BPD partner wants an open relationship and calls me abusive

[sabriega]

I love my girlfriend very much. She was diagnosed with BPD and Antisocial Personality Disorder, and as bipolar in her teens. She had a very traumatic childhood and has been working with a therapist on her PTSD.

Our entire relationship's been extremely difficult. I feel like I can never do anything right or good enough. Like I'm always messing up, and like things keep changing. I feel crazy. I've never had someone tell me I'm bad at reading emotions or having empathy, when I've always been told that was my strong suit. She constantly tells me I'm abusive, despite me feeling like all I do is try and try to give and help her. Anytime I try to say otherwise or speak up, the conversation goes in circles until everything she says makes perfect sense and I end up agreeing, I am a monster and I do abuse her.

I'm now in therapy and my therapist doesn't think I'm abusive, that I've made mistakes as we all do in relationships but that I'm not at all systematic or purposeful in hurting her, don't try to control, and in fact seem to really care and do my best.

On the flip side, I've felt controlled and abused by my girlfriend. I try not to post anything that could be read as provocative on social media (even though I never thought I did before, she disagreed), and now don't feel like I can talk to my friends about my relationship (because she says I don't have the capability to speak about her lovingly or with care.) I feel isolated and alone.

Things were going great for a few months and once again I felt happier than I've ever been. Then she said she wanted an open relationship, both sexually and emotionally, so she could gain autonomy over her body and heal sexually. She says she doesn't feel safe in this way with me because of an outburst I once had during sex, this moment was the most shameful of my life and pushed me into therapy and CoDA. Two therapists have said I was clearly pushed to lash out verbally, but I still feel so much guilt and wish I could take that moment back.

I hate that one stupid outburst after two years of trying and trying and trying have led to this.

I don't think I can be anything but monogamous, but I don't know what to do. She says she won't let me stand in the way of her healing and that this is part of it. That in the meantime I should just not worry about it and she'll do what she has to do.

It's making me crazy. Especially since before this ask there was one friend I was suspicious about, I brought it up and she said nothing was happening. Then she left her cell in my room and a sext from him popped up on her screen. I told her and she texted him and assured me it was a mistake and meant for his girlfriend.

I believed her but now her asking this feels wrong. Shortly thereafter she suggested I unfriend this couple online as their relationship troubles were "toxic." They then broke up, and she's still friends with the guy. It nags at me every time I see him interact with her on Facebook. She won't confirm or deny anyone on her list of possibilities and says I need to work with my therapist to be okay with a temporary open relationship. And that it shouldn't matter because she still wants the rest of her life, and the future we planned with me. She truly doesn't seem to understand why the thought of her being with someone else eats me alive.

Everything hurts, and I don't' know what to do. I'm happiest when we're in a good place, but that feels like a fraction of our time together. She's been there for me as a friend before we were together and is so wonderful sometimes, otherwise I don't think I would've stayed this long. And I get the nagging feeling that her constantly saying I'm abusive might be projection and that I'm the one suffering abuse at her hands.

I'm sorry for so many rambling details, I'm just at a loss and in a lot of pain. Thanks for reading and, at the very least, giving me a place to put all of this.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[sad but wiser]

Dear Sabriega,
  No need to apologize for needing to lay it all out there.  We have all been there at points.  I hope you can find healing and some of the answers you so desperately need here.  I know I did.   
   BPD, and especially when narcissistic tendencies are thrown in, is known as "crazy making."  You end up looking and acting like you are crazy, but their behavior takes you there.
   Take a deep breath and repeat after me, "It's all about control."  That is it.  No real mystery.  Your girlfriend (or brother, mother, best friend, uncle... .whoever)  has an incredible need to control.  My ex kept his mother's ashes in a box in the end table instead of spreading them as she'd requested.  She finally couldn't leave him, you see.  But he had very rational sounding reasons, none of which were his fault.
    You probably feel a very deep connection to your girlfriend.  I would encourage you to read and post here a lot.  You will learn so much.

[Meili]

I would like to join sad but wiser in welcoming you to the boards. I'm sorry that you have found yourself in the position to need them though.

There are several of us on here who have had partners who want(ed) an open-relationship. Making that choice is extremely personal and depends completely on the core values of those involved.

It doesn't sound like your core values match hers on this subject. Perhaps this is a good time to define and maintain some boundaries. Boundaries are for our protection and are not used to control others. She's still free to make her choices, but if her choice crosses your boundary, then you'll make your choices.

[Mike82]

Your experience is a familiar one to me, almost exactly.  In early 2015, my wife began saying the same things about "open" marriage.  I thought she was joking or just trying to play to a fantasy.  I found out 4-months ago that she had an affair during that time, which I suspected at the time and was watching her phone but she hid her tracks/sexts. I didn't believe she could do it.

Suggestions: First, most likely she is cheating, if you have doubts/suspicion, you're probably correct.  Trust yourself, because the damage later of not doing so is traumatic. Second, if you want to be with her, set clear boundaries ASAP. Be confident in yourself, and don't take the blame/lashback.  I took it and trusted her response, and boy do I wish I hadn't. I feel like I betrayed myself. Lastly, get her to be honest, forcing my wife to be honest is how we discovered she has BPD. She hit her rock-bottom and is finally open to Therapy AND seeing all the things that contributed to her affair(s)... .yes, she had two emotional affairs before we got married.  I must be a fool... .but I do love her and we have a child so divorce is not just about me.

[sabriega]

I finally told her I wasn't able to do an open relationship and she berated me for days, telling me I was selfish, jumping to the worst conclusions about her, letting my anxiety take over. Finally, after hours and hours she convinced me to go for a break rather than a break up.

Something still didn't sit right and so I reached out to the ex-gf of the man I've been suspicious about for months. My partner claimed that the gf found out she was giving the man relationship advice and flipped over a crossing of that boundary, my BPD partner asked me to cut off ties with them because they were "toxic and she didn't want their toxicity affecting us." I complied but my partner remained in touch with the man.

The ex-gf confirmed, they've been sleeping together for months and months. Even before my BPD partner ever asked for an open relationship. The sext was real, she put on an act of disgust and an act consoling me, telling me to trust her. It's so hard to know what's been real. There have been so many loving moments since then, her telling me I was "the one." I'm in utter disbelief.

The other hard part is the fact that my BPD partner's been telling me for 2 years now that I was the one who was crazy and abusive, all our problems were because I was hurtful, selfish, manipulative, and emotionally immature. Despite moments she was screaming at me, and even shoved me then stood over to scream at me once, it was all me. During our last fight, she threatened me with a pair of scissors. Yet, even with all of that, she insisted (and I eventually believed) I was an abuser.

I took on the abuse because I kept telling myself it was the disorder and not her, and that if I could get through it and work on myself while she was in therapy, things would change and she'd see how much I loved her and wouldn't abandon her.

This infidelity and the months of lying show that, on top of the disorder, she's simply conniving, manipulative, and lacks any empathy. So I've walked away.

Thank you to those who gave me advice. I really did try, but I think it's healthier for me to go no contact and try to put the broken pieces of myself back together. It's hard since I can't think of anyone but her sexually, knowing she's already found someone else. I don't know when I'll ever be able to trust anyone else or even find anyone else attractive again, I know I probably will, but this has shattered everything I believe and it's a long road ahead from this rock bottom.

[once removed]

hi sabriega,

im really sorry to hear that things have taken this very painful turn. when my relationship ended, the things that i learned made the entire experience seem so surreal.

please know that we are here for you every step of the way. if you are committed to walking away, i encourage you to check out the Detaching board.

there are some painful wounds here that will take time and work to heal, and you dont have to do it alone.