What group, ex-partner of BPD, recovery taking way too long

[Bo123]

Didn't know she had BPD until after the relationship ended.  While there has been no contact for almost a year, it was a 1.5 year break-up which I never saw her, she would just call at 2 am to talk or email, then when I replied I got yelled at for trying to control her.  Funny thing is, after she said she couldn't marry me(cross-cultural relationship) all I asked for was 1 hour once a week for a month to digest the engagement.  The answer was no, yet she contacted me and over a year later emailed me a full page of all the special things I did for her on Valentines day, I replied yeah I did.  Last I heard of her except through friends who says she has a new bf.  Sorry long post, wanted to give enough details that its over, no contact but I'm still feeling the pain like no other relationship and feel betrayed that I was there for her, she not for me.  What group do I belong in?
Thanks

[Mutt]

Hi envision,  



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily, I moved your post to the detaching board, I suggest that you share on the detaching board, have a post mortum of the r/s. I'm sorry to hear that, a break-up with a pwBPD is a very painful experience.

Don't worry about the length of your post, many of us have a lot to get off our chests, it's difficult to convey to people that have not been in a r/s with a pwBPD.  I'm glad that you decided to join us, it helps to talk to people that can relate with you and offer you guidance and support, I didn't find out about BPD 7.5 years after the r/s started and a couple of months after she left then I found this forum.

What types of behaviors did you witness? How did you find out about BPD? Is she diagnosed?


PS the lessons are on the right side of the board  

[Bo123]

I knew she had a black/white approach to things, she nicknamed herself "Moody___" and said she sometimes acted like a child.  She was from a different culture, educated, smart, funny, eventually got he PhD, 9 months into the relationship I sat down with her best friends and explained it all.  Her culture is a shame based one so direct conversation probably never happened but many hints and reminders.  It didn't help that her previous best friend didn't like me even before she met, everyone else did like me.  That friend spent our whole relationship causing problems for us that would otherwise never be there, my gf simply said "It's not my responsibility what my friends do to you".  It was only 1 friend who I never had been anything but nice to.  Got to the point that I said if you don't deal with her the next time she intentionally causes problems, we're over and will be lucky to stay friends.  1.5 years into it that friend refused on christmas eve to be in a picture with me, my gf did nothing, I ended the relationship and had no contact for 5 months and they eventually convinced me that this was a big learning experience for her and they would all like to see us together again. A year later engaged, I was away for work, drove 23 hours straight through a snowstorm to be with her and as I brought stuff out of the car she said she had to find a place to put it so I said I'm going to get the rest of my stuff, I did, finally got it all in and reached out to give her a big hug and she said "Your luggage means more to you than me".  Her culture calls for hug 1st, however, many times she visited me, she said just start hauling things in and I did and we hugged when done.  Double standard.  Traveled 12,000 miles to ask her parents for their daughters hand in marriage, not Catholic, no go, they knew all along, parents were rude, unfriendly, after a 40 hour trip there I got the choice to nap or talk, I said I wanted to sleep later so then they said we talk, I explained how crossing 15 time zones I was very drowsy, they gave me no choice.  The only words her dad grunted at me was what was I doing there while her mom drilled me on what Saints I prayed to.  My gf did tell her parents to stop behaving that way.  Her dad never said another word.  My gf said all I need to know is that we wont sleep in same bed, thats fair. 30 minutes after I went to bed my gf comes in and says her mom said she could spend the night with me(this was a very strict Catholic parents?) and I said, I think we can make some points by her telling her parents out of respect I didn't want to do that in her their house, this so upset my gf that she left and went to sleep in her parents room even after I called for her to come down and talk please.  I'm a vegetarian and they were going to kill a cow for our party, I asked if it would be acceptable if I paid for the party to be catered with shrimp, lobster and all kinds of stuff, was told that her mom said its ok.  The day I leave to fly there, she tells me that she told her parents it was ok to kill the cow, we had been making jokes for 3 days about it and she lied to me everyday.  Anyway, no party, no asking for hand in marriage and her family left town saying I had to leave.  Upon return I've told the story of 1.5 years of her controlling communications after she said she wouldn't contact me anymore.  As I look at it through counseling, BPD is what I'm told.  Her friends said if her parents ever die she would show up at my doorstep the next day.  Her mom did die over a year later and she did call me and I noticed all calls were exactly 1 hour, I asked if she was interested in friends or was these sympathy calls and she said sympathy.  I love deeply and I hurt deeply when its over, I'm not in love with her anymore, don't miss her just refusing to answer questions, even in pre-marital counseling she just said nothing to some questions, I don't miss her extreme moods, don't miss her hateful friend and her not standing up for me.  What I do miss is the feeling that at some level we were DNA equivalents as we both dreamed of retiring in her country and giving every penny and free moment of time to charities and making the world a better place.  Never met a girl like that before.  Guess she doesn't miss the same thing.  Still hurting with no sight in end.