My girlfriend has BPD, and this is my first post.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello,

I'm new here. I hoped that I might learn more about how I can be a good friend and supportive partner to my girlfriend without being victimized. She has undiagnosed BPD. I studied this in college and I could literally check off every box in a list of BPD indicators. I feel bad for her, but I also know it's not her fault and she's worth the extra effort. I can't get her to the Dr. but I can get some support for myself, which is what I am seeking here.

I don't mind being the (proverbial) whipping boy if it eases her burden, but I'm hoping to set some boundaries that allow me to live a a happier life, and by extension help her have a better life too.

So, those are my goals. I'm pleased to have found this forum. I hope to have found a safe place to talk with others.

Happy holidays from Virginia (USA)

 

[standbyguy]

Hello,

I'm new here. I hoped that I might learn more about how I can be a good friend and supportive partner to my girlfriend without being victimized. She has undiagnosed BPD. I studied this in college and I could literally check off every box in a list of BPD indicators. I feel bad for her, but I also know it's not her fault and she's worth the extra effort. I can't get her to the Dr. but I can get some support for myself, which is what I am seeking here.

I don't mind being the (proverbial) whipping boy if it eases her burden, but I'm hoping to set some boundaries that allow me to live a a happier life, and by extension help her have a better life too.

So, those are my goals. I'm pleased to have found this forum. I hope to have found a safe place to talk with others.

Happy holidays from Virginia (USA)

 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Violeta]

hey standbyguy, and welcome!

i came here for the same reasons as you... .bf with undiagnosed BPD, what i would describe as a textbook definition... .

i too went into it thinking i could handle it- i'm supportive and patient and logical, why not? but it does take it's toll if you don't take care of yourself. i've finally graduated from a place of feeling helpless and depressed to finding confidence and clarity. i was able to get to this place by constantly immersing myself in literature, reading message boards like this, talking with friends, and ultimately accepting that he has a disorder i cannot control.

after the first episode when i first realized he might be BPD, i stopped thinking about it as soon as he came back above ground, as soon as that first episode ended. everything i read, everything i understood went out the window. i got emotionally reactive to his emotional reactiveness. i tried to fight feeling with logic and reason, and it only made things worse. i learned that in order to be an effective partner, i need to be reminded of it constantly. i need to keep talking to others about it, to a therapist, a close friend, keep reading, keep understanding... .

because losing sight of what you're dealing will just bring you back to square one.

i'm still fairly new here, and am also seeking support just as you are. more advice from others will be appreciated

[Mecaco]

for standbyguy and violeta - this is my story as well.  There is physical violence, there is abusive language and the 3:00am arguments where I just want to go to sleep.  She is convinced it is all me and I am the root of all of her evils. 

Even when she creates her own difficulties, it is ultimately because of me. 

I am learning to trust my instinct again and cling to what I know is right.  I am also learning to listen to her rants and remember that it is just that, a rant, and that the message is buried underneath.

I am also learning that I don't need to placate.  The storm will come regardless so I need to let it happen as I cannot stop it.

I don't know how long I can keep this up though.  That combined with my therapist telling me that exposing my children to this is a form of child abuse, I know that I need to be the adult and find the courage to finally stand up for what is right.

not a good place to be in.

[standbyguy]

Casey, I'm in a better place because I don't have children at home. I would have to say, if I did have kids at home, I know I would not try to work it out. It's not fair to the kids. They have to come first.

Thank you for the reply.

[taty1124]

Welcome!
I can honestly say I attempted to do the same thing for my undiagnosed BPDgf however I am literally pulling my hair out. I am tired of spending more time containing the yelling abusive beast than anything else. I legitimately walk on eggshells hoping not to crack the one that releases the beast. I wish you luck and please know that this community has been my lifesaver.

[LadybugABC]

Hi guys. I'm new here too and my story is similar to all of yours. For me it's my common law husband that has undiagnosed BPD. We have two kids and it breaks my heart to think I could be contributing to harming them now or in the future. It's just so hard and while separating may be advised, it's easier said than done, especially when the BPD person actually is an involved parent and caretaker.

Anyway I wanted to commiserate with you guys and say hello also ... .Hopefully we can be support for one another.

I'm personally at the point of realization that I can't change the person and trying to decide if I should stay or go. I'm just realizing I need to take care of myself (duh) after being wrapped up in Caretaking the BPD for years, so that's my primary focus.

Thanks for listening and sharing your story. I'm curious as to exact tactics you use when interacting with the BPD. Share if you can please.

[drained1996]

 

Hello to all in this thread!  I see there are some that may have been welcomed on another thread, but I thought I'd stick my nose in here as you are all fairly new with a common theme about your situations.  In case you haven't already noticed, to the right of this page you will find tools and lessons that will be very helpful in your own journey.  One thing many of us here have come to understand is that we cannot change our person with BPD, but we can change how we react to and communicate with them.  Combining an in depth knowledge of the illness and implementing some helpful communication skills can help improve your situation.  Keep reading, learning, and most of all sharing!  I learned the more I shared here, the more I got in return!