control at times and I pray for my MIL. I can't shake the feeling of feeling like we're not doing enough to help her. We're trying to get pregnant so my doctor and my husband believe the focus should be on keeping me healthy and calm. But, why can't I shake this feeling of guilt? After all she's done to me? She's lied to her friends, neighbors, and family about me. If I ever stand in the same room as them, I can tell they think I'm a terrible person. I HATE that feeling. I'm a good person with a good heart and it hurts when people think I am the monster she makes me out to be.

It's hard to believe that we'll always have this in our lives. Unless she gets help (which she doesn't believe she needs obviously), we will live with this constant fear of her behavior. What will we do when we have kids?

Anyway, that's my story in a nutshell. Felt good to get some of that out!

[koseligb]

I'm sorry to hear you've been dealing with this. It's important to draw boundaries with her (which is difficult - we are struggling with a similar situation). My mom is the uBPD in my life, and my husband has been a target for her since we started dating. He also deals with anxiety and depression, and it's been really hard on him, and on us as a couple. We came to the realization that we need to prioritize what's best for us as a couple first, before anything else.

  You aren't alone! Welcome!

[Kwamina]

Hi Eggshells20

Your MIL's behavior is really affecting you. I have two undiagnosed BPD family-members and can relate to the anxiety you feel. Dealing with a person with BPD can definitely be quite challenging and stressful.

I started seeing a psychologist, and after sharing all my stories, she smiled and just said 'it is not you'. She believed my MIL had BPD and as she explained the mental illness, I couldn't believe how much it paralleled my MILs behavior.

I can imagine this experience being extremely validating and quite possibly also very surreal hearing your MIL's behavior so accurately described like that within the context of BPD.

Also how do I separate the feeling of sadness and sorrow for this woman who is living in what I know must be her own hell and the feeling that she is toxic to me and I don't want her in my life.

Perhaps another way to look at it is that you do not have to separate anything. Both these things can be true and valid at the same time. We can care for the people with BPD in our lives without taking care of them. We can care for the people with BPD in our live, while also keeping our distance and being mindful of our own well-being. Being abused and constantly worrying about the next verbal attack isn't a pleasant way to live your life. I agree with koseligb that boundaries are indeed very important when dealing with someone who has BPD. Do you generally feel comfortable setting boundaries with people? Do you feel you have the right to set boundaries and make your own well-being your main priority?

I can't shake the feeling of feeling like we're not doing enough to help her. We're trying to get pregnant so my doctor and my husband believe the focus should be on keeping me healthy and calm. But, why can't I shake this feeling of guilt?

Whether your MIL changes or not, is ultimately up to her and not something you can control. What you can control is your own behavior and how you respond to her. Especially considering your baby plans, it indeed would be wise to be mindful of your health.

Feeling guilty is something many of our members struggle with. However, to quote Pete Walker, Feeling guilty does not mean I am guilty. He then goes on to say "I refuse to make my decisions and choices from guilt; sometimes I need to feel the guilt and do it anyway. In the inevitable instance when I inadvertently hurt someone, I will apologize, make amends, and let go of my guilt. I will not apologize over and over. I am no longer a victim. I will not accept unfair blame. Guilt is sometimes camouflaged fear. – “I am afraid, but I am not guilty or in danger”."

Are you familiar with the concept of FOG which stands for fear, obligation and guilt? Here's a short description:

... .fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

Do you feel like this concept applies to your own situation with your MIL? You can read more here:
Fear, Obligation And Guilt: How We Allow Loved Ones To Control Us

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