stigma of staying with a BPD partner

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been married for 14 years to my uBPDh, and only heard of BPD as of about 4 years ago (boy did it explain a lot and make me feel a lot less crazy).

Here's something I've been turning around in my head lately, and I'd be interested to hear what other people here have to say about it. In general, I feel like there's still tremendous stigma surrounding mental health issues in most societies. My husband is very much in denial, not only not acknowledging BPD as a possibility (don't think he even knows what it is), but not acknowledging that there could be any mental illness factor behind his lifelong struggles with feeling there's no place for him in the world, that he's surrounded by people who dislike and betray him, etc. To even suggest mental illness as a possibility is (for him) to suggest that he is the problem and he needs to be fixed, and that's something tantamount to treachery for him. I realize that this is something of a circular problem because that very attitude is tied in to BPD, but I can't get over the notion that if mental health were less charged socially, and mental illness less stigmatized, that fear might be less.

I also think about the well-meaning people who have told me I should just leave my husband, and that staying with him is enabling abuse. And I think about the tremendous difference in attitude, generally speaking, toward a person who stays with a partner suffering a debilitating physical illness (or after a tragic accident) and a person who stays with a mentally ill partner. Why is it that people who choose to stay with mentally ill partners are often viewed as suffering low self-esteem or having co-dependence issues and people who stay with physically ill partners are usually viewed as heroic? In fact, leaving someone suffering from a physical illness may well open a person up to accusations of selfishness and cruelty, even though I think the incidence of unkind, challenging behavior from someone dealing with a debilitating physical illness or the aftereffects of a traumatic accident is probably also quite high. Somehow, though, it's noble to endure those difficulties and foolish to endure the difficulties of living with someone who is mentally ill.  ?

I'm not trying to stir the pot here - I am genuinely thinking about these issues and why this demarcation exists. I suppose part of it is the fact that many mentally ill spouses/partners are not participating in treating themselves and not acknowledging the reality of their illness, which is far less likely to happen in the case of a physical illness or accident (though I'm guessing there may still be denial of and unwillingness to address the emotional issues involved). But unwillingness to acknowledge or treat mental illness, I think, is part due to stigma and part due to the very nature of the illness itself.

Has anyone found a way to discuss their decisions to stay with a BPD partner with their family or close friends without eliciting the response that you're choosing to tolerate abuse? My immediate family, in-laws, and a few very close friends know the full story of my life with my husband. Most people around us have no idea (husband is very high-functioning and seems capable of saving the worst of his emotional dysregulation for me and his parents). My parents and sister and best friends all truly love my husband but became so worried about our relationship when we came to a near-breaking point several years ago - during the course of which I found out what BPD was - that now I just don't talk about it with them. I just say he's "much better" and share nothing very personal, because if they knew that this still goes on (it actually is much better, but it's an ongoing reality) they would urge me to leave, I know, and may even try to intervene. How do other people deal with including (or not including) the people closest to you in your life? Do they know about the partner's BPD? Do they respect your decision to stay? Is there any way to explain this that makes sense to people who don't experience it?

[KatieLou]

I've been married for 14 years to my uBPDh, and only heard of BPD as of about 4 years ago (boy did it explain a lot and make me feel a lot less crazy).

Here's something I've been turning around in my head lately, and I'd be interested to hear what other people here have to say about it. In general, I feel like there's still tremendous stigma surrounding mental health issues in most societies. My husband is very much in denial, not only not acknowledging BPD as a possibility (don't think he even knows what it is), but not acknowledging that there could be any mental illness factor behind his lifelong struggles with feeling there's no place for him in the world, that he's surrounded by people who dislike and betray him, etc. To even suggest mental illness as a possibility is (for him) to suggest that he is the problem and he needs to be fixed, and that's something tantamount to treachery for him. I realize that this is something of a circular problem because that very attitude is tied in to BPD, but I can't get over the notion that if mental health were less charged socially, and mental illness less stigmatized, that fear might be less.

I also think about the well-meaning people who have told me I should just leave my husband, and that staying with him is enabling abuse. And I think about the tremendous difference in attitude, generally speaking, toward a person who stays with a partner suffering a debilitating physical illness (or after a tragic accident) and a person who stays with a mentally ill partner. Why is it that people who choose to stay with mentally ill partners are often viewed as suffering low self-esteem or having co-dependence issues and people who stay with physically ill partners are usually viewed as heroic? In fact, leaving someone suffering from a physical illness may well open a person up to accusations of selfishness and cruelty, even though I think the incidence of unkind, challenging behavior from someone dealing with a debilitating physical illness or the aftereffects of a traumatic accident is probably also quite high. Somehow, though, it's noble to endure those difficulties and foolish to endure the difficulties of living with someone who is mentally ill.  ?

I'm not trying to stir the pot here - I am genuinely thinking about these issues and why this demarcation exists. I suppose part of it is the fact that many mentally ill spouses/partners are not participating in treating themselves and not acknowledging the reality of their illness, which is far less likely to happen in the case of a physical illness or accident (though I'm guessing there may still be denial of and unwillingness to address the emotional issues involved). But unwillingness to acknowledge or treat mental illness, I think, is part due to stigma and part due to the very nature of the illness itself.

Has anyone found a way to discuss their decisions to stay with a BPD partner with their family or close friends without eliciting the response that you're choosing to tolerate abuse? My immediate family, in-laws, and a few very close friends know the full story of my life with my husband. Most people around us have no idea (husband is very high-functioning and seems capable of saving the worst of his emotional dysregulation for me and his parents). My parents and sister and best friends all truly love my husband but became so worried about our relationship when we came to a near-breaking point several years ago - during the course of which I found out what BPD was - that now I just don't talk about it with them. I just say he's "much better" and share nothing very personal, because if they knew that this still goes on (it actually is much better, but it's an ongoing reality) they would urge me to leave, I know, and may even try to intervene. How do other people deal with including (or not including) the people closest to you in your life? Do they know about the partner's BPD? Do they respect your decision to stay? Is there any way to explain this that makes sense to people who don't experience it?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

hi KatieLou,

What do you say to your loved ones and friends about your BPD relationship? How do they respond?

What are the abusive behaviors they are most concerned about?

It could be that they lack the kinds of skills necessary for being in a BPD relationship, which might limit their imagination to what is possible. It could also be that they don't see evidence of ways in which you take care of yourself when there is abuse, and that makes them concerned.

I have a BPD loved one who is very challenging for me. I choose to vent and say certain things only to my therapist, and here, so that my friends are not burdened to help me with a type of mental illness way over their head.

Within my inner circle, I make it clear what I want from them, and know that it is normal for them to care about me -- it is ok to provide them reassurance about what I do to take care of myself. If I don't want them to try and rescue me, I make it clear, and then tell them what I'm doing to alleviate their concerns.

[KatieLou]

Thanks for your input! That's really where I am as well (sharing with professionals and/or in a community like this only). What happened, though, was that we hit a crisis point in our marriage about 4 years ago and during that time I initially had no idea what was happening or why. I didn't know what BPD was. Before I could get my bearings and work on getting to a healthier place myself I did share with people very close to me some of the confusing and troubling things going on (the intense blame my husband was leveling at me for things I either hadn't done at all - especially intentions he assumed I had that were not at all accurate - or things I hadn't realized had troubled him and had never thought of as a problem). They pretty uniformly saw this as emotional abuse. Which it is. There was a lot of panicking and a lot of triangulation. On my part as well as everyone else's. But since that time I have not only read a ton about BPD but I have also worked and continue to work very hard on building myself up and understanding my role in what happens in our household. Things are far, far better even though my husband continues untreated. We've gone from having BPD-fueled incidents on a daily or near-daily basis to actually about a year between major incidents (by which I mean I get the full brunt of anger and accusation and "you've betrayed me" stuff) and minor things (what feels like a relatively small or insignificant mistake on my part being made into something much bigger by my husband) maybe once a month or so.

I guess I am kind of wishing for a pie-in-the-sky scenario where there would be greater understanding of what BPD is and what it means to live with it and the fact that (at least in my opinion) a partner can fortify him or herself to live through the challenges without being a victim. I understand that people's worries about emotional abuse are real, should be taken seriously, and come from a place of genuine concern, but it still seems to me that there is a culturally pervasive zero tolerance attitude when it comes to staying with someone who may be prone to abusive behavior that does not take into consideration that the full picture is much more complicated.

[malibu4x]

KatieLou - welcome to the board.  

I can relate to so much of what you have said. The stigma is real.

Even my FIL whose ex-wife (MIL) was diagnosed with BPD, has a hard time even saying the words BPD, and giving the label too much attention.  He is a very rational, successful, even-keeled guy.  Medical surgeon.

That said - I have discussed things with some friends and family with varying degrees of success.

To LnL's point, without them doing some serious research, it is going to be over their capacity to understand, let alone give sound advice.
 
But, the high level point that I have made is that it is a serious condition - it is not her fault, just as someone needing to wear glasses is not their fault... .
I have told them that part of the condition (as I see them in my wife) are:
- strong feelings of worthlessness
- extreme sensitivity to word choices (quick to take offense when none was intended)
- mood swings

 but that there are scientifically backed studies showing that by me taking different approaches in my communication styles with her, that I can make big a difference.

I've made it clear to them that I want to "save" my family, and stay together with her and my kids and have let them know that I am working with professional help.    

But it is hard - they ask questions like "what about her? she is the one that needs therapy!"  
I say, yes, but you can't force anyone.  I'm hopeful that me showing her that I'm taking care of myself, and learning better communication styles, that it will inspire her to also look at the things she needs to improve.


All that said - I really like what LnL posted.  Very good post.  (I wish we could "Like" posts - like on FB).

Hang in there - it looks like you are doing well.

[Jessica84]

I totally agree - if our partner lost a limb and became unbearably grouchy as he suffered, would these same people be telling us "You should leave him. Go find someone who has both his legs... " ? Or would they have more compassion, ask us to be patient, even laud us for standing by him?

There is definitely a lack of understanding of this disorder from those looking in from the outside. Heck, most of us didn't even see it for a long time! Their injuries are unseen, but real. They are suffering. And people in pain will often lash out.

I limit my discussions about him to those who 'get it'. I've explained BPD to my mom and a close friend.  They see the good in him and why I stay, despite his illness and sometimes off, weird, rude behavior. I think they are so fascinated by the psychology of it all! So they don't mind when I have an issue or need to vent. In fact, they're pretty good at following the BPD logic and help me come up with good solutions... .rather than give me the old trite "leave him". I'm grateful because defending him or the reasons why I stay would be too exhausting!

[momwhoneedshelp]

I agreed, there does seem to be a stigma. The only family I have is a few cousins, but they are not supportive of helping me deal with my BPD husband.  They don't understand why I tolerate it and only say things like "he shouldn't do that" or "he needs to do this". They just don't get it. Meanwhile, any physical illness that happens with someone else in the family is supported. It happens at work too. Someone breaks their ankle and we send a fruit basket. Someone has to take a leave of absence to care for a spouse with mental illness and they are judged differently.